7946437: Are You a Swinger?

As swinger novices, my husband and I sometimes miss opportunities for sex with other couples simply because we don’t realize the opportunities exist. The conversation goes like this: “Hmm, they’re cute. I wonder if they’d be interested?

And the possibility ends there because, “Hey, would you like to have sex with my husband (or wife)?” is not exactly an opening line that’s easy to bring up at your garden-variety cocktail party. Sometimes I’ll get a vibe and start to wonder, but I haven’t been brave enough to pursue it.

I’ve often wished a code existed for swingers to identify each other in public. It turns out there are several, from clothing to bracelets to logos and even (my favorite) a text message!

Just Say It
A search on cafepress.com for the word “Swingers” yields a ton of merchandise—some subtle, some not-so-subtle. Since many people refer to swinging as “the lifestyle,” apparel with these words in a not-so-obvious spot can identify you as a swinger, while most people won’t even notice it. If someone asks, you can always explain it away as another sort of lifestyle. (Use your imagination; or affect a mischievous grin and tell them to use theirs!)

My favorite? “Plays well with others.”

Take a Bite
NASCA International, an association of swing organizations whose mission is to promote swinging as an enjoyable social recreation and lifestyle, uses a logo of an apple with a bite taken out of it to represent “the lifestyle.”

Many other pins and pendants also exist, which might be recognizable to other swingers but just look like a cool piece of jewelry to anyone else.

Some other popular swinger symbols include:

-    A multi-colored chameleon (www.swingersymbol.com)
-    four intersecting male and female symbols
-    a circle with both the male and female symbols (visible on the SwappWatch)
-    Other versions of M, F, M, and F symbol combinations exist, too.

My only fear about wearing a pendant in the shape of an apple? I could be mistaken for a Mac enthusiast!

Give ‘Em Your Number
The most practical way to ask about a couple’s tendency in a crowd might be the text symbol for swinger: 7946437. I wish I had known about this one the other night. The numbers spell out SWINGER.

First you have to get their cell number, of course, but if you’ve already begun pursuing a friendship with the couple or individual—or even just started a promising conversation—that shouldn’t be too hard. If they have no idea what you’re talking about after you send the text, you can always blame the seemingly random numbers on butt-dialing.

Swinger Bracelets
7946437.com offers vinyl swinger bracelets in different colors, which show others not only that you are a swinger, but your preference or level of swinging. (i.e., soft swap only, anything goes, novice swingers still exploring the lifestyle).

Since many people wear these type of different-colored rubber bracelets to promote everything from finding a cure for cancer to showing the gender of your unborn baby, they won’t warrant a second look from the average person. A swinger might just pick up on the numbers and know what you’re looking for.

And if you were wondering, yours truly might be spotted sporting a dark blue and cobalt combination, with a purple thrown in for good measure.

Now it would be neat if someone designed a line of bracelets to show preferences in sex toys and other accessories.

I imagine some readers (myself included!) could wear bracelets up the lengths of both arms:  “Plays with: strap-ons, rabbits, clitoral vibes, wireless remotes, cock rings, handcuffs, nipple clamps, butt plugs…oh, yeah, and others!”

Performing a Double Penetration

Double penetration is all about the rhythm. And lube. Lots of lube.

Some women may cringe at the thought of two cocks at once, but for others, the sensation of being all filled up brings boundless pleasure.

To prepare for a double penetration, you’ll want to find two men (of course.) They should be comfortable with incidental contact. Of course, sharing in any sex act is an intimate and personal experience, but some men aren’t comfortable with any male-to-male contact, even in a group sex situation. These types of guys would not be comfortable with the closeness required for a DP.

Practice, Practice, Practice

You don’t want to go into a DP for the first time without being physically prepared, either. If you’re not already an anal sex veteran, you’ll want to take some time to stretch. No, I don’t mean leg lifts or yoga poses, although flexibility doesn’t hurt!

Practice with a butt plug, starting off with the smallest size available and moving to larger models as each size gets more comfortable.
Here’s a great post on getting prepared for anal sex, including a handy list of Dos and Don’ts. Most importantly, use lots of lube so the plug slides in easily.

