I do love getting parcels. Especially when the parcel is from Vibrator.com, and I know that I’ve got a new um, project. Yes, road testing vibrators is a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it, don’t they?
The only glitch was that the postman arrived while I was taking a shower. Fortunately the house-guest who was staying answered the door and took the parcel for me. (Not a visitor I’m intimately acquainted with, mind you.)

‘Ooh, you’ve got a parcel, look,’
‘Ah yes. Great. That…flashlight I’ve been waiting for.’
‘Aren’t you going to open it?’
‘Uh, no, I need to – oh my god, look, did you see that?’
‘See what?’
‘That um, parrot flying past the window, look, it went that way.’
(Cue hurried exit with ‘flashlight’ under arm.)

I wonder at the stories women come up with to explain mystery packages, strange buzzing noises and inexplicable lumps in their underwear drawer. It’s a sisterhood secret – all the ways we disguise our sex toys. In the dim and distant past women bought ‘rubbing machines’ to ease their aching muscles. These days we can be more upfront about our sexual needs, but still, a girl likes to have a few secrets. Perhaps sex toys should come with little costumes and fake mustaches.
Actually, perhaps not.

Right, I’m off to play hide-and-seek with my new ‘flashlight’. No peeking!

Nikki Magennis