Five Tips to Find Your Perfect Mate

Personal ads have been around approximately since the first newspapers were published. One can imagine the ads that may have run in Ben Franklin’s Pennsylvania Gazette: SPM (Single Protestant Male) seeks SPF with generous dowry to share in barn raisings and candlelight dinners…

Today, of course, competition in the dating realm is fierce and, to land the lover of your dreams, you have to make your ad stand out. Of course, with millions of potential mates posting on sites such sites as Craigslist, Match.com, PlentyOfFish, e-Harmony and others, it’s mostly a numbers game and the odds are in favor of those who play.

The click of your mouse will put you in touch with men and women seeking a one-night hook-up, long-term relationship, or even a swinging arrangement. Follow these tips, courtesy of Vibrator.com, to make the most of your post.

–Be yourself—but better!

Dwayne Manley, one half of a swinger couple who has used personals to find playmates, says, “We just try to come across as fun, interesting and intelligent—just being ourselves. I think about the type of couple I’d like to hook up with, and present myself and my partner as those types of people.”

–Be clear about what you want.

Looking for a one-night stand? Potential life partner? Someone to tie you up, cover you in chocolate sauce and slowly lick it off? Whatever you want, the limitless boundaries of the Web will help you find it, so don’t hold back. The only way you can go wrong is by lying about your true desires or misleading a potential mate into thinking you’re in the market for more—or less—than you revealed in your ad.

–Share a pic.

Statistics say ads with a photo get an 80 percent better response, so brush your hair and pick out your favorite clothes to show off your attributes in the most attractive light. Did you know you can “slim down” for the camera by standing at a slight angle—don’t face the camera directly–and bending one leg ever-so-slightly? Experiment with different angles, poses and lighting to achieve the most flattering pic. And don’t forget to smile!

–Proofread

This is a pet peeve of mine. I’m inclined to skip over any ad with poor spelling or blatantly incorrect grammar. You don’t have to create 21st century Shakespeare, but use spellcheck to avoid obvious mistakes. Also try to avoid clichés such as long walks on the beach, or any line that reminds you of the words to The Pina Colada Song! Be original and let your personality (you, but better!) shine through in your prose. If writing isn’t your strong suit, you may want to ask a friend with a way with words to read it over for you or help you compose the ad.

–Be honest.

If you follow the previous tips, you’ll find they all promote honesty, but it bears repeating. Obviously, if you plan to meet people through your ad, you won’t do anything as dumb as posting a fake picture, but beware of more subtle dishonesty, too. For instance, don’t commit lies of omission.

A friend of mine answered a personal ad years ago looking for a long-term relationship and thought she found a potential partner—until she discovered he had a young daughter he “forgot” to mention. Since my friend had filled out “no kids” on her profile, this lie was a deal breaker for her. But even if she’d been willing to compromise on the kids, the fact that he lied was enough for her to say goodbye.

Sarah Palin Porn Parody Gets Political

As Hollywood execs ponder a television career for Sarah Palin after she leaves politics, Hustler founder Larry Flynt is one step ahead of them—sort of.

Capitalizing on Palin’s “love her or hate her” popularity of the minute, Hustler has produced a DVD porn parody starring Triple X starlet Lisa Ann as the VP candidate. The movie explores Palin’s platform on foreign affairs—that is, she hooks up with two Russian dudes. Babble.com posted a sneak preview of the flick.

Buzz began about the video when a “major adult studio” in Los Angeles placed an ad on Craigslist seeking one lucky MILF to star as Palin in a XXX film. The ad specified “no anal required,” just in case you were wondering, although later reports mentioned the Russians coming in the back door.

The ad prompted the clever folks at Videogum to ask their readers to “Name the Upcoming Sarah Palin Porno”, because every good porno (and even the bad ones, I guess) needs a cool, catchy, and pun-ny title. Bloggers and readers everywhere piped in with their top picks. Everything using some version of Im-palin has been taken, so don’t even bother. Some of the more creative suggestions?

