To laugh or not to laugh…

The last time my boyfriend and I had sex we enjoyed a lot of laughing.  So much laughing i was wondering if we were going to get pat it and actually get busy! It was fun though.  We poked at each other, picked on each other, laughed together and smiled a lot.  It was wonderful.

As much as slow, romantic situations are wonderful and passionate, spur of the moment quickies are incredible, it seems like that’s always what we want and we don’t let whatever happens, happen.  We get so wrapped up with everything having to be “just so.”   The thing is, the only “right” way to have sex is consensually.

One of my favorite things to do is to roll around in bed laughing with my boyfriend.  Whether or not we end up fornicating is not important.  It may take longer to get there, we may have a couple hiccups (last night I had grabbed onto his penis and then he turned away, though I didn’t know he was going to turn and I was laughing so I didn’t notice until it was too late and he goes “oowwwww”) but they create memories and things you can laugh at going forward.

The thing is, pretty sex doesn’t exist.  Sex is messy, usually loud, and involves exchanging bodily fluids.  You sweat, swear, scream, moan, maybe drool, get your make-up messed up, your hair becomes a mess and typically need a shower afterwards.  Not to mention, for women (especially if no condom is used) we get to enjoy having semen in us for a day of two, often dripping down our thighs.  Yea, sex is very messy.

My thought is that we need to worry less about it all and just enjoy what’s happening.  Don’t get caught up in “oh we were supposed to have sex!  Not laughing and making jokes!” or stuff like that.  Just go with the flow and enjoy spending time with your lover.  Believe me, the stress reduction will make all the difference.

The Benefits of Not Sleeping Together

For the first time in over 2 weeks my boyfriend and I slept in the same bed again.  Heh, if only the reason for us sleeping in different beds was exciting!  Truthfully it was ‘cuz he messed up his back and needed to sleep on something else, something with a different firmness.  It was really nice, sleeping with him again.  He’d been out of our bed for… gosh… probably 3 weeks.

When he laid down in bed with me it was almost like the first time we slept together; it was new and exciting.  I remember we turned and faced each other and joked around.  We giggled, poked and tickled each other, laughed, talked and ended up holding hands with our legs and arms intertwined.  It was wonderful.

It was so nice because it was like doing that was new again.  Sharing a bed with someone is really quite intimate, and like everything else, once it’s something that happens every single day and you get into a routine it becomes normal, less special.

At first, while I totally understood why he needed to switch his sleeping places I was still a little irritated.  No matter how much you know something there’s almost always that little voice in the back of your mind whispering negative things, eating away at your self confidence and what you know.  After a couple days I got used to it and truthfully I kind of enjoyed having the whole bed to myself.  There was even a small part of me a little disappointed that I would be relegated back to just my side of the bed.  However, once we got back into bed together it was wonderful, intimate and has increased our sexual desire for each other again.

I’m actually thinking of after a few months, we should do this again!  Whether or not it’d be him or me displaced doesn’t matter.  A couple weeks separate from each other can re-set the intimacy and desire again, and really help you appreciate the joys of sharing your sleeping space with someone.  If you’re stuck in one of those ruts, I highly recommend sleeping apart for a few nights.  While 2-3 weeks may be a bit much unless it’s for a back problem or something, just a few nights in the spare bedroom or on a couch can really help you to appreciate the subtle romanticism and the intense intimacy sleeping in the same bed with your lover has.

How to bring up trying a taboo sex act

Blow? Suck?

Face it.  No matter who you are, no matter your religion, your sexual experience, your moral values, where you live, your shape or size, no matter anything, there comes a time when you want to try something “taboo” with your lover.  Or yourself.

So first, let’s look at what taboo is.  Basically, something is taboo when there’s a strong social “ban” on it.  So, according to society to do activity x, y, or z is bad.  Then that activity is taboo.  Even if it is perfectly legal.  Taboo does not mean illegal or legal.  Just that according to society at large, to do that act is abhorrent or objectionable.

Due to the taboo nature of many sex acts, it can be difficult for someone to bring it up to their lover, even if they’ve been together for years.  Now, each relationship is unique; everybody communicates in their own way just as each relationship has it’s own best system(s) of communication.

