Prop 8 Upheld in Cali but Existing Marriages Still Legal

Perhaps your lover tied you up in full restraints and a ball gag this Memorial Day weekend and just released you this morning. If that’s the case, here’s the latest news not involving Jon and Kate:

On May 26, California Supreme Court voted to uphold Proposition 8, which makes gay marriage once again illegal. However, the 18,000 couples who were married between May and November 2008, when a law passed stating that Prop 8 is unconstitutional, are still legally married in the eyes of the California courts.

So if you are a gay or lesbian couple in California who got cold feet at the altar – you’re out of luck for now. He who hesitates is lost (hopefully only temporarily).

An article in the Christian Science Monitor reports Chief Justice Ronald George as writing that only the term “marriage” is withheld, and same-sex couples in a civil union will have the same rights as married heterosexual couples. Essentially, he’s implying the “spirit” of marriage will remain for gay couples – just not the terminology.

It feels like an empty victory, if it can be called any “victory” at all. Language is powerful and to offer gay and lesbian couples the same rights in a civil union as married  heterosexual couples enjoy smacks of unconstitutional segregation. Didn’t we (i.e., the United States) determine in the 60s that “separate but equal” isn’t really equal at all?

From an economic standpoint – which I’ve talked about before – at least the GLBT community receives the same financial benefits as straight married couples. But same-sex couples have made it abundantly clear that their argument is not about money, but about love and equality.

Meanwhile, with the latest ruling, the state of California loses any financial benefits of simply upholding Prop 8 and not recognizing any sort of legal union for same-sex couples. Maybe I was wrong and it’s not always about money – at least not entirely?

For reasons unfathomable to me in the liberal state of California, the decision seems to be more about preserving the so-called religious sanctity of the word (and concept of) marriage. Which brings us back to a very compelling argument about separation of church and state.

At this point, your happily married, mostly-heterosexual blogger – who really isn’t affected in either way by the whole argument other than as a human being and an American who believes in civil rights for all – just wants to throw up her arms in disgust and shout that either way you slice it: “Proposition 8 is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!”

I’m not alone in that sentiment, either. Following the ruling, protest rallies and marches ensued in 100 major cities across the country. One of the largest took place in New York, beginning at Sheridan Place and ending in Union Square. City Council Speaker Christine Quinn implored the 1000-person crowd to lobby the state senate for gay marriage to be legalized in New York.

Iowa, Vermont, and Maine recently voted to legalize gay marriages, joining Massachusetts, where same-sex marriages have been legal since 2004.

I understand this is an extremely serious matter and we can only hope that public opinion and the GLBT community will once again sway lawmakers into legalizing gay marriage again – in California and in the remaining states. I can practically feel the frustration of Californians after all they’ve been through in fighting for their rights. But to end this post on a lighthearted note, I thought I would share this witty – and I hope facetious! — blog post about why gay marriage *isn’t* fair to straight couples, especially brides-to-be!

Viral Vid Scares Teens into Safe Sex?

A viral video out of the UK that shows teens rushing toward a screaming melee on a high school sports field turns out not to be what you may think. The group of teens has gathered in a circle not to view a game injury or even watch a fight, but to see a pregnant teen giving birth.

The video crosses the line into Really Explicit when we see a tiny head pop out from between the screaming girl’s legs. The video, shot with an iPhone camera, promotes a docu-drama series, launching June 1, on the Web site HeyBabe.co.uk. HeyBabe (Be Aware Be Educated) is a site run by NHS (National Health Services) Leicester to provide support and information to sexually active teens in Leicester, England.

The video closes with the words: “Not what you expected? Being a teenage parent might not be either.”

YouTube banned the video a mere 24 hours after NHS Leicester posted it, saying it was a violation of their terms of service, which prohibits the show of gratuitous violence.

Oddly, Youtube then allowed the same video, branded with information about the docu-drama series it promotes tacked onto the end, to remain on their site. The video also still airs at HeyBabe.com.

Representatives from NHS Leicester Trust said they filmed the video because previous marketing tactics of pamphlets and posters weren’t getting the attention of teens and teen pregnancy is running rampant in Leicester, with one out of every 20 girls, ages 15 to 17, pregnant.

So what’s the problem with the viral video?

