The other night I was watching an episode of South Park, the particular episode was titled “D-Yikes”. If you are not familiar with the episode, it is the one where Mr. Garrison decides to label himself as a lesbian after a hot night of “scissor-sex” with a lesbian.

I have to say that episode was HILARIOUS, and yes it might have been stereotypical but Rosie O’Donnell I am not. I can take jokes with a grain of salt.

Now if you are not aware of what “scissoring” is, the textbook definition is female to female genital sex. Also referred to as, frottage or tribadism, some colloquialisms “bumping fur”, “prawn wrestling” (This one is hysterical!), “clit-clating”, etc. There are so many more I could go on for hours, I will spare you everyone. Just this once! =)

The term “scissoring” is much more of a colloquialism that it is a formal name. The formal name “tribadism” was originally conceived as lesbian penetration either with an enlarged clitoris or a strap-on dildo.

Though the term “Tribadism” refers to a specific sex act between women today. It was also commonly used to describe female-female sexual love in general in the past, and women who had sex with woman were referred to as “Tribads” or “Tribades”.

As author Rictor Norton explains:

“The tribas, lesbian, from Greek tribein, to rub (i.e. rubbing the pudenda together, or clitoris upon the pubic bone, etc.), appears in Greek and Latin satires from the late first century. The tribade was the most common (vulgar) lesbian in European texts for many centuries.”

Fricatrice, a synonym for tribade that also refers to rubbing but has Latin rather than a Greek root, appeared in English as early as 1605 (in Ben Johnson’s Volpone).

Tribadism is also used in pop culture today, as the glam pop band, Scissor Sisters, derive their name from the scissoring position. As well as other bands such as, Scissorfight and the lesbian punk band Tribe 8.

Here’s the thing: in March I wrote about my love of porn and my discovery of an awesome free porn site, porncasting.tv.

“Aside from my DVD collection I also appreciate the plethora of amateur porn available on the internet. I used to be a big fan of pornotube but it just loads too slowly and when you’re horny that’s like a guy going soft on you right before penetration. So the other day I found Porncasting. I clicked on a video, it loaded quickly and playback was smooth…”

That post got a lot of attention probably because there are many like-minded people who appreciate fast, easy and free porn that doesn’t stop in the middle of playback to buffer like pornotube.

So last night, as what has become my usual routine, I climbed into bed accompanied by my trusty laptop. As I logged on I could feel the anticipation building, oh yeah, my favorite time of the day - PORNTIME - yay! Porncasting.tv, here I come (notice clever double entendre), but I immediately noticed something was wrong. The page was taking forever to load and once it did the logo at the top said “YOUPORN”. I assume that YouPorn bought out Porncasting? I tried to find a good video to watch but gave up as it took well over 7 minutes to load. So they didn’t bother to keep the high quality playback that Porncasting had and instead made it all Web 2.0 with rounded corners, drop shadows and gradients. I don’t know about you but when I wanna watch porn I don’t care if the site is pretty and rounded.

Okay, so now I’m confused. There’s PornoTube, YouPorn, XTube, RIP-Porncasting and just the other day I was reading on Techcrunch about yet another one ScrewTube. Maybe ScrewTube (love the name) will be smart and focus on have the highest quality playback instead of just waiting around to be bought out like the rest of the Web 2.0 world. Let’s not forget it’s all about the end-user (and the end-user’s orgasm.)

So today you’ve found yourself a nice warm vagina that you are just dying to try out. Unfortunately, vagina’s do not come with instructions, proper lighting or air fresheners. Well I do believe that this little blog post will help you out in your beginning days of taming the vagina. Sit back and let the Dildo Dude talk shop…Now the most important thing to remember is that the vagina was specially designed to make your penis feel good.