However, when you haven’t ever talked about it before, for a lot of people, suddenly saying “Baby, get on your hands and knees I wanna fuck you in the arse” typically isn’t the best idea to go about it.

When it comes to trying new things in bed, many people can be very touchy about the subject.  Often it’s due to their upbringing, but whatever the reason those persons feelings must be taken into account and honored and respected. Doing anything less simply shows that you don’t care about the other persons feelings and is/can be very detrimental to your relationship with them.  By taking their feelings into account you’re showing them that they matter to you, that their opinion is important to you

So, especially when you’re asking them to try something they’re not familiar with, make sure to be prepared to answer questions.  And also be kind about it, don’t, in any way, even begin to insinuate that they’re stupid or naive for asking.  Also, be prepared to offer up examples and educational materials.  These could be instructional/informational videos or books , maybe even a website or two.

Another good idea is if you’re wanting to try a new toy or type of toy it wouldn’t be a bad idea to actually buy a simple version of one so they can see it, feel it and get an idea of what it is before you’re actually in the moment of sex play when you’d want to try it. Get one that’s simple and unassuming, and preferrably a litle bit on the cheaper end so that if they don’t like it or that particular type of sex play doesn’t work for you you’re not out a lot of money.  You can always get a nicer one if it ends up being something you both like and want to try again.

There’s a few other things to remember.  First off, don’t be demanding.  Demanding can be construed as force, and force is horrible, bad and illegal.  Also, it can cause your partner to feel guilty if they’re not interested in which case they may do it anyway, despite not wanting to.  That can really get you into troubles and problems you wouldn’t want.

Also, you have to understand and be okay with the fact that not everyone likes everything.  Be understanding, compassionate and accepting if your partner genuinely tries something new for you and doesn’t like it.  Be willing to gently suggest trying it another way (perhaps with a different toy, a different position or maybe in a different place).  Also allow them time before trying it again if they’re not wanting to jump right back into it.

All in all, trying something new can be difficult for some people, regardless of the reasons for it.  And this needs to be respected and honored.  But at the same time, trying something new can really bring flavor and excitement back into your sex life.  Talk about it, bring it up, hide a book about it in their briefcase or on their pillow, leave a video of it when you’re going out of town or give a new toy as a gift.  However you do it; do it and be empathetic about it.  You won’t regret it.

Sometimes talking is not the answer…

Talking

While talking things out is always a much better idea than just letting the issue fester, sometimes talking isn’t the right way to go about communicating the problem.  However that’s not to say that you shouldn’t communicate, it’s just saying that verbally speaking isn’t always the best way, especially considering how many other communications options we have nowadays.  My boyfriend and I actually rarely verbally speak about things when we’re having issues with something, even if it’s not something central in our relationship (eg – a behavior, something someone said, etc).  We don’t even usually talk about it in an instant message setting.

What we do is e-mail each other.  (Or Facebook message, though typically e-mail.)  The reason we do it this way is because we are still able to communicate what we need to, however we’re able to think it all through, make sure we’re factually correct if we’re citing a specific event and can make sure that we’re not being petulant or something.

Now that’s not to say that we’ve never had actual verbal arguments.  Sure we have, we’re human!  But when we have a choice, we take it to e-mail so that we can be clear and concise.  So we can ensure that we express ourselves thoroughly without name calling, trigger pushing or any other unavoidable negativity throwing.

There’s also another awesome reason to communicate via written word; if you’re suggesting trying something new.  The reason for this is that you’re able to be concise about what you’re saying; if you get jumbled in your words you’re able to take the time to sit back and find the right words.  You’re able to read over what you’re saying to ensure it’s actually what you’re wanting to express.  Also, if you’re wanting to include examples, photos, websites or things of that nature you’re able to insert those things to better help express your point(s).

Personally, things like this, while they may be a difficult subject matter, kind of make me feel good.  It’s nice to know that whomever is sending the email (or letter or card or whatever it may be) thinks enough of me and enough of the subject to put that kind of thought into it.