Eventually, you’ll want to move on to a realistic dildo, ideally the size and shape of your partner’s. Use this by itself a few times, and then try it during sex. Mix it up and use the dildo in your vagina while your partner penetrates your back door. Don’t forget the lube! Now you’re getting closer to the sensations of a real DP!

If you don’t like it, you can take a step back and “practice” some more with a smaller dildo or butt plug. You might also want to—that’s right—use more lube! Or you can decide it’s not something you ever want to try. That’s okay.

If you decide you like this feeling, though, by now you’re probably getting pretty anxious to try the real deal!

Positions for a DP

When you move onto the real act, don’t forget the first rule of a DP: Lots of lube! There are three basic positions for a DP; everything else is a minor variation of these. Use your imagination but, most importantly, do what is most comfortable.

A conventional woman-on-top, with the woman on her knees facing the first partner, is probably the best, most common position for a DP. It puts her ass in the air, just ripe for penetration. It also allows her to control the speed and angle of vaginal penetration.

You can also try with the woman leaning back, facing away from and on top of her anal partner, while the other partner penetrates from a missionary position.

With a strong partner (or a petite woman), one guy can actually lift the woman off the air, holding her while her legs wrap around his hips and waist. The anal partner can help support the woman while penetrating her from behind. (Note: We haven’t actually tried this, but it could be a fun, albeit challenging, position. Why not give it a try and post here to let us know how it worked?)

A real DP with two guys may hurt a bit more than toys the first time. Go slowly. You can have both partners insert at the same time, where they will meet in the middle and, to some degree, be able to feel each other through the vaginal wall. Or you can rock back and forth, having one enter as the other leaves.

For more information and a step-by-step video guide to DP, check out Nina Hartley’s Guide to Double Penetration.

And, please, leave a comment and share your own experiences with double penetration!

Childbirth and Orgasm, Unlikely Partners?

So here’s a topic I never thought I’d be writing about for Vibrator.com: childbirth. There’s a definite and obvious connection between sex and birth, of course. But for the most part, the former precedes the latter by approximately nine months.

A new documentary titled “Orgasmic Birth,” has been making the rounds of worldwide film festivals, even winning the Audience Choice Award at the 2008 Motherbaby International Film Festival in Bermuda, and it’s got many people looking at childbirth in a whole new light.

The film was produced by Debra Pascali-Bonaro, a childbirth expert, 26-year speaker in childbirth education, and a Lamaze-certified veteran in maternity care, as well as the mother of three sons. She asserts that childbirth does not have to be the painful, horror-filled experience that Hollywood often makes it out to be but instead can be a beautiful, sensual experience… the ultimate expression of love between a man and woman in the midst of creating a family.

The concept of an “orgasmic birth”—and yes, it means exactly what it sounds like it means—recently garnered mainstream attention on a 20/20 segment that aired on ABC. In the segment, one midwife reported that, in an informal, non-scientific survey, 21 percent of the women had orgasms during labor. The segment, shown here, chronicles a water birth in Hawaii, where the birthing mother experiences massage and complete relaxation during the birth. She admits that she never expected to achieve orgasm, but it happened nonetheless.

The hormones released during childbirth, including oxytocin, are the same ones released during sex, and can encourage these feelings of ecstasy under the right circumstances. Those circumstances include a 100-percent natural, drug-free birth in which the mother is relaxed, comfortable and free to allow her body to do what it is designed to do. An orgasmic birth, the ultimate extension of a natural childbirth, would be a “best-case scenario.”

The documentary is not pornographic, but it is intimate and explicit. It chronicles 11 birth stories, including water births, home births, and even mid-wife assisted births in birthing centers and features commentary from renowned childbirth experts including Ina May Gaskin, who is hailed as the mother of modern midwifery.

It’s understandable that someone’s first reaction to this concept might be disbelief or even disgust. As my husband said when I broached the subject, “That seems like two things that just shouldn’t go together.”

However, the event seems to be more sensual than sexual, the result of ultimate relaxation combined with stimulation of the same parts that are involved in the sex act. Both sex and childbirth involve incredible feelings of release after a tremendous build-up of pressure. Both—under ideal circumstances—involve immense love, albeit of a different nature, and the release of feel-good hormones. Both, when done right, involve simultaneous feelings of exhaustion, accomplishment and euphoria at their conclusion, bringing both participants (partners or mother and coach) emotionally closer.

