What makes sex good?

Now, I’m quite lucky in that I haven’t had much “bad” sex.  Basically, for me, any sex is good sex so long as it’s consensual and safe and all that.  So for me, a lot of it is a chosen mental state, rather than the actual quality of sex.  I suppose though, that there are physical factors of consensual intercourse that would cause it to be good versus bad.  So I suppose, in order for the sex to be good both parties would need to orgasm, yes?  Not really.  I think there needs to be more than that.

First off I think there needs to be fun.  Even if you’re having emotional make-up sex, or passionate been-teasing-each-other-all-day sex, you still need to be enjoying it.  Secondly, I think there needs to be more contact that just genital contact.  (Please keep in mind this is my opinion … )For me, if there’s no kissing or no caressing or things like that, it just removes something very ..intrinsic to a sexual encounter.  I may have the best orgasm ever, but there will still be something missing, something that’s really undefinable, something that’s probably more emotional than physical.  Not sure, body parts will graze each other, but for me it needs to be intentional touching/caressing.

I asked my boyfriend what, to him, does sex need to have in order for it to be “good” and he replied that first and foremost both parties would need to be satisfied to their own individual sexual gratification needs.  And I’d have to agree with him on that one.  As he pointed out, everybody has their own needs in order for sex to be ultimately satisfying for them.  For me, that’s deliberate touching, caressing and kissing.  For a good friend of mine, sex has to involve some sort of bdsm kink.  For my boyfriend it’s ensuring that I’ve had at least one full on, climax.  He’s unable to allow himself to have genuine sexual pleasure until I’ve had genuine sexual satisfaction.

For me I think that one of the most important things that really makes sex good for me is that my partner (my boyfriend now of course) is actually into it.  I know many who have gone to be solely because their partner was horny.  Now of course there is the aspect that a lot of the time I think you should try, at least see if a little foreplay can get you in the mood.  But if you’re not at that point mentally, then sex with a sense of obligation is one of those things that can lead to a whole host of unpleasantness.  But, sometimes you can simply oblige your partner by using a vibrator on them or giving a hand job or blow job.

Lastly I think, as does my boyfriend, that it’s important to always keep in mind that an orgasm or ejaculation does not mean “great” or “good” sex.  My boyfriend and I have had some of the most incredible sex that didn’t end with orgasm, climax or ejaculation.  You can have a huge ejaculation simply during masturbation.  Or even during sleep!  If you get too focused on the end result, you loose what’s happening in the now, and I can guarantee that you loose a lot of pleasure doing that.

In the end, what “good” sex is is not, in any way, universal. It’s all personal!  It’s what you find pleasurable and ensuring that you have that experience during your sexual encounters.  And because we each find different things pleasurable, and each of us finds different things pleasurable that ensures a lot of joy and variety in our sexcapades!

What, to you, is good sex?? Do share!

To laugh or not to laugh…

The last time my boyfriend and I had sex we enjoyed a lot of laughing.  So much laughing i was wondering if we were going to get pat it and actually get busy! It was fun though.  We poked at each other, picked on each other, laughed together and smiled a lot.  It was wonderful.

As much as slow, romantic situations are wonderful and passionate, spur of the moment quickies are incredible, it seems like that’s always what we want and we don’t let whatever happens, happen.  We get so wrapped up with everything having to be “just so.”   The thing is, the only “right” way to have sex is consensually.

One of my favorite things to do is to roll around in bed laughing with my boyfriend.  Whether or not we end up fornicating is not important.  It may take longer to get there, we may have a couple hiccups (last night I had grabbed onto his penis and then he turned away, though I didn’t know he was going to turn and I was laughing so I didn’t notice until it was too late and he goes “oowwwww”) but they create memories and things you can laugh at going forward.

The thing is, pretty sex doesn’t exist.  Sex is messy, usually loud, and involves exchanging bodily fluids.  You sweat, swear, scream, moan, maybe drool, get your make-up messed up, your hair becomes a mess and typically need a shower afterwards.  Not to mention, for women (especially if no condom is used) we get to enjoy having semen in us for a day of two, often dripping down our thighs.  Yea, sex is very messy.

My thought is that we need to worry less about it all and just enjoy what’s happening.  Don’t get caught up in “oh we were supposed to have sex!  Not laughing and making jokes!” or stuff like that.  Just go with the flow and enjoy spending time with your lover.  Believe me, the stress reduction will make all the difference.

How to bring up trying a taboo sex act

Blow? Suck?

Face it.  No matter who you are, no matter your religion, your sexual experience, your moral values, where you live, your shape or size, no matter anything, there comes a time when you want to try something “taboo” with your lover.  Or yourself.

So first, let’s look at what taboo is.  Basically, something is taboo when there’s a strong social “ban” on it.  So, according to society to do activity x, y, or z is bad.  Then that activity is taboo.  Even if it is perfectly legal.  Taboo does not mean illegal or legal.  Just that according to society at large, to do that act is abhorrent or objectionable.

Due to the taboo nature of many sex acts, it can be difficult for someone to bring it up to their lover, even if they’ve been together for years.  Now, each relationship is unique; everybody communicates in their own way just as each relationship has it’s own best system(s) of communication.

However, when you haven’t ever talked about it before, for a lot of people, suddenly saying “Baby, get on your hands and knees I wanna fuck you in the arse” typically isn’t the best idea to go about it.