“Raising McCain”;

The subtitle makes this one: “Impalin’ Palin 2: Journey Into The Alaskan Pipeline”;

For an international flavor with a hot Asian co-star: “Erection Day 2008”;

Two of my personal favorites: “2^nd in Charge Likes ‘Em LARGE,” and “Specs Appeal: Oral Office Edition”;

And yes, several people came up with a variation on the eventual winner, “Nailin’ Palin.”

While you’re waiting anxiously for the actual vid, TMZ posted a copy of the entire script of  “Who’s Nailin Paylin: Adventures of a Hockey MILF”. Sex expert Nina Hartley reportedly will star as Hillary Clinton and engage in a three-way with Lisa Ann and a Condoleeza Rice look-alike.

Is anyone else just really excited for November 4 to be here and gone?

Everyone Pays for Sex: What Nerve!

Everyone’s favorite online personals site, New York based Nerve wrote a piece on their blog lately entitled Everyone Pays for Sex. Kate Carraway (I searched for her profile on Nerve and I couldn’t find it) followed the spending habits of 9 people for four weeks where their dollars related to sexual pursuit and, ultimately, gratification. One could argue that every dollar spent will eventually lead to getting laid, because, really, isn’t that why we’re here? But Carraway asks us to put on the blinders for this 5 page article and become the sort of voyeuristic web user who frequent Nerve personals. We’re posed with the following questions:

Is being single really more expensive than being in a relationship? Are people who make $20,000 spending as much as those who make over a hundred grand?

As far as I understood from this article, only two participants were in actual relationships. One of the subjects was actually a couple who pooled incomes (skewed data?), while the other was a mom of two who has been married for the last decade. Will mom spend less on finding sex than a 29 year old straight single TV editor? Well, gee, I don’t know! I’m no scientist (despite what I may have claimed in previous posts), but shouldn’t we be presented with a formal hypothesis, have a control group, and then be handed a conclusion wrapped in a neat little bow?

Read the article, if you’re really really bored. If you’ve got shit to do then you’re likely to be as pissed off as I was by this anti-climactic waste of everybody’s time.

(Sorry Kate Carraway. You’ve certainly got journalistic integrity for allowing this to be published without manipulating the heck out of this data!)

80% Girl, 20% Boy: Intersex Awareness

A statistic that really surprised me the other day is that 1 in 2000 babies born have “indistinguisable genitalia” at birth.   XXY and XYY children are born daily, and the majority of these children have their post-operative gender decided by their parents long before their bodies suggest which sex they more closely identify with.  The UK has recently recommended to doctors and families not to perform gender assignment surgeries on children, yet legally it is still a parent’s decision to do so.  In other cultures, it is still a decision of the state.

Recent history of the past few hundred years had either ignored, alienated, or persecuted intersex people – based generally on a lack of understanding.  But lest we forget our ancient history, when our differences were reverred.  The Greek God, Hermaphroditus, was the god of hermaphrodites and of effeminate men. Hermaphroditos was a son of Hermes and Aphrodite, the gods of male and female sexuality.

Some say he was once a handsome youth who attracted the love of a Naiad nymph named Salmakis. She prayed to to be united with him forever and a god, in answer to her prayer, merged their two forms into one. At the same time her spring acquired the property of making men who bathed in its waters soft and effeminate.

Both modern Christianity and Islam have references to hermaphroditic angels, as well.  However, devout and orthodox members of these religions would have you believe that God will only recognize marriage as between a man and a woman – when gender is clearly not that black and white.  In the US alone (from the statistics above) 175,000 people would identify as intersex.  It’s high time we appreciate each other for our differences and stop using ignorance, confusion, and religion as pulpits for hate.

The video above is from Current.com and documents Adele’s 30 year journey to the crossroads of courage and realization.  I hope you enjoy it.

How NOT to Give a Handjob

Generally, bloggers here will advise on the proper way to handle one’s self for all things sexual.  While instructions on cunnilingus, fellatio, the best vibrator, and how to fulfill your partner’s sick and intimate fantasies should certainly be what readers are looking for, there is apparently just as big of a need for detailing the WRONG way of doing things as well.  Most of us are still figuring out our own bodies and are continually discovering new sensations.  We spend much less time with someone else’s body than with our own, leaving our partners one step ahead of the self-pleasure game.  Add to that the difference in genders of heterosexual relationships and a lot of unanswered questions, and you have a recipie for confusion.  Trial and error.