Filmmaker Pascali-Bonaro calls childbirth an integral part of a woman’s sexuality and sensuality. What do you think? Can childbirth, under the right circumstances, be turned into an intimate, ecstasy-inducing act between a woman and her partner?

Swinger Parties

For many people, dating sucks. There are people who love it, excel in it, find it fun, interesting, even easy (or maybe they just like the challenge?) Then there’s the rest of us.

So when you find a partner you want to settle down with for the rest of your life, on top of all the other benefits of a loving relationship, you don’t have to date anymore!

Then, maybe you decide to add swinging into your relationship mix. And—BAM! You’re back to the challenge of finding suitable partners. On the bright side, however, you already have a partner to share in your misery—and if all goes well, eventual pleasure.

In my first post about swinging, I discussed the benefits of hooking up with friends. But what if you don’t have any friends who share your inclinations? There are lots of Web sites where you can meet up with other couples for two-on-two encounters, possibly building life-long friendships as well as finding sexual playmates. But you can forego the “dating scene” by attending parties, instead.

Most house parties are by invitation only, but they are very welcome to newcomers who have been able to score an invitation. Start out by frequenting local swinger forums on the Internet or searching for swinger parties going on at lifestyle clubs in your area. Also check alternative lifestyle newspapers in your area; classifieds sometimes list house parties.

You don’t have to hook up at a club unless you want to; if a party atmosphere is what you seek, network and get to know people. Once you start conversations, ask regulars if they know of house parties going on, maybe even that night! If you’re friendly (without seeming stalker-ish) and seem fun to be around, chances are invitations will start flowing like wine.

Benefits of House Parties

What’s the difference between a house party and a club connection? Think of the difference between a carefully-selected gathering of people in a friend’s home versus spending the night at a club. It’s as simple as that. Less pressure, usually less people, and a more laidback “stay and party all night if you’d like” attitude. If you prefer parties to the club scene—well, you’ll prefer parties to the club scene!

Rules of the Party

Just as you follow rules of etiquette any time you visit someone’s home, certain rules apply at parties.

Arrive on time. You always want to arrive at a gathering on time, but at swinger parties, it’s crucial. It can be awkward to enter when the party is already underway and couples have already hooked up in the throes of passion.

BYOB Many swinger parties that permit drinking are “bring your own bottle,” so inquire ahead of time. Even if you’re not expected to bring your own alcohol, it’s nice to ask the guest if there is anything you can bring, and show up with a small token: a light dish, a bottle of wine, or a small host gift.

Bring… everything else. Don’t forget personal grooming products to clean up afterward, and, of course, condoms. Show up showered, shaved and ready for action.

Leave with the one who brought you. You’re at the party specifically not to “dance” with the one who brought you, so to speak, but be sure to leave with them. It’s considered bad form if half of a swinging couple leaves the partner behind.

This covers the general rules of etiquette. Most importantly, know the rules of the party you’re attending, including what kind of swinging will go on and what activities may be frowned upon.

Make the Most of the Party

Discuss boundaries with your partner beforehand. You don’t want misunderstandings, which can be awkward for everyone involved, while you’re in the act.

Establish signals. During mainstream get-togethers, most couples have a gesture or hand signal that indicates “It’s time to go home.” Establish a signal that tells your partner if you like the couple you’ve approached and want to pursue a connection, or if you’re not into them. You should have a signal for whether or not to approach a couple, one to decide if you like them or not, and one to know how to respond if another couple approaches you. This should not be a topic for negotiating—either both of you like the couple, or it’s a no-go.

If you want to extricate yourself from a situation, simply be polite and say “No, thanks,” or, “We’re not interested.” No explanation is necessary, and these words should be respected. Likewise, if a couple turns you down, don’t take it personally; just as in dating, not every pairing is a perfect match.

Relax and have fun. This is the key to swinging. As in any leisure activity/lifestyle, if it’s not fun, why do it? Be open not only to meeting couples for sex, but to making some great friends.

And if you run into a fellow swinger in the “real world?” Be discrete. It may be okay to smile and wave, but don’t let on where you know each other. If you think a friendly greeting will open you to questions that you’re not prepared to answer, pretend you’ve just met. The other couple will understand.

Too Stressed for Sex?