Truth is, by putting that kind of time and effort into your communication it’s very likely that you will learn something about your feelings and thoughts on the matter as well.  When you’re speaking, no matter how much thought you put into what you’re going to say, there’s always so much emotion in it, as well as spontaneity.  When writing you have that opportunity to think about what you want to say, type/write it, then read it before you send or give it to the recipient.  You’re able to show that the subject matter is important to you, as is communicating your feelings, thoughts and any expectations you have about it.

The long and short of it is that communication is hard.  No bones about it.  Sometimes the need to hash things out just flat out sucks! Communicating is hard work; saying things that may not be the nicest things to say and hearing things of the same nature.  Saying “Honey, you’re being an asshat” sometimes all that’s needed.  However, when you have to go into detail, it’s not easy.

But sometimes it has to be done, and being able to use a method that allows you to read over things and make sure that you’re not the one being the asshat, I think it’s something that should be used.  However; it can be seen as impersonal, so if it’s a method of communication you’ve never used before, I’d makes sure to put something in there as to why you’re doing it.  ”I am saying this in an e-mail because….”

At any rate; communicate!  Whatever you need to do to express what you need to express; do it.  Say it verbally, face to face, over the phone, around a corner.  Write an e-mail or letter, send a card.  When things stay unsaid they can fester and grow into something that’s much larger than it really needs to be.

In my next post I will give you some ideas on how to broach the subject of trying a new sex act that’s a bit more… taboo.

Intimacy

Intimacy is something that I think is sadly lacking in most relationships nowadays.  So often when I’ve been a part of a conversation about intimacy, be it a face-to-face discussion or online, people typically say “Ohh, we have a good sex life!” or “We have a lot of sex!” Well, intimacy is not sex!

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Sex IS intimate!  LOL You’re putting part(s) of one body inside another!  Your juices are mingling together, you’re causing each other indescribable pleasure.  You could possibly be making a baby!! Yea.  That’s intimate.  You’re also trusting one another to not go too far; I’ve heard from many men that it takes a lot of trust to let a woman give them head; the chance of getting bit is very scary for some men.

My boyfriend and I are not intimate in the sense of romance.  Neither of us is romantic, y0u won’t find him buying me flowers (which I’m thankful of; they just die anyway) or sprinkling petals leading me somewhere or anything like that.  And it’s fine with me because it works for us.  We don’t take baths together (though we regularly shower together and wash each other) or whisper lovey dovey stuff to each other.

However, we hold hands when we’re in bed together.  We hold hands while watching tv and almost always touch each other.  We listen to each other and do our best to always honor each other’s quirks, ticks and idiosyncrasies.  I’ve checked the definition of the word “intimacy” on more than one source and the main theme is that intimacy is actually a descriptor of very close relationships.   A relationship in which you are very close with the other person, such as siblings, best friends, parent/child and so forth.

I have intimate, non-sexual relationships with many, mostly female actually.  There’s actually a couple of females that I’m very close with, have very intimate relationships with, and it’s not at all sexual.  Sexuality and intimacy are, for the most part, exclusive.    A trusting, close relationship does not beget sex, and sex does not beget a close, trusting relationship.

More than anything though, I think it saddens me (actually often makes me angry) that so many people see sex a necessity for an intimate relationship.  Relationships with parents and siblings are getting more cold and distant, so many relationships with friends are nothing more than partying and then it’s like, once you get close enough with someone to actually be intimate, it’s suddenly seems to be a requirement that you also be sexual with them.  And the part that is really weird for me is how that assumed sexual requisite is sometimes not even from the people in the relationship!  It’s an assumption from those who  are not a part of the relationship and, for whatever reason, have a difficult time seeing close relationships between people who are not lovers.  It’s unfortunate, really.

For those that do have intimate, non-sexual relationships, they often get teased about it; being called gay, people assuming that you are indeed having sex with the person and not taking no for an answer (which can then lead to even more unpleasantness if someone says they’re lying), and so forth.

