Lace Thongs, Boxer Briefs & Other Underwear Tales

A few friends gathered at my house the other day and the topic of underwear came up.

“Everyone’s got a good underwear story!” my one friend said. But she’s been known to write fan fiction about BDSM elves, so I’m not sure if she falls into that category of “everyone.”

As I thought about it, though, I realized I did have a few. And a few that are fun to re-tell although they’re not mine. So sit right back and you’ll hear a tale (or three)…

“She forgot to add the fabric softener…”

A friend of mine is an elementary school teacher. At the chalk board one day, she noticed something amiss. You might say she had something up her sleeve. She casually maneuvered her hand to pull a black lace thong out the sleeve of her sweater. Blushing, she tucked the thong into her pocket and continued with the lesson.

“He left these at my house…”

Doing laundry one day I came across a pair of boxer briefs that were decidedly not my husband’s. Now, a friend had visited a few months prior, but I’m still not sure how his underwear didn’t make it to the laundry sooner. So I got to make that fun phone call.

“Um, I think you left underwear at my house…”
“Are you sure?” Let’s just say that yes, I do know what his underwear looks like (when he chooses to wear it.) So I was pretty sure.
“Boxer briefs? Dark gray?”
“Yup.”

It just so happened I’d be seeing my friend’s fiancé at another friend’s bridal shower the next week, so, of course, I brought the underwear. I couldn’t resist handing them to her in front of the bride-to-be’s 76-year-old, never-married aunt. “Your husband left these at my house,” I said, resisting a smirk.

She didn’t bat an eye, took them, and thanked me. It’s fun to make people wonder.

“That’s why I’m the cool aunt…”

Last week, my washing machine broke so I went to my sister’s house to do a load of laundry. Just the necessities: socks, underwear, jeans, and lots and lots of baby clothes. When the dryer finished, I brought the basket of clean clothes into the living room where my sister helped me fold them.

My one-year-old daughter decided she wanted to help and began pulling clothes out of the basket and handing them to her cousin, my 14-year-old nephew. First a shirt. A onesie. And then a pink leopard print thong.

He played it cool, getting ready to toss the thong back into the basket without a word when his father pointed it out. “A leopard thong?”

“Is that the baby’s?” my sister asked, not quite sure what was going on.

Um. No.

Why not share your own underwear stories? Everybody’s got one, right?

Did Oprah’s Flight Attendants Have Sex on the Plane?

Oprah’s making headlines again, but it’s not about weight loss, bestselling books or giving away lots of money (although it may turn out that way.) According to  US Magazine, a flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet filed a lawsuit late last week, after losing her job based on accusations that she had sex on the plane.

Flight attendant Corrine Gehrls said that fellow flight attendants Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus accused Gehrls of sex with chief pilot Terry Pansing. The accusations resulted in their termination. Although they passed lie detector tests, they were not re-hired. According to the US Magazine.com article, Gehrls is seeking “more than $75,000 in damages from Gooch, Bumpus and Harpo Inc., Oprah’s production company.”

My thoughts?
What kind of names are Gooch and Bumpus? Maybe they made the accusations out of jealousy; people with names like Gooch and Bumpus don’t strike me as the type to get laid on a plane (or anywhere else for that matter.)

But seriously… my next thought is that “more than $75,000” if you’re Oprah Winfrey really isn’t a lot of money to make this all go away. But it would set a dangerous precedent, because when does that type of thing stop?

And then, my mind wanders away from all this silliness as I drift into my own fantasy world… sex on a plane. Is it feasible?

The (apparently self-appointed) Minister of Common Sense says it’s not.  But the strength of his argument seems to lie in the fact that he doesn’t find it appealing, therefore, no one has ever done it. There are lots of things — from rubbing balloons on my private parts to watching puppets have sex — that don’t appeal to me. But that doesn’t mean some people don’t enjoy these fetishes. But back to sex on a plane…

How to have sex on a plane
The consensus seems to be the bathroom would be the most private place. Overnight (red-eye) flights are the best times. You should sneak out during drink service, when most people aren’t using the bathroom. Your partner should follow a minute later. Some people may notice and raise eyebrows, but, in all likelihood, no one will say anything. If a flight attendant catches you, one person should feign illness, thereby explaining why you’re crammed into the lavatory together. Hold your partner’s hand, request a ginger ale, and make your attempt on a different flight.

Once inside, (the bathroom, I mean) it won’t be comfortable. But you’re not doing this for the romance or the comfort, right? You want to join that exclusive group, the mile-high club. You’re on a quest!

With one partner straddling the toilet bowl, the other can penetrate from behind. Best of all, you have tissues and water at the ready for clean-up. That, in fact, may be the only good (or sanitary) thing about sex on a plane.

Keep in mind, if caught you can be charged with all sorts of embarrassing crimes, from disturbing the peace to “lewd and lascivious behavior.” It’s also illegal to disregard a flight attendant’s  orders. There is a chance, if you have sex on a plane, you’ll find police waiting for you at your destination. You probably won’t, as some people claim, get kicked out of the airplane, however.

Now that I’ve thought this through, I think I’d prefer to join the Mile-High Club this way: on a private plane with a bed, a bottle of champagne, and even a commemorative certificate.  Where else can you actually get an award for having sex?

How to Remove Ben Wa Balls

During a late night in front of the computer, a friend sent me this story,  about a woman with Ben Wa balls stuck in her hoo-ha. (Her words…)

Your resident blogger waits patiently as you read…

Pretty funny, no?