Change of weather. Colds and flu. Back-to-school. Holiday displays side-by-side with back-to-school sales. Is there anything about fall that isn’t stress-inducing?

Experts agree that sex is a great stress-buster. But getting in the mood with a million things on your mind isn’t easy. Contrary to clichés and popular belief, lack of a sex drive affects both genders when life gets hectic.

Some people, however, turn to sex when things get tough. Are these lucky types naturally conditioned for this healthy response, or have they trained themselves over time to know that sex will make them feel better, so why not just do it?

When two partners handle stress differently—one turning to carnal diversions, the other shutting down—that just adds another stressor to your life. You crave more nooky while your partner crawls further into that emotional hidey-hole (and not the fun one, either!)

So what’s a stressed-out, horny girl or guy to do? Sure, you could turn to Vibrator.com’s huge array of toys, but sometimes you crave emotional intimacy, too. Try these tantalizing seduction tactics to show your partner that the studies are right—sex is a stress-buster.

• Don’t push, just suggest. Every lover should have at least one move that she knows makes her partner melt; it’s time to use it. This soft-core tactic should work if the stress level isn’t too high – particularly if it’s been a while for both of you.

• Start with massage. Non-threatening, relaxing and seductive, if a massage doesn’t end in one of your favorite positions that night, it may just give your partner the stress relief she needs to get in the mood the next day. Or maybe she’ll be so appreciative of the massage, she’ll feel she “owes you one.” Either way, mission(ary) accomplished.

• Play. My husband and I play paintball together, bicycle regularly, and are always on the lookout for other fun athletic activities. Since exercise (much like sex) boosts your mood and alleviates stress – and extreme sports or healthy competition creates an adrenaline rush that helps you forget all your problems – fun vertical activities may lead to horizontal adventures.

• Get away. Who has time or money for a vacation right now? If that’s out of the question, take a weekend trip: no cell phones, no lap top, no Blackberry.  Make sure to pack the lingerie and the water toys, but don’t put pressure on your partner. You’re there to relax. If he’s not feeling better by Saturday afternoon, try some of the tactics above.  A nice hotel or cozy Bed and Breakfast just a few hours away from home is a great place to try these diversions.

Anal Adventures: Going Where No-one’s Gone Before

So you want to try anal sex.  You’ve heard about it, read about it, and maybe even had secret fantasies about it.  As an anal virgin you are curious, maybe a bit fearful, and wondering what it’s all about.  We are taught as children that the anus is a dirty, secret place and many of us carry those taboos with us into adulthood.  But, the anus is a very sensitive area, and, when given the proper attention, can bring one to a whole new level of ecstasy.  For men, the anus is the gateway to the prostate, a very sensitive area that many men may achieve orgasm from when stimulated.   Anal expert, Tristan Taormino notes that the “anus, anal canal, and rectum are wonderfully erogenous zones, rich in nerve endings and super-sensitive to stimulation and penetration. At the right angle, many women find that you can indirectly stimulate the G-spot through anal penetration.”  Many sex experts recommend that you arouse yourself in the regular ways, until you are good and hot before attempting anal play and to continue stimulation throughout.

The most important thing to consider with trying anal sex with a partner for the first time is that the person being penetrated is the one in charge.  Communication is essential with any type of sex play and even more so for anal play.  It is important to go slow, get fully aroused, use plenty of lubricant (and then some), and to listen to your partner’s needs and body language.  Because the anus has a very thin lining it is important to be careful not to tear it and to use condoms for safe sex purposes. Always stop if you experience pain or discomfort.

Solo Anal Play

The best way to try anal sex for the first time is through masturbation.  That way you are really in control and can decide how big, how far and how fast on your own.  Self exploration is important as it allows you to discover what feels best and how your body responds.  You also don’t have the pressure of performing or trying to satisfy your partner’s needs.

Warming Up: The Rosebud of Pleasure

Developed by massage therapist and sex educator Joseph Kramer, this is a good way to begin exploring anal pleasure.  First, begin with massaging your buttocks to get the blood flowing.  Try squeezing your cheeks with your fingers, raking your fingernails over your ass, and even slapping it.  Slowly begin to clench and unclench the asshole.  Next, lube your finger very well and rub the pad of you finger around the anal rim, exploring the sensitive rosebud.  Lube up the crack and slide your hand up and down.  Finally, when you feel ready, you can insert a finger inside the sphincter, gently stretching it and massage the silky skin inside.  It is also recommended to stimulate other areas of your body as you would naturally, to get yourself good and aroused.