When it comes to trying new things in bed, many people can be very touchy about the subject.  Often it’s due to their upbringing, but whatever the reason those persons feelings must be taken into account and honored and respected. Doing anything less simply shows that you don’t care about the other persons feelings and is/can be very detrimental to your relationship with them.  By taking their feelings into account you’re showing them that they matter to you, that their opinion is important to you

So, especially when you’re asking them to try something they’re not familiar with, make sure to be prepared to answer questions.  And also be kind about it, don’t, in any way, even begin to insinuate that they’re stupid or naive for asking.  Also, be prepared to offer up examples and educational materials.  These could be instructional/informational videos or books , maybe even a website or two.

Another good idea is if you’re wanting to try a new toy or type of toy it wouldn’t be a bad idea to actually buy a simple version of one so they can see it, feel it and get an idea of what it is before you’re actually in the moment of sex play when you’d want to try it. Get one that’s simple and unassuming, and preferrably a litle bit on the cheaper end so that if they don’t like it or that particular type of sex play doesn’t work for you you’re not out a lot of money.  You can always get a nicer one if it ends up being something you both like and want to try again.

There’s a few other things to remember.  First off, don’t be demanding.  Demanding can be construed as force, and force is horrible, bad and illegal.  Also, it can cause your partner to feel guilty if they’re not interested in which case they may do it anyway, despite not wanting to.  That can really get you into troubles and problems you wouldn’t want.

Also, you have to understand and be okay with the fact that not everyone likes everything.  Be understanding, compassionate and accepting if your partner genuinely tries something new for you and doesn’t like it.  Be willing to gently suggest trying it another way (perhaps with a different toy, a different position or maybe in a different place).  Also allow them time before trying it again if they’re not wanting to jump right back into it.

All in all, trying something new can be difficult for some people, regardless of the reasons for it.  And this needs to be respected and honored.  But at the same time, trying something new can really bring flavor and excitement back into your sex life.  Talk about it, bring it up, hide a book about it in their briefcase or on their pillow, leave a video of it when you’re going out of town or give a new toy as a gift.  However you do it; do it and be empathetic about it.  You won’t regret it.

Sometimes talking is not the answer…

Talking

While talking things out is always a much better idea than just letting the issue fester, sometimes talking isn’t the right way to go about communicating the problem.  However that’s not to say that you shouldn’t communicate, it’s just saying that verbally speaking isn’t always the best way, especially considering how many other communications options we have nowadays.  My boyfriend and I actually rarely verbally speak about things when we’re having issues with something, even if it’s not something central in our relationship (eg – a behavior, something someone said, etc).  We don’t even usually talk about it in an instant message setting.

What we do is e-mail each other.  (Or Facebook message, though typically e-mail.)  The reason we do it this way is because we are still able to communicate what we need to, however we’re able to think it all through, make sure we’re factually correct if we’re citing a specific event and can make sure that we’re not being petulant or something.

Now that’s not to say that we’ve never had actual verbal arguments.  Sure we have, we’re human!  But when we have a choice, we take it to e-mail so that we can be clear and concise.  So we can ensure that we express ourselves thoroughly without name calling, trigger pushing or any other unavoidable negativity throwing.

There’s also another awesome reason to communicate via written word; if you’re suggesting trying something new.  The reason for this is that you’re able to be concise about what you’re saying; if you get jumbled in your words you’re able to take the time to sit back and find the right words.  You’re able to read over what you’re saying to ensure it’s actually what you’re wanting to express.  Also, if you’re wanting to include examples, photos, websites or things of that nature you’re able to insert those things to better help express your point(s).

Personally, things like this, while they may be a difficult subject matter, kind of make me feel good.  It’s nice to know that whomever is sending the email (or letter or card or whatever it may be) thinks enough of me and enough of the subject to put that kind of thought into it.

Truth is, by putting that kind of time and effort into your communication it’s very likely that you will learn something about your feelings and thoughts on the matter as well.  When you’re speaking, no matter how much thought you put into what you’re going to say, there’s always so much emotion in it, as well as spontaneity.  When writing you have that opportunity to think about what you want to say, type/write it, then read it before you send or give it to the recipient.  You’re able to show that the subject matter is important to you, as is communicating your feelings, thoughts and any expectations you have about it.

The long and short of it is that communication is hard.  No bones about it.  Sometimes the need to hash things out just flat out sucks! Communicating is hard work; saying things that may not be the nicest things to say and hearing things of the same nature.  Saying “Honey, you’re being an asshat” sometimes all that’s needed.  However, when you have to go into detail, it’s not easy.

But sometimes it has to be done, and being able to use a method that allows you to read over things and make sure that you’re not the one being the asshat, I think it’s something that should be used.  However; it can be seen as impersonal, so if it’s a method of communication you’ve never used before, I’d makes sure to put something in there as to why you’re doing it.  ”I am saying this in an e-mail because….”

At any rate; communicate!  Whatever you need to do to express what you need to express; do it.  Say it verbally, face to face, over the phone, around a corner.  Write an e-mail or letter, send a card.  When things stay unsaid they can fester and grow into something that’s much larger than it really needs to be.

In my next post I will give you some ideas on how to broach the subject of trying a new sex act that’s a bit more… taboo.

Intimacy

Intimacy is something that I think is sadly lacking in most relationships nowadays.  So often when I’ve been a part of a conversation about intimacy, be it a face-to-face discussion or online, people typically say “Ohh, we have a good sex life!” or “We have a lot of sex!” Well, intimacy is not sex!

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Sex IS intimate!  LOL You’re putting part(s) of one body inside another!  Your juices are mingling together, you’re causing each other indescribable pleasure.  You could possibly be making a baby!! Yea.  That’s intimate.  You’re also trusting one another to not go too far; I’ve heard from many men that it takes a lot of trust to let a woman give them head; the chance of getting bit is very scary for some men.