This is a funny clip from the Swedish film Hip Hip Hora.  Enjoy!

The Five W’s of Role-Playing

In a previous blog, we showcased several costumes suitable for Halloween or everyday role-playing fun. They say clothes may make the man (or the woman) but it’s your imagination that brings the characters to life.

Like talking dirty, role-playing stretches your mind during sex, leading to an experience that is fulfilling on multiple levels. When your mind is on something else—creating a scene—pleasure is prolonged. All the senses come into play, and the physical is merely one aspect of the ecstasy. But it’s not easy to do if you’re self-conscious—either of your abilities to come up with a tantalizing storyline, or your ability to share your fantasies.

First, relax. Close your eyes. Put yourself in the moment. Then just start talking, saying whatever comes into your head. No one is asking for Hollywood-caliber screenwriting here. (Although we’re sure you can do better than some of the lines from the latest Mummy movie!)

If you’re playing doctor and nurse, for instance, you don’t need to re-enact a script from ER. Toss in some campy medical terminology if you’d like, but use your standard porno flick script as your model. The goal of most scenes is simply to get the couple screwing. If your dialogue is silly and you both start laughing, that’s okay. Go with it. Pretend you’re famous porn stars, playing a doctor and nurse in a flick, and you flubbed your lines. (The old scene-within-a-scene literary device.)

In between the cheesy come-ons, make sure to inject some of your fantasies into the game. You don’t need to create a drama; a climax or two is the only necessary element in this story. If you need some guidance, just answer the five questions of news writing:

Who? You and your lover, obviously.

What? Have fun with this one, build up anticipation for the act by detailing exactly how you want to rip that little white skirt off her)

When? Create a sequence of events to build passion and anticipation

Where? The operating table? Your office? The supply closet where the passing janitor may overhear you in the throes of passion?

Why? Compliment your partner profusely. You may also want to toss in a little back story: how you came to meet, how long you’ve been lusting after Dr. Goodbody, why now is the perfect time to release your unadulterated passion for each other.

Before you know it, the costumes will come off and then it’s your choice to continue your passion “play” or just fuck like mad. Happy acting!

Halloween Costumes: Not Just for Trick-or-Treat

Halloween isn’t just for kids. Whether you’re planning a night on the town, trying to win costume contest prizes at the local bars bars, looking to turn heads at a party, or anticipating a quiet night at home after all the trick-or-treaters have subsided, it’s the perfect excuse to play dress-up for your lover.

So what’s your lover’s secret fantasy?

I know many men who’d love to see their lady dressed as a schoolgirl. What is it about short plaid skirts? Why not don this sexy set and re-enact a few scenes from a “Barely Legal” video? You’re sure to score an “A.”

Does anyone remember the scene from friends where Ross ravished Rachel in her high school cheerleader costume? I know real-life couples who’ve experienced the same. Who cares if you actually played clarinet in the band in high school? You’re all grown-up now and it’s time to show your partner who’s number one!

If you want to turn the tables on your guy, dress up as a sexy football player and he’ll turn off the TV for some games of his own, with you as the late-night quarterback.

Can’t decide what you want to be for Halloween? You can’t go wrong with the classic French maid. Let your lover arrive home from work to see you bending over as you dust those lower shelves, and it won’t matter that the dishes aren’t done and the bed isn’t made.

Dressing up doesn’t have to include role-play, but it certainly can. How about a doctor and nurse combo? It’s late Halloween night at the hospital, and you and your lover sneak away into a supply closet to release some of that emergency room stress.

Costumes aren’t just for the women either. What’s better than a giant schlong? A thick, hard, supernaturally-long penis that unzips to hold two cans of beer. While this costume is more likely to get you giggling than giddy with desire, laughter often leads to the best sex of your life.