I have a number of problems with the video. If you’re going to shock teens into paying attention – and I’m all for that – don’t do it with misinformation and melodrama. Viewing the bloody scene may scare teens out of the thought of giving birth; in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it terrifies nearly any woman of childbearing age who may happen upon the video. I’m definitely glad it came out after I gave birth! Considering the video’s been viewed more than 72,000 times (and counting), and has attracted the attention and ire of the mom blogger community, I wonder how many women have already made panicked calls to their moms, friends, sisters or ob/gyns?

But childbirth doesn’t have to be like that at all – not for a young teen or for anyone. Rather than scaring a teen out of having sex, it’s more likely to scare a teenage mother-to-be straight into a scheduled c-section. And that’s not really a desirable option – not for the pocketbook of the health care system, the mother’s well-being, or the infant, for that matter.

Teenagers are impulsive, “instant gratification” types and while the video may temporarily scare them out of ever wanting to have children, I don’t think it will scare them out of having sex. It might not even scare them enough that they will remember to use protection.

However, it’s important to remember the video is only one part of a larger campaign. And NHS Leicester admitted the video was designed to get teens’ attention. In that regard, it has succeeded.

It will be interesting to follow the rest of the marketing campaign and view the docu-drama when it launches. It will be even more interesting to compare teen pregnancy rates after the docu-drama has made the rounds.

I commend NHS Leicester for trying to tackle a very difficult problem. As a natural childbirth advocate, I just wish they had been a bit more responsible in doing so.

Vibrator.com Best Buys: 5 Under $22

In the first installment of Vibrator.com’s Best Buys, we spotlighted 10 of our favorite products priced under $20. But if you want to forego that overpriced coffee house latte and spend a few more dollars (and we mean just a few!) here’s a selection of must-haves for under $22. You’re worth it, aren’t you?

Aquarius Hydro-powered Underwater Massager, $21 – A rabbit massager? That’s waterproof? And multi-speed? All for just $21? Okay, enough with the questions… You know the answer! And with all these features, it’s no wonder the 5.25-inch long Aquarius from Cal Exotics is one of our most popular rabbit vibes! The removable soft jelly sleeve has nubbies for pleasure and features the clit tickler rabbits are known for. The soft jelly sleeve is extremely comfortable and also easy to clean. Plus, you can use the matte finish plastic shaft on its own as a straight vibe, so you’re getting two toys for the price of one.

I Rub My Duckie, $21 – This unique looking waterproof massager has multiple surfaces to keep things interesting in the tub, pool, or Jacuzzi. Plus, you can store it in plain sight in your bathroom and it will blend in as part of the scenery. This cute little rubber duckie is perfect for clitoral pleasure. Plus, it’s practically silent.

G-Spot Dream Massager, $20 – This g-spot massager has many of the same features as much more expensive models. It offers multiple speeds, gyrating motion, and whisper-quiet operation. Made from soft Rubber-cote and measuring a full 7 inches long, this toy packs a lot of pleasure into a low, low price.

Colt Waterproof Anal T Vibrator, $21 – It’s hard to find remote control vibes –especially anal vibes – for a low price. But the Colt Waterproof Power Anal T, measuring 5.25” from the base, is a great value for the money, and is new here at Vibrator.com. The remote control lets you power through four different speeds of vibration, while the rubber coating promises a smooth insertion. The unique T-shape makes it easy to hold and insert, and the shaft is slanted for better ergonomics. The manly black color makes this a great gift to give your guy, and he’ll never know you paid so little!

Wireless Clit Flicker Stimulating Cock Ring, $20 –Vibrator.com’s best-selling cock ring is available for just $20—batteries included! This soft jelly ring fits most cocks, so you can save regardless of how well-endowed you are. Reviewers have used it orally, anally and vaginally with orgasmic results every time. The wireless stimulator simulates tongue action to give you both hours of pleasure for one low price.

Money may be tight, but there’s no reason to skimp on pleasure or let your toy box get dull. Freshen up your collection with one of these fun finds. One reviewer said of the Clit Flicker cock ring that it “changed [their] sex life forever.” Now isn’t that worth about 20 bucks?

When a Fetish Becomes a Chore

Ah, fetishes. They can make sex even more fun and exciting, or – for the less enthusiastic partner of a fetishist – turn it into a banal chore.