My boyfriend and I are not intimate in the sense of romance.  Neither of us is romantic, y0u won’t find him buying me flowers (which I’m thankful of; they just die anyway) or sprinkling petals leading me somewhere or anything like that.  And it’s fine with me because it works for us.  We don’t take baths together (though we regularly shower together and wash each other) or whisper lovey dovey stuff to each other.

However, we hold hands when we’re in bed together.  We hold hands while watching tv and almost always touch each other.  We listen to each other and do our best to always honor each other’s quirks, ticks and idiosyncrasies.  I’ve checked the definition of the word “intimacy” on more than one source and the main theme is that intimacy is actually a descriptor of very close relationships.   A relationship in which you are very close with the other person, such as siblings, best friends, parent/child and so forth.

I have intimate, non-sexual relationships with many, mostly female actually.  There’s actually a couple of females that I’m very close with, have very intimate relationships with, and it’s not at all sexual.  Sexuality and intimacy are, for the most part, exclusive.    A trusting, close relationship does not beget sex, and sex does not beget a close, trusting relationship.

More than anything though, I think it saddens me (actually often makes me angry) that so many people see sex a necessity for an intimate relationship.  Relationships with parents and siblings are getting more cold and distant, so many relationships with friends are nothing more than partying and then it’s like, once you get close enough with someone to actually be intimate, it’s suddenly seems to be a requirement that you also be sexual with them.  And the part that is really weird for me is how that assumed sexual requisite is sometimes not even from the people in the relationship!  It’s an assumption from those who  are not a part of the relationship and, for whatever reason, have a difficult time seeing close relationships between people who are not lovers.  It’s unfortunate, really.

For those that do have intimate, non-sexual relationships, they often get teased about it; being called gay, people assuming that you are indeed having sex with the person and not taking no for an answer (which can then lead to even more unpleasantness if someone says they’re lying), and so forth.

More and more, however, we are seeing non-sexual intimate relationships crop up.  From bro-mances to heterosexual lifemates (2 people of the same gender who are living together, have an intimate life-long companionship but are not sexual with one-another) it’s becoming more and more prolific.  H0pefully with how much more common it’s becoming the understanding of it will also become more common.

What are your thoughts on how intimacy and sex are two totally separate things?

Strap-On Condom? YUP. Strap-on condom.

So this…invention… is called the Sensis sheath.  It’s a strap-on condom that, as far as I’ve been able to research, is being marketed for those who are too drunk to be able to put on a standard condom.  I guess it’s easier to pull the straps to slide the condom on, rather than simply putting your fingers around the penis to slide it up.

Now, I have a few thoughts about this.  Not the least is that if you’re so drunk you can’t put a condom on you probably shouldn’t be having sex anyway.  If you frequently have sex with people when you’re drunk perhaps you need to look at your drinking habits and/or your behavior while drinking.

At the same time, if you are aware of this behavior and are taking measures to be protected, then that’s good!  I wish more people would be prepared like that.  Reduce unplanned pregnancies, reduce the spread of some venereal diseases and so forth.

This is one of those things that, in my opinion, is both “too much” and a good thing.  I mean, the idea that someone is so drunk they need a strap on condom just proves that they shouldn’t be having sex.  However, if they’re that determined to have sex at least there’s something out there to help them be protected during it.

What are your thoughts about the strap on condom??

EDIT –

After some thought and discussion with other’s it’s come to my thought (and others as the comment shows) is that this could really help persons with disabilities.  If you have dexterity issues, or other issues using your fingers or hands, then this little invention is something that could really help you use condoms, which is a very important thing.

So in this sense, major kudos to the inventor of this product.  I sincerely hope it gets marketing so that those who need it can use it.

Just Talk About It

So a couple nights ago my boyfriend and I were talking.  I honestly can’t remember how the subject came up, but we ended up telling stories from our past, which I love; even if it involves discussion about exes, sex with other people, and so forth.  You can learn so much about yourself and each other talking about these things!

This discussion ended up with us talking about this couple from my boyfriend’s past who seem to be serial cheaters on each other.  This then lead to the discussion of people who cheat because they’re not sexually satisfied at home.

Now, I can totally, totally understand being worried about what your partner would think of a weird sex desire you have, or a fetish or something like that.  Been there, done that, ya know?  The trick is though, 100% honesty mixed with mature discussions.

My boyfriend and I have had many such discussions.  We have come to an agreement that should one of us have a need for something, that is a true need, but also that the other one of us can’t meet, due to things like not having the right body parts or something like that, that there may be a chance of seeking fulfillment outside of our relationship, so long as both partners approve of the other party.  And of course so long as it’s safe, clean and only for that one specific need.

Now, that arrangement may not work for everybody.  I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me it did.  However there are many other ways things like this can be overcome.  Perhaps the need is really a want, perhaps it’s something the other partner would like too but just hasn’t tried it yet and any other number of scenarios.

The key really is to talk about it, though; through whatever means necessary.  Maybe simply talking about it; maybe buying a book or movie and giving it as a gift, write a letter or e-mail, surprise your partner, there are so many ways to communicate your needs and wants!  By not doing so you’re doing a disservice to yourself, your partner and your relationship.  Not only that but you’re missing out on a hell of a lot of fun, pleasure and sex!!

Photo By: scoobsmx6

Online Dating: When the Small Town Dating Pool Dries Up

In a small town, if you haven’t met someone locally by the age of 25 or 30, then there is a serious chance you aren’t going to meet them.  If you’re like me, you simply haven’t met anyone that you can see yourself getting serious with, and you don’t want to settle. You’ve also likely met a few people who would give anything for you to settle and date them.