Sex Toys for Anal Play

There are a large variety of sex toys available for anal play.  These include butt plugs, anal beads, anal vibrators, prostate stimulators, and anal dildos.  They all have different purposes and will give your body different types of pleasure.  Butt plugs have a narrow head and flared base.  They are generally used for anal training, starting from small and slim, to allow you to get used to having something in your anus.  These are inserted and then stay in place for as long as you want to keep them there.  Tantus makes a whole line of excellent butt plugs called Flirts in various sizes all made of medical grade silicone.  Anal vibrators and dildos are more for stroking penetration, similar to regular penile sex play with a partner.  They can often be used on a harness for lesbian penetrative sex and bend-over-boyfriends.  The Rude-Boy prostate stimulator is a great toy for men who want to try a bit of buzz, while the Vivid Red Hots Briana Vibe is a good choice for women.

Prostate stimulators like the Aneros are used to put pressure against the male prostate and are used in a rocking motion rather than in and out.  The male prostate is an area of immense pleasure and will often lead to intense orgasms when stimulated.  Anal beads, like the Bendybeads by Fun Factory, are one of the most non-threatening ways to begin anal adventures for anal virgins and can be used simultaneously with vaginal penetration or clitoral stimulation.  They are inserted one by one and then gently pulled out.

Any anal toy should have a wide base or a retrieval ring so the toy is easily removed.  When first exploring anal play it is important to start small and work your way up to larger sizes.  The most important “toy” for anal play is lubricant!  This cannot be stressed enough.  If you want to have a healthy, happy experience with anal play use lots of lube.  Good ones to try are Moist Anal Lube and Adam and Eve Anal Lube.

Anal Insertion

Like the vagina the anus can also receive enormous pleasure from the insertion of fingers or toys.  Start small, using a fingertip after you have stimulated the rosebud for a while, making sure to use lots of lubrication.  If your fingertip feels good you may want to insert the entire length of the finger, or even try two.  After a while, your anus will get more used to the feeling of fullness and you can try larger toys like slim butt plugs, anal beads, and anal dildos.

At first, anal play will feel strange and you will most likely want to push what is entering back out.  This is after all a natural reaction.  If you relax into it, however, anal insertion can be a wonderful experience that can intensify sexual play and orgasm.

Many people worry about mess during or after anal play.  Be sure to empty your bowels before anal play.  You can also choose to flush yourself out with an anal douche about an hour before play.  I found it much easier to enjoy anal play in the bath tub with toys designed for underwater fun.  It allows you to focus more on the pleasure and sensation, instead of worrying about messy accidents.  Also, a warm bath will help you relax, which is essential for anal play.

Anal Sex with Partners

Now that you’ve experienced a bit of solo play, it’s time to try out your new found passion with your partner.  Both men and women enjoy the experience of anal sex with a partner, no matter if you are GLBT or straight.  Most important is who is in control.  The partner being penetrated should always be in control of the pace and degree of penetration.  Anal sex is not supposed to hurt and if it does you are perhaps not ready or doing it wrong.  To avoid hurting your partner, make sure that you both communicate with each other.  “Mmmm, that feels good,” “More…”, “Back up a bit,” whatever works for you.  Express yourself.  Make sure you are ready for the experience and not being pressured into it just for your partner.  Try to relax, because a tight sphincter muscle can cause pain.  And use plenty of lube.  Oral anal play, called rimming, is a good way to arouse that area and make your partner relax for penetrative anal sex.  Learning the ins and outs of anal play will make you an expert.  For more expert information on anal play I recommend the DVD: Nina Hartley’s Advanced Guide to Anal Sex – For Men and Women; and the following books: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

Bend Over Boyfriend

Some straight men have some misconceptions about anal sex (getting penetrated) that make them hesitant to try it out with their partner.  The prostrate is a very erogenous zone and the ultimate pleasure zone for men.  Anal sex will not make you gay.  That is a myth and many straight men enjoy anal play once they get over the social taboos.