In a prior post, we explored the medical and colloquial definitions of a fetish. But what if your partner has a fetish that isn’t exactly hampering his ability to function as a normal individual, but it makes you long for the days when sex was just, well, a little bit of foreplay, then penetration? No props, cameras, vinyl, rubber, leather, lace, balloons, puppets… you get the picture.

Is It a True Fetish?

Experts consider a fetish any sexual obsession that interferes with a person’s ability to function normally in work and social settings. But sometimes, when one partner has a fetish the other person doesn’t share, it can affect your sex life in a negative way – even if you previously enjoyed sharing in the fetish activity.

In fact, when a partner indulges their significant other in a fetish, that fetish can grow stronger until it turns into a problem for both parties. If your partner can’t get aroused without thinking about or using the fetish object, by all means, seek professional help or couples counseling.

If your partner can get aroused without the object, but chooses not to, he may not realize it’s grown stale for you. Chances are, you’ll be able to work things out on your own, without professional intervention. As with any other aspect of sex, communication is the key.

Remember, It’s Not You

Partners coerced into fetish activities often begin to feel they aren’t adequate on their own. “He only wants me for my feet!” might be a common complaint.

First, remember that his fetish has nothing to do with you. Even if it hasn’t turned into a full-blown addiction that requires treatment, it’s about the object, not about you. If he can’t get turned on without the object, that is because of him, not your level of attractiveness. If he can… then it’s time to talk to him about doing so every so often.

Conversation-starters

First, stress to your partner that you don’t want to abandon his fetish completely, but you’d like to try something that turns you on more every once in a while.

Suggest, kindly and when you’re outside the bedroom: “Would it be okay if we tried sex without [fetish object] once in a while, just for something different?”

Don’t be afraid to ask for the reassurance you need. Ask him straight out if he still finds you attractive. If he has a foot fetish, for instance, ask him to compliment other body parts, even if you have to fish for the compliments. Wear clothing emphasizing other body parts and then ask a question like, “Doesn’t this thong make my ass look tight?” Hopefully, he’ll get the idea that you want to focus on another body part for a change.

Transfer the “Object of Transfer”

A fetishist transfers his sexual feelings onto a specific, typically non-sexual, object. If the so-called fetish  is not so much about the fetish object, but about doing something daring, different and socially unacceptable in the bedroom, change it up.

If your partner is infatuated with dirty talk, try making a video instead. If he’s into being blindfolded, see if he’d be game to try being tied up instead. If he doesn’t have a true fetish by the clinical definition, but merely craves excitement and is turned on by taboo acts, he shouldn’t mind trying something different. Maybe he’s just fallen into a kinky rut and needs to explore other creative sex acts.

Fetishes, like any non-mainstream sex acts, aren’t inherently good or bad, but when one partner stops finding enjoyment in it, it’s time to pause and re-assess your sex life. It doesn’t mean you’re not good together as a couple, it just means you need to work on some aspects of your relationship. And who doesn’t?

What’s Your Favorite Fetish?

The DSM-IV, the text book psychologists and doctors use to diagnose mental illnesses, defines sexual fetishes as recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, urges or behaviors involving the use of non-living objects, which cause clinically-significant distress or impairment in normal functioning. Experts call such fetishes, which interfere with a normal sex life, paraphilia.

However, many people use a fetish to describe any “unusual” and recurring sexual behavior. It doesn’t interfere with the person’s job or social life, and may even enhance a couple’s sex life.

History of the Fetish

The word fetish, by most accounts, originates from the Portuguese word “Feitico” meaning “false” and refers to the transfer of power from one object to a substitute. For instance, rather than being turned on by an entire woman, her sexual power is transferred only to her breasts, or feet, or lingerie she’s wearing.

Some experts claim fetishes are established from incidents that take place while masturbating during puberty. The person becomes fixated on object which is not normally associated with sex (in other words, you can’t actually have a vibrator fetish!) in order to become aroused.

That may be true about actual, clinical fetishes that interfere with a patient’s life. What people commonly refer to as “fetishes,” – non-vanilla sexual preferences – more likely come about due to a sense of sexual adventure, experimentation, and the desire to keep things exciting in the bedroom.

Is it a Problem?

Do you have an actual fetish or just a preference? If you can get aroused without using, seeing or even thinking about the object or body part, it’s merely a preference. If you absolutely need it for sex, it’s a fetish.