Another thing that small town singles do is fill out online dating profiles. Online dating is an undertaking that requires you to “own it”, and take control of it from the beginning or it can be a miserable disaster. These are all of my tips for online dating, especially in small towns. Most of them were learned the hard way.

There are definitely a few bumps in the initial process. First, you’re going to have to put on your big girl panties and hurt some feelings. Those guys who want you to settle for them? They’re online too, and they think that because you’ve now signed up for this site, you must be desperate. The first week or two involves crushing those poor individuals all over again. Once you get through that, there will be plenty of people who are desperate and will send you message after message even if you don’t have anything in common. Most sites have developed nifty little blocking applications. Don’t be afraid to use them! These people don’t know you and you don’t know them. You can’t be overly worried about
hurting their feelings.

Don’t be shy. If you see a profile you like, send a message. If they don’t answer, there’s no harm done. If they answer and it wasn’t what you expected, just be honest. Either they will gracefully accept what you say and appreciate your honesty, or they will make an ass of themselves and confirm your initial thoughts. Just because you talk to someone on the site doesn’t mean you have to give them your phone number or personal e-mail. In fact, I don’t necessarily recommend it until after a first date. That way if it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to deal with drunk texting or that sort of thing later on. Avoid people who put off meeting in person. There are a lot of people who join online dating sites just to find people to talk to online. If you’ve been e-mailing for a week with some degree of enjoyment, it’s time to think about a real life date. People do occasionally have legitimate real life situations that will cause them to reschedule, but if a week or so and two or three missed dates later you still haven’t met, it’s probably time to pull that plug.

And finally, be open to dating several people before finding someone you want to be in a relationship with. It can take a while to find someone you are actually compatible with. These are just suggestions. Some people would much rather give their number immediately and not bother with messaging on- site. But I like my privacy. There are also plenty of people who like having several guys around just for conversation. I’ve got friends though, and I don’t need to be juggling them with guys that I’ve never met (and probably will never meet). It can be a frustrating endeavor, but you’ll always have a healthy list of funny stories!

Side Note: This is my experience with free dating sites. I will admit that it can be less complicated on sites where you pay a subscription, but on those sites potential dates tend to be looking for long-term relationships that lead to marriage and at the time I wasn’t looking for that just yet, so I went to more popular free sites.

D. Scandal: I’m just a single girl in a small town looking to keep life interesting.  I’m full of contradictions and that’s part of what makes me who I am. You can read all about my exploits and secrets at my blog Scandal in the Choir Loft.

Extra-Small Condoms Marketed at Teens in Europe

A Switzerland-based condom manufacturer (Lamprecht AG) recently started marketing extra-small condoms, under the name “Hotshot” for boys age 12 to 14, who often have problems with regular size condoms being too large.

A survey of 13 to 20-year-old males revealed that 25% said a standard size condom was too large– which probably means it’s too large for about half of those surveyed. (And I’m honestly surprised the numbers were that high!)

The condoms have been for sale in Switzerland and are expected to be distributed in the U.K. as well; the United Kingdom has the highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe, in spite of various sex education efforts. Switzerland, on the other hand, was cited as having low teen pregnancy and abortion rates.

It’s unlikely the condoms will ever be for sale in the U.S., as having sex under the age of consent in the United States is a crime.

“Glorifying” Teen Sex?
One complaint mom-bloggers had was not so much the manufacture of the condoms, but the marketing efforts. It’s one thing to provide a product that can help prevent teen and pre-teen pregnancy and perhaps offer the condoms free in schools or at Planned Parenthood. It’s another to glorify adolescent sex by calling the condoms “Hotshot” brand and actually marketing it to the under-14 set.

I see their point about the marketing tactics, but if it helps the pre-teen and teenage boys feel more comfortable buying the condoms of a smaller size, then I can’t argue with it. I presume the ads aren’t  telling the boys to buy Hotshot condoms and go out and have sex.

Instead, it’s providing them with an option for safe sex that lets them feel good about themselves. Even if the girl buys the condoms and asks her partner to wear them, he’ll probably do it. If the condoms had a name that sounded demeaning, comical, boring, or even medical, the intended customers wouldn’t use them — and condoms still in a box on store shelves don’t help anyone fight STDs or prevent pregnancy.

Too Young for Sex, But Having it Anyway…
It’s true that at 12 and 13, some readers of this blog were still playing with Barbie dolls and Hot Wheels — and, as adults, that’s what we’d like to think of as the primary past times for pre-teens. (Or maybe Xbox and Wii, today.) But many others were just beginning to explore our sexuality, and some had even had sex for the first time. Guess what? Not much has changed in that regard. Some kids are still having sex before they’re ready, while others are not.

I’d like to believe it has to do with upbringing, but I think it has more to do with biology and opportunity … and more the first than the latter. Kids who are curious about sex and experiencing sexual feelings and interest in their early teens will find a way.

Some moms at BabyCenter commented that they were never left alone with a boy at such a young age. I wonder how practical that really is, while still conveying that you trust your child and permitting them some level of freedom? Unless you’re with your child 24/7, there’s no way you can say they are “never” alone with a member of the opposite sex.  And what about gay and bisexual teens, who are at an age where most are not out to their parents?  Where do you draw the line on parental supervision?