Make sure your hands are clean or use gloves.  Also, trim your nails first as you don’t want to damage the delicate lining of the anus.  Next, you can saddle-up Cowgirl and move up to a dildo and a harness to give your guy the ride of his life!

Anal Do’s and Don’ts

Anal Do’s

•    Clean yourself and your toys.
•    Use a condom or latex gloves.
•    Trim nails of rough edges.
•    Relax, breath & take it slow.
•    Use lots of lube. I mean lots.
•    Stop if there is pain.
•    Only use toys with a flared base designed for anal play.

Anal Don’ts

•    Insert toys in the anus then the vagina as it may cause infection.
•    Insert sharp or foreign objects or anything too big.
•    Do it if you really don’t want it.
•    Hurry or force it.
•    Pressure your partner into it if they are not ready.

Domina Doll is a sex writer who writes articles and reviews for various magazines, zines and adult toy stores.  Visit her sexuality blog CherryBoxxx at http://cherryboxxx.wordpress.com/.

Confessions of a Suburban Swinger

In my last post, I admitted that I kissed a girl… and I liked it. Well, the truth is, I’ve done much more than that with a woman…and her husband… and my husband, too.

Yet my husband and I eschew the title “swingers.” We don’t attend parties, answer ads on craigslist, or frequent dating sites to hook up with other swingers. On a lark, my husband once typed in an e-mail reply to a hot guy on Craig’s List for me, but by the time my face had blushed from bright pink to red to purple, he deleted it. I can’t imagine hooking up with a complete stranger.

In fact, our “swinging” lifestyle occurred by accident. Six friends, lots of alcohol, some yummy chocolate cordials whose filling tasted even better licked off the breasts of my best friend—and we all stopped short of having sex. Sadly, no sex occurred that night even amongst significant others and we have since dubbed the night, “The orgy where no one got laid.”

But it got four out of the six of us talking. And planning. And we have now strengthened our friendship in wonderful, beautiful, naughty ways.

Many swingers claim the worst thing a couple can do is have sex with friends. It’s like… well… having sex with a friend. It can get complicated. In his book My Boring-Ass Life, Kevin Smith shares this observation about threesomes: “Post-menage relationships are awfully difficult to maintain…. There’s this fall-out involved in crossing that line that makes for awkward conversations in the light of day, once everybody’s clothes are back on… that’s not unlike chatting up your ex, but even more delicate.”

He recommends sticking to threesomes (or foursomes) with total strangers or people you will never see again.

Maybe I’m just lucky, but for us, playing with another couple has turned into a beautiful expression of our friendship. Our friend once observed, “I like playing with you guys—there’s no drama.”

How do you keep a swinging relationship drama free—amongst friends or strangers?

No Drama

Set ground rules. Alcohol can be a great social lubricant (and, in moderation, can help prolong the night’s festivities.) Set ground rules before the first Mojito is mixed, and stick to them. Discuss what’s okay and what’s not. And remember—whatever you, as couples decide, can be okay or can be off-limits. There are no wrong choices.

Ground rules should include discussion of safe sex. Condoms should be mandatory, but if you have all been recently tested for the gamut of STDs and the women are on another form of birth control, you can discuss this, too. Partners in previously monogamous relationships may not be accustomed to condoms, so you’ll want to discuss preferences, hang-ups, and maybe even consider brands designed for greater sensitivity.

If you choose not to drink at all, that’s okay, too. Things may get started a bit more slowly, but everyone will have greater control. Some swingers ban alcohol entirely from their relationships.

If someone crosses the line, stop him or her firmly, but gently. Be understanding. During our first get-together, we decided we weren’t ready for penetration. When hubby got a bit too close, our darling friend simply smiled and said, “Now, now, none of that,” in a friendly, gentle tone. No one was made uncomfortable.

In the heat of the moment, passion can take over. A gentle warning should be all that’s needed. By all means, if the party doesn’t listen, you have a legitimate gripe and may want to put an end to the night and re-consider the entire relationship. Even then, the friendship might be saved with good communication, even though the swinging aspect may disappear.