Important Parts
The Clitoris (rhymes with Deloris, and Lavoris)- also known as the man in the boat, the clit, the love button, the budgie’s tongue and the magic button that will open her thighs. This is where you’ll be expected to spend a significant part of the night, so bring ideas for killing time. One way is to try and guess the different smells. One might be her laundry detergent, another last night’s dinner. Some women like humming at this point - and I hum “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” and refer to it as the seventh inning stretch. I understand some women will actually orgasm upon clitoral contact…is this REALLY true ladies?
Different Types of Vaginas
There are probably different types of vaginas but quite frankly who cares? Nobody has ever thrown a babe out of bed because her vagina wasn’t cute. Once you’ve determined that there is, in fact, a vagina present, get the party started. There are however different ways of decorating the vagina. I found these helpful diagrams at the National Institute of Health.

A Hairless Peach aka A Wood Floor Go back and check her I.D. Its OK? You the man!	Hitler’s Moustache Did you pick her up at a strip joint? No? She may be a professional. Be prepared to pay dearly or risk getting beat up by her pimp.

Nicely Trimmed Triangle A nice girl. She cares enough to keep it neat but she’s not working her way through college by wiggling it in old guy’s faces.	The Oscar Gamble You either love it or you hate it. I was raised on them so I just keep a box of dental floss next to the rubbers and dive in head first!

Landing Strip See Hitler’s Moustache

Do you find all this talk about vaginas too complicated? I kind of figured you would so take a gander at the picture below it will help avoid all of this vagina nonsense. The hand. The most important thing to remember is that the hand was specially designed to make your penis feel good.

“Amora Sex Theme Park opens in London”

One of the most highly-anticipated attractions of the year has opened this week in London. The Amora Sex Theme Park promises to get heartbeats racing in the heart of London. With interactive exhibitions, practical advice, social areas, Amora is designed to be an informative sex academy. It is aiming to provide practical advice on all things sexual in a fun, lively, and open environment. Visitors can expect to learn all about it, from flirting and foreplay to climax and cunnilingus, in a fully interactive theme park.

_{[via 24Dash]}

“Americans Falling Behind in the Bedroom”

Americans are having a lot less sex than just about everyone else in the world, and when they do, less than half are fully satisfied.
On average, Americans have sex just 85 times a year (about once every 4.3 days) — well below the global average of 103 times (about once every 3.5 days), with only the Japanese (48 times), people in Hong Kong (82 times) and Nigerians (84 times) having less sex. Moreover, less than half of Americans (48%) are fully satisfied with their sex lives.

_{[via Earth Times]}
“More Americans keep it green when they get it on”

In addition to reducing their contributions to pollution and purchasing organic food, many environmentally-conscious individuals are applying their passion for the earth to their passion for each other. The environmental movement has moved into the bedroom, and more and more couples are looking to green up their sex lives.

_{[via Tufts Daily]}
“My ex stole my sex toy, Slope woman tells cops”

A few hours later, a former boyfriend allegedly used his key to enter his 27-year-old former girlfriend’s Union Street apartment to steal a ring, a pair of earrings and what police euphemistically referred to as “a sex toy.”

_{[via The Brooklyn Paper]}

Recently we donated a big bag of beautiful dildos all for the sake of art. We signed on as sponsors of the “Sex Worker Visions II & One Sex Work Nation Under Dildo“ event hosted by $pread Magazine which will be opening May 1st at Arena Studios. The ladies got their hands on the dildos this past Sunday and went to town with them.

$pread is a quarterly, glossy magazine by and for sex workers and those who support their rights. The magazine has a focus on personal experiences and political insights, and contains practical information like news, features, health columns, and resources related to the sex industry. $pread builds community in the sex trade by featuring the honest and diverse perspectives of those who know it best: the women and men who work within this sensationalized, highly stereotyped industry.

Here is some of their fine work:

More about the event:

Sex Workers Visions II, curated by Audacia Ray and co-sponsored $pread Magazine, Arena Studios, and the SoHo Arts Council
Opening May 1, 2007 from 6 to 9 pm
Runs through July 28, 2007
Arena Studios, 407 Broome Street, Suite 7A
In $pread magazine’s second annual art show, sex workers with an artistic bent step up and tell their stories visually. The show includes art by Zak Smith, Genevive Zacconi, and Vena Virago, in addition to illustrations and photographs that have appeared in $pread magazine, as well as a special opening night exhibition of hand-decorated dildos by sex workers.

So here goes …….