Some  mom-bloggers and readers who posted comments said, “If the condoms don’t fit, you’re too young for sex.” While this sounds very clever, it’s somewhat idealistic. If we are to help prevent STDs and pregnancy, we do need to provide sex education to pre-teens before they begin experimenting on their own, and they do need to have access to condoms that fit.

Five Tips to Find Your Perfect Mate

Personal ads have been around approximately since the first newspapers were published. One can imagine the ads that may have run in Ben Franklin’s Pennsylvania Gazette: SPM (Single Protestant Male) seeks SPF with generous dowry to share in barn raisings and candlelight dinners…

Today, of course, competition in the dating realm is fierce and, to land the lover of your dreams, you have to make your ad stand out. Of course, with millions of potential mates posting on sites such sites as Craigslist, Match.com, PlentyOfFish, e-Harmony and others, it’s mostly a numbers game and the odds are in favor of those who play.

The click of your mouse will put you in touch with men and women seeking a one-night hook-up, long-term relationship, or even a swinging arrangement. Follow these tips, courtesy of Vibrator.com, to make the most of your post.

–Be yourself—but better!

Dwayne Manley, one half of a swinger couple who has used personals to find playmates, says, “We just try to come across as fun, interesting and intelligent—just being ourselves. I think about the type of couple I’d like to hook up with, and present myself and my partner as those types of people.”

–Be clear about what you want.

Looking for a one-night stand? Potential life partner? Someone to tie you up, cover you in chocolate sauce and slowly lick it off? Whatever you want, the limitless boundaries of the Web will help you find it, so don’t hold back. The only way you can go wrong is by lying about your true desires or misleading a potential mate into thinking you’re in the market for more—or less—than you revealed in your ad.

–Share a pic.

Statistics say ads with a photo get an 80 percent better response, so brush your hair and pick out your favorite clothes to show off your attributes in the most attractive light. Did you know you can “slim down” for the camera by standing at a slight angle—don’t face the camera directly–and bending one leg ever-so-slightly? Experiment with different angles, poses and lighting to achieve the most flattering pic. And don’t forget to smile!

–Proofread

This is a pet peeve of mine. I’m inclined to skip over any ad with poor spelling or blatantly incorrect grammar. You don’t have to create 21st century Shakespeare, but use spellcheck to avoid obvious mistakes. Also try to avoid clichés such as long walks on the beach, or any line that reminds you of the words to The Pina Colada Song! Be original and let your personality (you, but better!) shine through in your prose. If writing isn’t your strong suit, you may want to ask a friend with a way with words to read it over for you or help you compose the ad.

–Be honest.

If you follow the previous tips, you’ll find they all promote honesty, but it bears repeating. Obviously, if you plan to meet people through your ad, you won’t do anything as dumb as posting a fake picture, but beware of more subtle dishonesty, too. For instance, don’t commit lies of omission.

A friend of mine answered a personal ad years ago looking for a long-term relationship and thought she found a potential partner—until she discovered he had a young daughter he “forgot” to mention. Since my friend had filled out “no kids” on her profile, this lie was a deal breaker for her. But even if she’d been willing to compromise on the kids, the fact that he lied was enough for her to say goodbye.

Everyone Pays for Sex: What Nerve!

Everyone’s favorite online personals site, New York based Nerve wrote a piece on their blog lately entitled Everyone Pays for Sex. Kate Carraway (I searched for her profile on Nerve and I couldn’t find it) followed the spending habits of 9 people for four weeks where their dollars related to sexual pursuit and, ultimately, gratification. One could argue that every dollar spent will eventually lead to getting laid, because, really, isn’t that why we’re here? But Carraway asks us to put on the blinders for this 5 page article and become the sort of voyeuristic web user who frequent Nerve personals. We’re posed with the following questions:

Is being single really more expensive than being in a relationship? Are people who make $20,000 spending as much as those who make over a hundred grand?

As far as I understood from this article, only two participants were in actual relationships. One of the subjects was actually a couple who pooled incomes (skewed data?), while the other was a mom of two who has been married for the last decade. Will mom spend less on finding sex than a 29 year old straight single TV editor? Well, gee, I don’t know! I’m no scientist (despite what I may have claimed in previous posts), but shouldn’t we be presented with a formal hypothesis, have a control group, and then be handed a conclusion wrapped in a neat little bow?

Read the article, if you’re really really bored. If you’ve got shit to do then you’re likely to be as pissed off as I was by this anti-climactic waste of everybody’s time.

(Sorry Kate Carraway. You’ve certainly got journalistic integrity for allowing this to be published without manipulating the heck out of this data!)

80% Girl, 20% Boy: Intersex Awareness

A statistic that really surprised me the other day is that 1 in 2000 babies born have “indistinguisable genitalia” at birth.   XXY and XYY children are born daily, and the majority of these children have their post-operative gender decided by their parents long before their bodies suggest which sex they more closely identify with.  The UK has recently recommended to doctors and families not to perform gender assignment surgeries on children, yet legally it is still a parent’s decision to do so.  In other cultures, it is still a decision of the state.

Recent history of the past few hundred years had either ignored, alienated, or persecuted intersex people – based generally on a lack of understanding.  But lest we forget our ancient history, when our differences were reverred.  The Greek God, Hermaphroditus, was the god of hermaphrodites and of effeminate men. Hermaphroditos was a son of Hermes and Aphrodite, the gods of male and female sexuality.

Some say he was once a handsome youth who attracted the love of a Naiad nymph named Salmakis. She prayed to to be united with him forever and a god, in answer to her prayer, merged their two forms into one. At the same time her spring acquired the property of making men who bathed in its waters soft and effeminate.