Whether you should get treatment depends on if it’s preventing you from functioning normally—in and out of the bedroom. If you have a fetish and an understanding partner more than happy to humor your fetish, keep it up (so to speak).

Types of Fetishes

Many different fetishes exist, and we covered some of the more unusual ones in the post “They Like What?” But all fetishes fall into one of three categories:

Media: A media fetish emphasizes the material of an inanimate object. Like leather, lace, rubber, latex or silk? That’s a media fetish.

Form: A form fetishes focuses on the shape of an object rather than its texture. A balloon fetish is both a form and media fetish, while an attraction to high heels is purely a form fetish. Casting, for the person viewing the cast, would be a form fetish, while for the wearer, it is a media fetish.

Animate: Any fetish involving living things or even body parts, from hamsters to human feet, is considered animate.

Askmen.com published a list, based on a reader survey, of the top ten most popular fetishes. The top five?

1. Voyeurism & exhibitionism

2. Golden showers

3. Water

4. Braids, ponytails and pigtails

5. Fingernails and lipstick

We’ll explore these and other fetishes in future posts. What’s your favorite fetish?

7946437: Are You a Swinger?

As swinger novices, my husband and I sometimes miss opportunities for sex with other couples simply because we don’t realize the opportunities exist. The conversation goes like this: “Hmm, they’re cute. I wonder if they’d be interested?

And the possibility ends there because, “Hey, would you like to have sex with my husband (or wife)?” is not exactly an opening line that’s easy to bring up at your garden-variety cocktail party. Sometimes I’ll get a vibe and start to wonder, but I haven’t been brave enough to pursue it.

I’ve often wished a code existed for swingers to identify each other in public. It turns out there are several, from clothing to bracelets to logos and even (my favorite) a text message!

Just Say It
A search on cafepress.com for the word “Swingers” yields a ton of merchandise—some subtle, some not-so-subtle. Since many people refer to swinging as “the lifestyle,” apparel with these words in a not-so-obvious spot can identify you as a swinger, while most people won’t even notice it. If someone asks, you can always explain it away as another sort of lifestyle. (Use your imagination; or affect a mischievous grin and tell them to use theirs!)

My favorite? “Plays well with others.”

Take a Bite
NASCA International, an association of swing organizations whose mission is to promote swinging as an enjoyable social recreation and lifestyle, uses a logo of an apple with a bite taken out of it to represent “the lifestyle.”

Many other pins and pendants also exist, which might be recognizable to other swingers but just look like a cool piece of jewelry to anyone else.

Some other popular swinger symbols include:

-    A multi-colored chameleon (www.swingersymbol.com)
-    four intersecting male and female symbols
-    a circle with both the male and female symbols (visible on the SwappWatch)
-    Other versions of M, F, M, and F symbol combinations exist, too.

My only fear about wearing a pendant in the shape of an apple? I could be mistaken for a Mac enthusiast!

Give ‘Em Your Number
The most practical way to ask about a couple’s tendency in a crowd might be the text symbol for swinger: 7946437. I wish I had known about this one the other night. The numbers spell out SWINGER.

First you have to get their cell number, of course, but if you’ve already begun pursuing a friendship with the couple or individual—or even just started a promising conversation—that shouldn’t be too hard. If they have no idea what you’re talking about after you send the text, you can always blame the seemingly random numbers on butt-dialing.

Swinger Bracelets
7946437.com offers vinyl swinger bracelets in different colors, which show others not only that you are a swinger, but your preference or level of swinging. (i.e., soft swap only, anything goes, novice swingers still exploring the lifestyle).

Since many people wear these type of different-colored rubber bracelets to promote everything from finding a cure for cancer to showing the gender of your unborn baby, they won’t warrant a second look from the average person. A swinger might just pick up on the numbers and know what you’re looking for.

And if you were wondering, yours truly might be spotted sporting a dark blue and cobalt combination, with a purple thrown in for good measure.

Now it would be neat if someone designed a line of bracelets to show preferences in sex toys and other accessories.

I imagine some readers (myself included!) could wear bracelets up the lengths of both arms:  “Plays with: strap-ons, rabbits, clitoral vibes, wireless remotes, cock rings, handcuffs, nipple clamps, butt plugs…oh, yeah, and others!”