Hey guys, I should start by saying that my name is Tatiana. Having just started with the company at the end of March, I’d like to say that I have caught up fast and truly enjoy my job. Not sure of what my co-workers write on their “blogs” or “profiles”, but I’d like to state – for the record - that I am a 25 year old butch lesbian. It’s something I am very proud of, and I am extremely lucky to have a job in which my performance is judged not by my sexual orientation but by my ability to do the job and my candor.

Even after a week of racking my brain with ideas, I still have no idea what to write about. I’ve concluded that I should just write about my experiences as a butch lesbian in NYC.

Now you would think that living in NYC and being a lesbian would not be that big of a deal. My experience has shown me that just the opposite is the case. I can see how much my appearance affects people from suits to everyday hipsters. It’s actually pretty unreal to see how much things have NOT changed in this society. I am very articulate, detail oriented, professional and personable. However, when seeking a corporate job I am expected to dress in high heels and mini skirt? I was unaware that wearing high heels and a mini skirt was the best way to get the job done. I guess it depends on what the “job” is, doesn’t it? Are they looking for a cute corporate accessory, or being an effective employee. In my experience, even in New York, it’s often the former.

Now don’t get me wrong I respect corporate America. I just think there needs to be a change. Take for example, Google - a multimillion dollar company who lets their employees bring their dogs to work and play pool during lunch. I’m not saying that corporate “big-wigs” should break out a game of darts during their weekly staff meetings. What I am saying is that maybe focusing on the employees efforts’ and work ethic as opposed to how much money they can make for you would make things not only run smoother but their “employees” work so much harder – resulting eventually in the desired profit.

To continue…I am rather sick of both men and woman looking me as if I am threat. To the woman, “No I do not want to have sex with you” and to the men, don’t get it twisted -this is not a Freudian slip of any sorts, “I do not have penis envy”. Why should it matter, who I sleep with or hold hands with? Why is so much cooler for two women to be sloppily drunk and kissing each other than it is to see two men walking down the street holding hands walking with their child/ren? If people in the gay community wish to get married – hell, why not? Can’t we be given the chance to be as miserable as straight people are in their marriages?

For the religious skeptics … Well first of all if you are even reading this or hell for that matter on this site, are you really even religious as you claim to be? More or less I don’t care about the religious skeptics; religion is just a type of media - blocking our view of reality.

With love and pride

Tatiana aka Clitalicious

Recently I had the privilege to sit down with author and sexual deviant extraordinaire, Suzanne Portnoy.

Allow me to expound for a moment on my terminology. According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, deviant behavior is described as “a person or behaviour that is not usual and is generally considered to be unacceptable.” This of course begs the question: What is usual or acceptable? One could say that deviant behavior violates the social contract which, according to Rousseau, is only legitimate to the extent that it meets the general interest. But let’s say the general interest is both spoken and unspoken. My point is simple, public and private behavior should have equal consideration for general interest. Enough people engage in, ponder, seek out, or simply desire sexually adventurous behavior to say that it, in fact, deviates from nothing. So to call Ms. Portnoy a deviant is simply a term of endearment, a tongue-in-cheek wink-wink kind of way to show my acceptance. There is a ‘deviant’ in each and every one of us.

Suzanne was visiting from London to promote her book, The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker, a book that follows Suzanne’s sexual escapades prior to marriage and following her divorce. Admittedly, I read the book while riding the subway on my morning commutes to work. There were moments I had to put the book down due to excessive redness in my cheeks and sweating on the nape of my neck. For those of you wondering, that is a positive reaction.

We met up at Corner Bistro in the West Village and ordered ourselves each a glass of wine, her a Pinot Grigio and for myself a Chardonnay. It was a fast paced conversation that I wished I had a recorder for instead of my trusty pen and notepad. Her open and fearless manner might have struck some as shocking but I found it refreshing. It seems almost customary that in order to start a frank conversation about sex one party must feign shyness or embarrassment (”Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that!” Which inevitably leads to something along the lines of, “I’ve tried that too!” Because the ’shy’ party, though no more innocent than the initiator, needs to know they won’t be judged or rejected in order to open up.) But speaking with Suzanne was not like this. Nor is her book.