Both modern Christianity and Islam have references to hermaphroditic angels, as well.  However, devout and orthodox members of these religions would have you believe that God will only recognize marriage as between a man and a woman – when gender is clearly not that black and white.  In the US alone (from the statistics above) 175,000 people would identify as intersex.  It’s high time we appreciate each other for our differences and stop using ignorance, confusion, and religion as pulpits for hate.

The video above is from Current.com and documents Adele’s 30 year journey to the crossroads of courage and realization.  I hope you enjoy it.

Secret Identities

Superheroes have them. So do spies. But did you ever think that your cubicle mate may not be exactly who he claims to be?

In this era of MySpace, Facebook, and all manner of social networking sites, it seems everyone is “LinkedIn,” “Plurking” or “Tweeting” their life away on Twitter. (None of these activities is as much fun as the names make them sound—really!)

It’s kind of cool that we can follow the activities of people around the world with just a click of a mouse, but how much information is TMI (TOO MUCH information?) Some social networking blogs have recently talked about “transparency” – in other words, full disclosure on your blog or other social networking site. But for some people, that’s a difficult choice. Possibly even the wrong choice.

For instance, a colleague of mine who writes erotic fan fiction (she didn’t get into details, but the words “gay elf sex” came up in conversation) works in a school district. There could be big problems if anyone in her real life discovered her literary leanings.

That’s where an uber-cool “secret identity” comes in (cape is optional). Sure, anyone who is determined enough can trace an IP address and find out who you really are, but, for the most part, a handily-crafted pseudonym will permit you to contribute to sex blogs, write erotic fan fiction, haunt chat rooms, and flirt (and more), anonymously. We won’t go into the moral ramifications of the latter. We are not here to judge.

So when you’re ready to become your alter-ego, how do you choose your name? There are tons of “porn star name” generators on the Web but most of these yield silly results. Do you really want to be known as Tara Asstronaut or Sergeant Slamm?

There’s also the old trick of “Name of your First Pet, Name of the Street Where You Lived Growing Up.” For me, this yields the very sexy, yet somewhat masculine, “Frisky Swallow.” So I tend to go with my second pet’s name, for the sexily suggestive “Tabitha Swallow.”

However, after a brief stint writing under this name, out of curiosity I did a numerology report and realized the name is too far removed from my own personality to yield success. So I randomly picked Desiree Sweet and ran that name, too, through a numerology report. Often the center of attention, Desiree Sweet is creative, fun and gets the job done. Now, that’s the type of person whose blog you want to read, isn’t it?

For writers, pseudonyms are an accepted part of life. Where most people tend to get in trouble, however, are those pesky pics (and the Web vids). Everyone’s got a camera now. And a Facebook or Flicka account. So what to do?

You can try banning cameras at many get-togethers, but not everyone adheres to the policy. In lieu of this, keep a close eye on the photo albums of friends and acquaintances (especially those who may have friends – real or online – who overlap yours). Don’t hesitate to ask them to remove a photo, even if it doesn’t have your name tied to it, if you find it embarrassing, incriminating, or just something you’d feel weird about your grandmother seeing.

As for your own account, again, a pseudonym is a good start, but if you’re a school teacher, public official or, well, anyone with a job, you may want to think twice before posting that photo of you in a Fruit Loop bikini during that wild summer on Fire Island.

Everyday Turn-ons

There’s a cartoon with the caption “Porn for Women.” The picture shows a sexy man, shirtless—vacuuming!

Sure, clean dishes sparkling in the dish rack next to a shiny stainless steel sink get me a little hot and heavy, but there are many everyday situations where both men and women find themselves incredibly attracted to their mates. Not all have to do with household chores, either.

In my other life, where I don’t blog about sex toys, I play paintball. It’s amazing how many men think this is sexy (and they think it about many other female players too.) Sure. We’re running around, our faces entirely covered by our safety masks, oversized jerseys protecting us from the pain of paintball hits. We traipse around the woods lugging big military-looking paintball markers—and guys think this is the biggest turn-on in the world. It’s gotta be a power thing. Or maybe it’s the “guns.”

I guess female athletes, in general, are sexy. Look at the Beijing Olympics: Ana Ivanovic (Serbia, Tennis) Logan Tom (United States, Volleyball) and Sue Bird (U.S., Basketball), just to name a few.

Of course, what’s not to love about the entire women’s volleyball competition, or tennis players with the short little skirts and scores like 30-Love? (And Ashley Harkleroad with her Playboy spread). But hotties like Britta Heidemann (Germany, Fencing) and Victoria Pendleton (Britain, Cycling) also made Maxim’s list of the World’s Hottest Olympians.

For other men, it’s not the process of getting down and dirty on the playing field that turns them on, but watching their dolls get all dolled up. Rod Rampage says his biggest turn-on is “watching you guys pretty yourselves up to go out.” He adds that he could watch a woman play with her hair for hours.

For some women, the sound of a man’s voice, especially when he’s singing, turns them on. Deep baritones and strong voices with resonance, not surprisingly, are preferred, but for many women, it’s just a personal thing. If they like the voice, the guy can turn them on with a mere word.

Stage presence is also a big thing when you’re talking about musicians and performers. And guys (and girls) with guitars? Totally hot.

College student Vikki Bethel names “cooking” and “deep thoughts” as two of her biggest turn-ons, but says, “A guy taking off at like 3 am to go on a hike around campus and leaving the path and blazing around and being very passionate and excited can be hot. Guys are hot.”

Teen Pregnancy on the Rise: Blip or Trend?