Don’t compare yourself. I don’t know if guys do this, but it’s inevitable for a woman, faced with another naked woman, to compare—her boobs, her belly, her butt… anything below the neck is fair game. Feel comfortable complimenting your female counterpart, but don’t make yourself uncomfortable because she’s got 34Ds and you’re barely an A. All women are beautiful and one thing I can guarantee is that the men are not comparing.

A little jealousy is normal; enjoy it but don’t harp on it. Your partner may be admiring the physical attributes of your counterpart; this is normal. You may get a pang of jealousy, but this adrenaline rush is part of the thrill of swinging. Don’t let it consume you or ruin the night. Do some ogling of your own. Vive la difference in all body types!

Games can loosen you up. Simple dice or spin-the-wheel games, strip-anything (poker, darts, Wii…) or adult board games that get you talking about your turn-ons are a great way to start the night.

Getting Started

So, is swinging for you? Are you sexually open, not overly jealous or competitive, and looking for a creative way to spice up your love life? Sex with friends—or strangers– might be just the thing.

How do you broach the subject with your attractive neighbors or even lifelong best friends? That’s a tough one. Start with flirting and let it evolve organically.

In most foursomes, two parties are the “communicators.” This may be the men, the women, or a combination. They might be closer friends who share everything on a normal basis, or they could be the two parties who analyze every situation ad infinitum.

Let the natural communicators get the wheels turning and bring the conclusions back to their partners… if you’re close enough friends, and you’ve already been getting vibes about the possibility of a hook-up, no topic should be “too weird” to discuss.

One last point: for a great instructional erotic video on swinging and tips from a woman who knows far more than I do, check out Nina Hartley’s Guide to Swinging DVD.

I Kissed a Girl, Too!

Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It” is more than just a catchy pop tune. It seems to be a trend in society. Are there more bi-curious women out there now, or are we just getting more comfortable and open about our sexuality? Is this the new age of free love, a much more innocent free love? (After all, it’s just kissing!)

A friend once presented to me the theory that all human beings have a little bit of bisexuality in them. You can choose to squelch it or embrace it. Have bi-curious buddies been exploring each other in dark corners for years, just not talking about it? Or is Perry’s song, and the prevalence of casual girl-on-girl hook-ups in the media actually giving women ideas to try something they’d scarcely considered before?

Admittedly, many women who hook up with other women – I’m not talking about lesbians or true bisexuals, but straight women, often in relationships with men – do it for attention from the opposite sex. There’s not much that will get a guy hotter than watching his girlfriend and her best friend hook up, even if it’s just for a lengthy wet kiss.

But c’mon girls, let’s think of ourselves and our own needs, too. There’s definitely an attraction to women. Girls are cute. We’re cuddly, our lips are soft and, as a general rule, we smell better than men. Add flavored lip gloss – or chapstick — to the mix and we taste better, too!

There’s the whole novelty of a completely new and different partner, and the added excitement of doing something still considered taboo. There’s also something to like about a safe, friendly, no-strings-attached hook-up between two otherwise straight women. It’s less complicated when there are no expectations. Clearly, you won’t date. You’re both straight. It doesn’t matter if she calls you in the morning. Or if you ever see her again, even.

If you decide to hook up with a friend, be careful. The same complications exist as two friends of opposite genders hooking up, to a degree. Of course, again, there’s no expectation of a long-term relationship, but it can get weird if you let it. Best to kiss and forget it. Do not over-analyze the situation on the phone the next day, and don’t go into your next get-together with any expectations. If you both enjoyed it, chances are it will happen again. Kissing, and anything else that may follow a sexy kiss, is fun!

All this, of course, does beg the question: how many straight women are doing more than just kissing? And when will we hear that song on the radio?

Introducing Anal Probes and Butt Plugs into Play

There are people who love anal play—and those who haven’t tried it.

Maybe that’s an exaggeration. Some men are too squeamish to even entertain the idea. But for many men, once they’ve released those inhibitions and experienced prostate stimulation for the first time, they find it a fun and intimate addition to their love life.

There are two important rules to remember for safe anal play between monogamous partners.

1). While ass-to-mouth is a personal choice, never, ever (that’s never!) go ass-to-vagina. Not with the cock, not with a finger, and not with a toy that hasn’t been thoroughly cleaned first. It can cause urinary tract infections and other icky and painful ailments.

2). Too much lube is almost enough lube!