Suzanne’s professional job is Publicist. She has kept a blog, in one form or another, since 2002. Now her blog is used not just to market her book but she also finds it an excellent place to write freely and flesh out stories. In fact, Suzanne points to the web as the nexus in her own self-discovery as well as an ideal venue for women who may feel sexually sheltered to explore possibilities. Her path started on some traditional dating sites to see what the world had to offer. She encourages the curious among us to approach online dating with a sense of fun, just as she has. Now that she has a better handle on her desires and needs she finds the swingers’ dating sites suit her best. One cannot say the she is not resourceful nor inefficient about fulfilling her desires, even before arriving in NYC she had dates set up via Craigslist and after appearing on Howard Stern she had many more, even a Sky Cap at JFK emailed her with his exact location in case she might have some time to kill before her flight back to London.

To say Suzanne is clever about satisfying her sexual appetite is an understatement. She is downright devious (wink wink) about finding the ways and means. When I asked her about having children and her feelings on how women tend to remain sexually dormant because of their kids she said that these women needed to stop thinking about sex during normal hours and places. She explained that there are so many pockets of time in a normal day that simply go to waste when one could in fact be bent over in perhaps a bathroom stall or a coat closet. This certainly has changed the way I look at my Outlook Daily Planner and the large bathroom at the Starbucks on 6th Ave.

Suzanne is an amazing person, bending and quite possibly contorting the sexual confines of her own life. She has an intensity about her that is infectious and like a firefly, enchanting. Reading her book is strongly recommended and may even allow you to expand your own personal sexual confines, at least redefine them.

Catchy title eh? In case you didn’t know, I am a bit crazy, no really, it’s true…but what strikes me as even MORE crazy is the English DICKtionary.  For example, I went dictionary diving today to define what the difference is between a DILDO and a DONG. You would think they are the same, however according to my extensive dildo & dong research conducted today I discovered the complicating truth about these sex toys.

Let’s get started shall we? A Dong has several meanings from several origins, let’s first state the obvious.

A Dong is a sex toy, that does not carry the “BALLS”, Testicals, Gonads… you get the picture.

A Dong is the basic monetary unit of Vietnam, equal to 100 hao: replaced the southern piaster and the northern dong in 1978. It’s they’re money…

A Dong is a deep sound like that of a large bell.

A Dildo does carry the BALLS…but doesn’t always… (i know a bit contradicting and confusing)

A Dildo is an artificial erect penis, used as a sexual aid.

A Dildo Is a Boyfriend Replacer…sad but true…

A Dildo Is ME….The Dildo Dude.ha.

It seems that many of my friends these days are single females that play the dating game.

Let me rephrase that, I mean get played by the dating game.

This girl was confiding in me that she really likes this guy and was thinking about maybe going to another base with him. I felt like that base, just put me into a time warp. I had thoughts of my younger years going to Rocky Horror at The Mini Cinema.

WOW!!

I hadn’t heard the expression of getting to second base since I was in High School. See back then I was getting high and listening to Meatloaf. Paradise by the Dashboard Light a baseball sexclassic! I really thought that the expression of getting to first or second base started then. I also thought that’s when it became popular

I thought it became unpopular then too.

So I did a little bit of research on this matter. As it turns out Baseball and Sex really do have common synergies. As far as I can tell this metaphor goes back to the 50’s. Now that’s a few years before my high school days. It seems that even in the Woody Allen movie “Play It Again Sam” Diane Keaton asks Woody Allen what he was thinking when made love to her… His response “Willie Mays” .

Baseball!!!

Well looks like Baseball and Sex will always go together as proven again by one of the most classic scenes in movie that I can ever remember. It was described in American Pie in that getting to 3rd base felt like the center of a Hot Apple Pie. If you haven’t seen American Pie run, don’t walk and go rent it! That scene is hilarious and should not be missed by anybody walking this planet.

All told sex and baseball will be together forever.

So you see guys, baseball isn’t just a sport but it is a stepping stone to matters that we care about as much as the game itself. You see if we play this game right we’ll find ourselves making a grand slam play with an encore sexabition.