Teen pregnancy rates, nationwide, have dropped between 1990 and 2004, according to a report recently released by the CDC (U.S. Centers for Disease Control). Abortions also dropped by 24 percent during this time period, perhaps indicating that comprehensive sex education has had the desired effect on teen sexual activity and behaviors.

Unfortunately, the optimistic 2004 stats were offset by a preliminary CDC report on 2006 births, which showed an increase in the number of teen pregnancies for the first-time in 14 years. And in one Massachusetts school, the news is even more depressing.

In the past year, the teen pregnancy rate at Gloucester High School has more than quadrupled, with 17 young women pregnant. What’s more, many of the girls view this as a good thing. It is part of a “pregnancy pact,” in which many girls, all under 16, pledged to get pregnant and raise their children together.

The breaking-news article published in Time reported that several students requested multiple pregnancy tests this spring and, according to the school principle, “Some girls seemed more upset when they weren’t pregnant than when they were.”

When school officials and the high school clinic’s medical director advocated dispensing oral contraceptives without parental consent, however, they faced opposition from many people in the predominantly-Catholic community.

The big question: How will birth control pills help stop pregnancy if teenage girls are actually trying to get pregnant? Maybe “comprehensive sex ed curriculum” should be expanded to include spending 24 hours a day, every day for a week or more, with a colicky infant.

On a serious note, if teen pregnancy is, in fact, on the rise, and the 2006 numbers were not just an odd peak in an otherwise downward trend, what’s the real solution?

Does Penis Size Matter?

Does size really matter?

I don’t know about you, but to me, what a guy does with what he has is far more important than how well endowed he is. Of course there are always the extremes such as being too small or too big to even get inside the action, but beyond that, size means nothing to me.

In fact, I appreciate the kind of man who doesn’t think that his sexual prowess is directly linked to a statistical measurement of girth or length. You know the type: in the heat of passion, he whips out a tape measure to “prove” that it really is as long as he’s been telling you.

Like you care! After all, his magnificent magnitude then shriveled right before your eyes, along with every last bit of your sexual excitement. The moment is ruined, the turn-on is gone, and for what purpose? To boost his ego… nothing more, nothing less.

Besides, any man who thinks that he can truly satisfy a woman with just the length of his penis has another thing coming. I want a man who knows how to use the core of his being and every breath he takes to satisfy me. After all, sex isn’t superficial or just a purely physical experience, especially for a woman!

Sexual experiences are about personality and character, creativity and vulnerability, taking chances and expanding boundaries. Besides, in today’s world, there are a plethora of nifty toys to expand on what a guy has and add to his arsenal of love. He can enlarge in girth and/or magnitude, sustain longer, add vibration and rotation with or without knobby beads to heighten your intensity and his, or just about anything else you can imagine!

But at its core, sex is about who a man is on the inside, not what he has tucked away inside his pants. In the end, the old adage really is true: it’s not how big he is but what he does with what he has that really matters.

Exhibitionists on Xtube

Have you ever wasted hours of your life on Myspace or Facebook and wanted those hours back? Well then I might recommend NOT visiting web 2.0 sex networking sites like Xtube.com or Pornotube.com (see a previous blog post for the full list). Sites like these have the propensity to suck away thousands of minutes of the lives of young voyeurs like myself. The sheer selection of what one can search for and successfully find is astounding and almost a hindrance at an otherwise productive evening. The work of a voyeur is never done when sitting at the virtual telescope into countless bedroom windows.

Xtube has taught me some new sexual terms and interests that I was unaware of previously. “Whipped cream pie” is one of them. (I am actually still not sure what it means.) My conversational Spanish and French has greatly improved, as well. Still, I am not convinced that, as a voyeur, I’m making good use of my time on Xtube. Exhibitionists have a better deal.

You like it gay or straight? Sure, whatever. Interested in seeing a girl who has tattoos that encircle both of her breasts suck off two guys at once? Yeah, I’m into that, I guess. Have you seen “lingerieboy’s” most recent jerk off video? Like, who hasn’t?! Only a small percentage of videos on Xtube are of commercial porn, leaving the rest to be produced by horny guys and girls on private cams. This is the obvious choice for the countless exhibitionists of the world, but how can a voyeur like me find the time to spy in on everyone?! It’s just not possible.

So where does this leave me? Searching for keywords (like “whipped cream pie”, of course) and quietly subscribing my photo-less profile to receive notifications when my favorite “stars” update their arsenal of homemade treats for my viewing pleasure. Would it be easier and less time-consuming to buy a cam and become an exhibitionist myself? Maybe. But where’s the fun in that?

For this Woman, Shopping *IS* Foreplay

One of my favorite forms of foreplay doesn’t involve candlelight dinners, roses, or even porn DVDs. My husband and I like browsing through adult stores. We rarely buy anything in brick-and-mortar stores; we save our shopping for online. But we love pointing out our favorite DVDs, looking at the lingerie, and giggling at some of the sillier sex toys. It helps that we’re both people-watchers, and you certainly encounter characters at the adult store. After a few rounds through the rows of vibrators, though, we’re focused only on each other, thinking of the toys we’ll pull out of our own collection that night. By the time we get in the car, we can barely make it home before ripping off each other’s clothes.

Sometimes we pick out some lingerie, maybe a sexy little teddy or a pretty bra and g-string set. In my opinion (and hubby’s!) there’s nothing hotter than a lady in lingerie. Think you can’t wear something black and slinky? Nonsense! It’s all about the attitude. A confident woman will look great in anything. If you’re feeling self-conscious, soft lights in the bedroom don’t hurt.