Long after I outgrew knocking on doors for candy, I still love the “make-believe” aspects of Halloween. With all these costume choices, there’s just one more question to ask: who do you want to be this year?

Swinger Parties

For many people, dating sucks. There are people who love it, excel in it, find it fun, interesting, even easy (or maybe they just like the challenge?) Then there’s the rest of us.

So when you find a partner you want to settle down with for the rest of your life, on top of all the other benefits of a loving relationship, you don’t have to date anymore!

Then, maybe you decide to add swinging into your relationship mix. And—BAM! You’re back to the challenge of finding suitable partners. On the bright side, however, you already have a partner to share in your misery—and if all goes well, eventual pleasure.

In my first post about swinging, I discussed the benefits of hooking up with friends. But what if you don’t have any friends who share your inclinations? There are lots of Web sites where you can meet up with other couples for two-on-two encounters, possibly building life-long friendships as well as finding sexual playmates. But you can forego the “dating scene” by attending parties, instead.

Most house parties are by invitation only, but they are very welcome to newcomers who have been able to score an invitation. Start out by frequenting local swinger forums on the Internet or searching for swinger parties going on at lifestyle clubs in your area. Also check alternative lifestyle newspapers in your area; classifieds sometimes list house parties.

You don’t have to hook up at a club unless you want to; if a party atmosphere is what you seek, network and get to know people. Once you start conversations, ask regulars if they know of house parties going on, maybe even that night! If you’re friendly (without seeming stalker-ish) and seem fun to be around, chances are invitations will start flowing like wine.

Benefits of House Parties

What’s the difference between a house party and a club connection? Think of the difference between a carefully-selected gathering of people in a friend’s home versus spending the night at a club. It’s as simple as that. Less pressure, usually less people, and a more laidback “stay and party all night if you’d like” attitude. If you prefer parties to the club scene—well, you’ll prefer parties to the club scene!

Rules of the Party

Just as you follow rules of etiquette any time you visit someone’s home, certain rules apply at parties.

Arrive on time. You always want to arrive at a gathering on time, but at swinger parties, it’s crucial. It can be awkward to enter when the party is already underway and couples have already hooked up in the throes of passion.

BYOB Many swinger parties that permit drinking are “bring your own bottle,” so inquire ahead of time. Even if you’re not expected to bring your own alcohol, it’s nice to ask the guest if there is anything you can bring, and show up with a small token: a light dish, a bottle of wine, or a small host gift.

Bring… everything else. Don’t forget personal grooming products to clean up afterward, and, of course, condoms. Show up showered, shaved and ready for action.

Leave with the one who brought you. You’re at the party specifically not to “dance” with the one who brought you, so to speak, but be sure to leave with them. It’s considered bad form if half of a swinging couple leaves the partner behind.

This covers the general rules of etiquette. Most importantly, know the rules of the party you’re attending, including what kind of swinging will go on and what activities may be frowned upon.

Make the Most of the Party

Discuss boundaries with your partner beforehand. You don’t want misunderstandings, which can be awkward for everyone involved, while you’re in the act.

Establish signals. During mainstream get-togethers, most couples have a gesture or hand signal that indicates “It’s time to go home.” Establish a signal that tells your partner if you like the couple you’ve approached and want to pursue a connection, or if you’re not into them. You should have a signal for whether or not to approach a couple, one to decide if you like them or not, and one to know how to respond if another couple approaches you. This should not be a topic for negotiating—either both of you like the couple, or it’s a no-go.

If you want to extricate yourself from a situation, simply be polite and say “No, thanks,” or, “We’re not interested.” No explanation is necessary, and these words should be respected. Likewise, if a couple turns you down, don’t take it personally; just as in dating, not every pairing is a perfect match.

Relax and have fun. This is the key to swinging. As in any leisure activity/lifestyle, if it’s not fun, why do it? Be open not only to meeting couples for sex, but to making some great friends.

And if you run into a fellow swinger in the “real world?” Be discrete. It may be okay to smile and wave, but don’t let on where you know each other. If you think a friendly greeting will open you to questions that you’re not prepared to answer, pretend you’ve just met. The other couple will understand.