Would You Give Your Teen Daughter a Vibrator?

Sex expert Dr. Laura Berman recommends women buy vibrators for their teenage daughters.

“You’re teaching them about their own bodies and pleasuring themselves,” Dr. Berman said on a segment of Oprah this past spring. “They don’t need [a] boy – they don’t need another person — until they’re ready.”

She went on to say that using a vibrator may even make teenage girls safer, sexually-speaking, because it may encourage them to put off their sexual experience even longer.

Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, shook her throughout the segment, arguing that it is “just too much information.” Kids are growing up fast enough, these days, she argued. Parents don’t need to add battery-operated fuel to the raging teenage hormonal fire.

The thought crossed my mind that, upon discovering how good sexual pleasure can feel with a vibrator, teenage girls may actually be more eager to find out about the real thing. (Only to be sorely disappointed by a first experience with an inexperienced boy their own age, of course… sending them running back to their vibrator… maybe Dr. Berman has the right idea?)

Dr. Berman says it’s about empowerment – teaching teens not only the basics of sex as well as how to be safe, but educating them about orgasm. Which we all know is an important part of sex. But I’m still not sure about vibrator-shopping with a teenage daughter.

Talking to Teens About Sex
I remember learning about masturbation from Judy Blume books. A few years later, I started learning about sex from Danielle Steele. We did not talk about sex in my house – at all. While my mom knew exactly what I was reading (after all, she read Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts, too) we never discussed it.

I know this is an extreme situation – the polar opposite of what today’s experts recommend. Certainly, I agree that parents should teach their teens about sex: the basic mechanics, safe sex for protection against disease and pregnancy, and the importance of not giving into peer pressure.

It’s also important to talk about the emotional connection forged after sex, which may surprise teenage girls who don’t fully understand the difference between love and lust; sometimes, those “feel-close” hormones can even throw grown women for a loop after a casual encounter.

Girls are giving blowjobs at 13 and 14 years old. (Note to the experts: Surprise! This is NOT a new phenomenon!) So it’s wise for parents to explain that STI’s can be transmitted through oral sex and condom use is important. Parents shouldn’t just pretend it’s not happening or even that it’s an atrocity.  It happens, has been happening probably since the dawn of time, and will continue to happen.  Sex education in schools, one-on-one conversations  at home, and buying sex toys for our teens won’t change that. The best we can do is educate teens on how to be safe and protect against disease and pregnancy. Well, that or chastity belts.

A Vibe for your Teen?
While I’m very much in favor of sex education and parents talking to their kids about sex, I also agree with Gayle King that to buy a teenage girl a vibrator is, indeed, “TMI.” I think discussions with teens about sex should lean toward the practical and the clinical. Of course, if a teenager has any questions, they should be answered open and honestly, and parents should make it clear that their kids can come to them with questions.

But I can imagine only one reaction if my mother ever brought up the topic of vibrators, masturbation or the specifics of orgasm: complete mortification. I can’t imagine it would be comfortable for many teenagers – or their parents. And I don’t see many benefits to it.

With all due respect, I think Dr. Berman is not giving enough consideration to the other reasons teenagers have sex, including the same reason vibrators don’t replace real-life lovers for grown-ups. Whether you’re 14 or 40, a sex toy—while fun—can never replace the intimacy of sex with someone you love (or even like a whole lot!)

Paranormal Activity: Sex with Ghosts

Movies like Paranormal Activity and Blair Witch Project have caused box-office fervor in recent years. These ultra-low-budget films detail the experiences of  regular folks encountering…(cue Twilight Zone music)…ghosts!

There’s nothing X-rated going on between the ghosts and mortals in these flicks. But wouldn’t that be a unique twist? According to paranormal experts, it’s been known to happen.

Stacey G, northern Virginia paranomal investigator with over 20 years experience in dealing with all things going bump in the night, says, “Many of my clients will tell me about dreams where they believe they’ve been visited by ghosts, some resulting in sexual encounters.”

Since these encounters take place during dreams, however, with no one else present (or a partner soundly asleep beside the visited person) they’re hard to prove.

Celebrity Ghost Sex
The most publicized case of presumed ghost sex took place several years ago, when Anna Nicole Smith had “amazing sex” with an entity she believed to be her boyfriend, alive and well in bed next to her, and then discovered it was actually a ghost having its way with her. At first, Smith revealed, she was scared but then concluded that the ghost had never hurt her, only given her amazing pleasure.

Smith’s reaction mirrors that of many people who have had the experience. “Some find it pleasurable to connect with a loved one who has passed over,” Stacey G says. “One woman told me she had an encounter with her boyfriend who had died in a motorcycle accident six months before. She felt it was their ‘goodbye.’”

Other people, Stacey G reveals, are confused and frightened by the encounter.

Not Sex, Just an “Old Hag”
Whether a night time encounter is actually ghost sex or something else is hard to say. “It’s hard to prove a dream state,” Stacey G says.

Even if physical marks, such as bruising or scratches, are present, there’s no way of knowing if the marks were there previously, caused by a real-life lover, or even by the victim herself. (Most victims of ghost sex are women.) “You have to trust the person relating the tale,” Stacey G says.

In most cases, ghost sex is actually “Old Hag syndrome,” or Sleep Paralysis. Sleep Paralysis is a medical condition afflicting 25 to 30 percent of the population. It occurs during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, when our voluntary motor functions shut down so we don’t hurt ourselves by acting out our dreams.

If we awaken partially during REM sleep, we find our bodies “paralyzed,” and may experience heavy pressure on our chests. SP may also cause hallucinations. All these factors, including the feeling of someone being on top of us, can trick the brain into thinking someone, or something, is having sex with us.

Perhaps that’s not as provocative as Anna Nicole Smith’s proclamations of “amazing sex with a ghost!” or as romantic as re-connecting with a deceased lover by means of a passion-filled, dream-like encounter. And who knows? Maybe ghost sex does exist for a handful of individuals. I’d rather focus on making sex with real-life lovers as amazing as possible.