For years, I had a hang-up about wearing white lingerie. You know, that old myth about black being slimming and white, well, showing flaws? But every time we picked out a new outfit, hubby preferred white. I started to like it simply because he liked it so much. And I started to feel good in it. On our honeymoon, I packed five different white outfits and wore a new one each night.

It’s been a while since we’ve toured the adult shops in our area. I wonder if there’s anything new. It doesn’t matter what merchandise we spot—the most important thing we’ll find on the excursion is our sense of playfulness and revved up imaginations!

Then again, we can do the same thing from home, browsing Vibrator.com, and I won’t have to worry about the legal ramifications if we get pulled over while I’m giving him a blow job in the car.

Spring as an Aphrodisiac

Despite our iPods, skyscrapers, and 9-5 jobs, human beings are still part of the animal kingdom. We are susceptible to changes in the weather, the waxing and waning of the moon, and all that garbage just like our four-legged friends. One would therefore expect that when one animal species awakens from hibernation and commences the breeding process, we all do. The female of the species engages in “spring cleaning”, ridding the cave or nest of winter’s store of goods, and the male “sows his seed” as much as possible to ensure his genetic survival for future generations. Yes, yes, I know that such a simple three sentences do not account for the less-than-traditional relationships of modern society (or female sexuality other than cleaning!). But we’re animals nonetheless.

So what is it about Spring as a season that gets us in the mood? Maybe it’s the budding trees, the flowering plants, the April showers, and the breath of new life cleansing away the cold and dead winter. Actually, all of that tends to cause severe allergic reactions in me, for which I take copious amounts of antihistamines. And hospitals administer antihistamines for priapism (look it up), so in that respect spring doesn’t exactly jive with being an aphrodisiac.

The Vernal equinox marks the finality of longer, darker nights, bringing us more sunshine and longer days as we approach summer. Why this is a sexy thing, I’m not sure, as most people prefer the lights off when doing “the deed”. Fewer births occur in the Spring than in any other season, while Summer takes the lead in babies born. Simple math and countless research would have us believe that more sex is had in the Winter than in any other season. (Anything to save money on your heating bill…) Additional research shows that sperm count peaks in the colder months and slowly declines as Summer approaches. Not being a research scientist myself, I won’t make any hard conclusions, but the case for Spring as an aphrodisiac so far isn’t looking good!

One time honored tradition that represents youth and virility is, of course, Spring Break. Thousands of college students from around the globe flock to warmer climates for one week during March with the promise of getting laid. This year’s big destination was Key West, Florida – the gayest beach community in America! Sexually frustrated co-eds consume larger-than-normal amounts of alcohol, decreasing inhibition while at the same time inhibiting…um…performance for many over-eager frat dudes. For those sunburned, body-conscious young adults – “Spring has [not] sprung”!

While I generally don’t make a point of arguing with Mother Nature, something has gone awry in the human relationship with Spring. Perhaps our animal brethren don’t have as many societal stresses and imposed expectations, where one day can easily feel like the previous despite the season. If this is indeed the case and it doesn’t matter, then I’d like to propose that Summer be the “New Spring”. It’s hot and sweaty, sperm count is lower (nature’s birth control!) and you don’t have to travel as south as Key West to find fuckable college students.

Client 9 For Governor

When news broke yesterday of New York’s Governor alleged involvement with Emperors Club prostitutes, I couldn’t help but laugh at the perfect irony of it all. Those who know about Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s (otherwise known as “Client 9″) crusade against prostitution in New York state while still working as attorney general are either confused and shocked by the news, or rightfully pissed off at another supposed white knight politician who ended up guilty of the same sins he campaigned against.

In 2004, Spitzer indicted 18 people associated with elite escort services in New York City for “promoting prostitution” and related charges. That same year, he prosecuted individuals promoting prostitution in Asia, also known as “sex tourism”. As governor, Mr. Spitzer passed legislation for stricter penalties for “sex tourism” operators and “sex traffickers” who bring foreigners into the U.S. and force them into prostitution. That is all well and good, but while legislating and enforcing the laws, it seems Mr. Spitzer forgot that he, himself, was also required to adhere to them.

Gov. Spitzer can now hang out with the likes of Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, and Larry King (not the talk-show host); and not necessarily for the heinousness of the crimes committed, but for their hypocrisy and sheer disrespect for the law. Foley was one of the House of Representatives’ top opponents of child pornography and introduced legislation to change federal sex offender laws. He resigned in 2006 over the now infamous “congressional page sex scandal”, turning out to be quite the offender himself. Larry Craig was an outspoken opponent of same sex marriage, even while lying to Matt Lauer’s face on The Today Show about soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. The formerly respected Evangelical pastor, Ted Haggard, preached that ‘God hated fags and their disgusting lifestyle’ (to paraphrase), but was outed purchasing meth from a gay prostitute. Possibly the most gruesome and under-publicized sex scandal in the history of this country, however, belongs to Larry King – an up and coming member of the Republican party and Evangelical Christian church in Nebraska during the 80′s. King was alleged to be involved in a child prostitution ring that extended all the way to the The White House, but was acquitted and instead convicted and imprisoned on charges of cooking-the-books in a credit union criminal case.
(Watch Conspiracy of Silence – a previously un-aired Discovery Channel documentary about Larry King and Republican party VIP involvement in child prostitution.)

Eliot Spitzer joins a long line of dickhead politicians and public figures who have campaigned against the sins of infidelity, prostitution, and homosexuality to ultimately hide their own sweaty guilt. An overly simplified comparison would be the high school jock who called me a “fag” and who I ended up fucking the hell out of senior year.