This got me thinking, though… Was this the best way to release those little ben wa balls? And I also couldn’t help but wonder… why didn’t she buy the ones with a string, like the popular SmartBalls. Even  their name is clever. And the strong silicone string permits easy removal.

But, for those more adventurous, who like their balls with no strings attached,  what is the best way to remove ben wa balls on the off chance that they should become stuck?

Incidentally, my experience with ben wa balls tends to agree with blogger Kat’s toy salesperson – gravity does a great job at making sure most women don’t wind up in Kat’s predicament. She truly must, as she proclaims, have a Super Hoo-ha.  I’m only slightly jealous.

But in case you, too, are blessed with a Super Hoo-ha and wind up in the embarrassing situation of two ben wa balls stuck up there without a string, several methods can work to save you any embarrassing phone calls or trips to the doctor.

The most important thing to remember is to relax. In a relaxed state, you have more control over your body, so whichever method you choose to release the ben wa balls will be more effective.

Perform deep breathing exercises, count to ten slowly, or make yourself a cup of tea and go about your day. The balls will come out. It is physically impossible to permanently lose Ben Wa balls inside your body.

Jump up and down. Give gravity a hand by standing up and then jumping up and down. Most people who’ve had issues retrieving their balls noted that this worked. You may feel a bit silly jumping up and down naked (or maybe not…), but weigh the alternatives here…

“Squat and sweep.” Squatting close to the ground, reach into your vagina with one or two fingers and “sweep” the balls out.

Cough, sneeze or laugh. Many women (who haven’t been doing their kegels!) may experience mild incontinence when they cough, sneeze or laugh, because doing so relaxes the PC muscles – those same muscles holding the Ben Wa balls firmly in place. A good cough, sneeze or laugh (I know which of the three I’d choose!) may be all it takes for the Ben Wa balls to drop free.

Squat and push. Any woman who’s given birth naturally knows the way to force something out of your vagina is to “push.” If this action can work for an 8-pound human being, it will definitely work for two, tiny weighted balls. Many sources recommend this as the quickest and easiest way to remove Ben Wa balls that are stubbornly stuck.

With this knowledge, readers can relax and experience the wonder of Ben Wa balls with no worries. How to keep them in when you’re in a vertical position? That’s advice for another article.

10 Best Sex Toy Names

I’ve been writing about sex toys long enough to realize sex toys have fun names. Some are seductive, but some are so silly you have to giggle. In the interests of a good time, I thought I’d share with you, in no particular order, my favorite vibrator names.

Decadent Indulgence: The vibrator so hot California Exotics made not one, but two sequels (the Decadent Indulgence 2 and 3). The name calls to mind rich, dark chocolate. But there are no calories in this fun, feature-packed toy.

Ambitious Beaver: I admit, the name of this vibe from B.M.S. Enterprises inspired this post. A beaver vibrator is actually a variation of the famous rabbit, where a beaver tail and paws replace the dual bunny ears for a whole new level of clit-tickling pleasure. I love the idea of this “ambitious” little fella getting to work with seven different functions and ten speeds. He’s as busy as a… well, you know.

All American Whopper: We’re not talking about a burger, here, but there’s plenty of beef with this 7-inch dong. The suction cup holds it firmly in place, putting the power of plenty in your control. And what could be more American than the freedom to ride a seven-inch, realistic dildo wherever and whenever you want?

Honorable mention goes to his brother, the Chocolate Whopper with Balls. Both dildos are waterproof, as well, but I’d recommend putting those little non-skid things on the bottom of your tub before you attempt any maneuvers with these big boys.

Clone-a-Willy: Not only does the name make me giggle, but the product is… let’s call it an interesting novelty. The kit includes everything a man needs to make an exact replica of his own cock – just add water! It’s kind of like sea monkeys – but not. It also comes in chocolate and soap varieties.

Taylor Wane’s Assturbator Anal masturbation starter kit – A great play on words that evokes thoughts of a super powerful vibrator and more, Nasstoys Assturbator kit is all you need for anal play.

It’s also one of those products that makes you appreciate online sex toy sellers like Vibrator.com. I’m pretty bold, but it would be hard to go into my local adult store and ask for “the Assturbator” without smirking, blushing or both.

Tit Tax – A bachelor party favorite, Tit Tax are, you guessed it, breast-shaped breath mints. Ladies will want to offer up their counterpart, Dick Tarts, at their next girls-only gathering.

Clingon Glass Probe – You get three guesses what to do with the Clingon glass probe. If you guessed it has something to do with your bum, you’re right. But this unique glass toy also inserts about 3 inches into the vagina, resting on the PC muscles (those are the ones used for kegel exercises.) The slim butt plug adds to the pleasure while a ridged front offers g-spot stimulation. Now I understand where it got its name; the ridges kind of do look like an alien forehead – the cool kind, not the lame Klingons from the original Star Trek TV series.

Vibrating Diva Pleaser – This royal purple masterpiece tells it like it is. Designed for true divas, this scentless, water-proof, three-speed toy provides triple stimulation. Of course, a diva would desire nothing less!

I Rub My Duckie Bondage – The famous Rub My Duckie discreet vibrator has gotten a little crazier with this BDSM version. Clad all in leather, he comes with his own tiny set of handcuffs and a ball gag firmly placed in his beak. “Rubber duckie, you’re the one,” indeed.

Fleshlights – I love a good pun, and the Fleshlight line of products has a name that is both clever and descriptive. Nestled inside a flashlight case rests a Realskin pussy, mouth or ass for all your personal pleasure.