Anal play is probably not a topic most men want to discuss outside the bedroom. The best tactic is to make a move in the throes of ecstasy and see how he responds.

These same rules and techniques apply to women and anal stimulation. Although women don’t have a prostate, the anal area contains one of the largest concentrations of nerve endings, making it one of the more sensitive parts of the male or female body.

If you have long nails, place cotton balls in the finger tips of a latex (or in the case of a latex allergy, synthetic rubber) glove. The glove will create a smooth sensation and the cotton will prevent injury due to sharp finger nails. If your nails are already short, make sure they are filed with no rough edges.

Even inserting just a finger, you’ll want to use some lube. You can use your own juices if you’re extremely wet, but a lubricant like Doc Johnson’s Anal Lube will help ensure a good, smooth experience.

Try moving your finger in and out a few times while he gets accustomed to the sensation. You’ll find the prostate a few inches above the anus, on the belly side. Finding it is similar to finding a woman’s g-spot. In fact, it’s sometimes called the “male g-spot.”

Combining prostate stimulation with a blow job or hand job can create unprecedented pleasure. But men can have an amazing orgasm from prostate stimulation alone. Massage the prostate in the same way you would the g-spot, with a rubbing, “come here” motion.

If your guy likes the feeling of your finger up there, you may want to introduce a toy. Anal probes range in size from “starter models,” measuring a slender 1-inch across, to thicker, 2 or 3-inch models with varying-sized bulbs or ribs for increased pleasure.

For beginners, look for a slender butt plug with a thick base; it will be easier to control. Thicker plugs can create a great feeling of being “filled up,” but you’ll want to work your way up to larger models.

This slender jelly toy features a smooth shaft on one side and pleasure bulbs measuring up to an inch on the other, making it a toy that will “grow with you” as you become more adventurous and want the sensation of graduated bulbs.

Anal probes and plugs are usually manufactured from PVC jelly, rubber, silicone or glass. Don’t forget the lube!

You can also try a vibrating probe, such as this waterproof anal vibe from Doc Johnson.

Remember to go slow. It will build up anticipation and minimize pain or the chance of dangerous rips to delicate skin.

Once you and your lover start exploring anal play, you’ll find hundreds of toys, in every price range, available to help.

Silicone Substitutes

Enter Orient Industry Co., a Japanese company that has been producing life-sized, anatomically correct dolls for 30 years. Originally designed for handicapped gentleman who might have trouble finding a partner, they have been reaching an ever-increasing market of lonely older men who are fed up with trying to date the modern, empowered Japanese women.

The dolls, which cost between $850 and $5,500 each, are designed to be beautiful and enticing. They have seductively parted lips, large breasts, long hair, and – on the more expensive models – silicon bodies with 35 movable joints (Do we even have that many? Crazy!). Says Hideo Tsuchiya, the company’s president, “Nowadays, women are sometimes more dominant than men in the real world, and they don’t always pay attention to men.” Apparently the glamorous dolls make the guys who buy them, 60% of whom are over the age of 40, feel like they are the most important human being in the room. I can’t really argue. They’re the only human being in the room (at least in most cases =P).

Says Ta-Bo (a pseudonym), “A human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes, but these girls never do those things. They belong to me 100%.” He added, “Sometimes it takes too much time before I can have sex with the person I meet. But with these dolls, it’s just a matter of a click of the mouse. With one click, they are delivered to you.”

I wonder though, can the sex really be that good? According to the men who buy them, sex with real women is better, but it’s just not worth the effort it takes to date them and get them in bed. That’s a pretty big statement about modern women – especially considering the fact that these guys have to bathe the dolls to keep them clean and ready for the next bout of man-on-doll nooky.

Do you feel for these guys? Think that pursuing modern, independent women is just too much of a pain in the ass? (I’m a lesbian, so believe me – I get it.) Vibrator.com offers a wide variety of sex dolls with different attributes; including the Jesse Jane – Love Doll, the Virtual Girl with Cyberskin Vagina & Anus, the Jana Cova – Love Doll. Need multiples positions ? Try this flexible wonder, the Gina Lynn – Wireless Infinite Sex Positions Love Doll. Now you can find something that fits your taste and takes WAY less effort to get in bed. Not only that, they won’t break your budget like Orient Industry Co.’s $5K models.