More and more, however, we are seeing non-sexual intimate relationships crop up.  From bro-mances to heterosexual lifemates (2 people of the same gender who are living together, have an intimate life-long companionship but are not sexual with one-another) it’s becoming more and more prolific.  H0pefully with how much more common it’s becoming the understanding of it will also become more common.

What are your thoughts on how intimacy and sex are two totally separate things?

Sex drives

So, my boyfriend and I used to have a lot of sex.  A lot.  Every day, sometimes more than once a day, for an hour or two at a time.  It was incredible!  He loves to see where my limits are, for how many different types of pleasure I can take at once.  By this I mean clitoral stimulation, anal stimulation, nipple stimulation, etc.  One of his favorite toys to use is this triple egg/bullet vibrator I have, it’s very similar to this duo egg vibrator, except mine has one slim vibrator and two eggs, all attached to one power pack.   He loves this toy so much because it’s so easy to use and there’s only one power pack, for so many vibrators.

I remember one time he had nipple clamps on me, had the long bullet in my bottom, the two eggs in my vagina plus he used another vibrator on my clit.  Yea, we’re pretty certain the neighbors heard me that night.  I think he really loves the fact that eventually I needed to cry “uncle!” and have him remove some of the stimulations.

The last few months though, we haven’t been having much sex.  Stress has gotten in the way, it totally has sapped our sex drives.  My boyfriend’s went first, but mine quickly went after.  Prior to me loosing my sex drive it was really difficult for me to cope with the very infrequent sex.  Part of me felt like I wasn’t attractive to him anymore, part of me feared he didn’t love me anymore, though he always told me it wasn’t either of those.  He was dealing with some depression and stress, things of that nature.

I’m quite ashamed of how poorly I dealt with it though.  I felt like he should be more willing to use his fingers or mouth on me, or use some of my sex toys on me so that I can at orgasm.  I would blame him, for me not getting off, when all I had to do wasmasturbate.    Happily I got over myself and then eventually started loosing my own sex drive.

Thing is, I felt like since we used to have sex so much, we should always have sex that much.  This is so not the case.  We should have sex when we want it, not because we did yesterday, or two days ago.  Sex can’t be scheduled, that causes it to loose it’s specialness, it looses it’s spur-of-the-moment feel and becomes tedious, almost like a chore.  Makes it seem more like you’re having sex because it’s time to, or you have to, rather than you want to.

Happily, nowadays, we have our sex drive back, and we’re having sex when we want to again.  It’s nowhere near as frequent as it used to be, however it’s damn good when it happens!!

Photo By: music2work2

Phone Sex, Anyone?

Your partner is out of town on a long assignment. Maybe it’s been a long week and all you really want is to be together. There is a way. A lot of people have never considered phone sex an option, but perhaps they should. A well planned encounter can be powerful foreplay, guaranteeing a passionate reunion. Before you start dialing consider some of the following points.

Be Comfortable
Comfort is different for each person. Personally, I prefer to be freshly showered, shaved, and lotioned because it makes me feel sexy. I wear night gowns because I don’t want to bother with the awkwardness of removing my pants in the heat of the moment. Phone sex is as much mental as it is physical, so it’s important that you can really relax. So being comfortable is the first step.

Eliminate Distractions
If your sweetie were home, you’d turn off the TV and put the cell phones away. Phone sex is no exception. You certainly don’t want to be distracted while talking with your partner. Then be sure to allow yourself plenty of time to enjoy the experience. In some ways phone sex can take longer because you are talking through things that you wouldn’t normally need to verbalize. Also consider the lighting. Try a small lamp or candles instead of harsh overhead lighting. Go ahead and gather anything you will need (toys, lube, etc.) to ensure that you won’t have to go find something once you get started.

Conversation
Generally speaking, I have found that phone sex conversation flows easier when you talk about what you ‘would like to do’ rather than what you ‘are doing’. For example, “I wish I were there. I want to trace that sensitive spot behind your ear with my tongue” is more intriguing and easier to believe than “I’m licking your neck right now.” Some people really enjoy role play, in which case you make take that approach. For many though, the former will flow a little easier. Once you’ve had this conversation and you’re mentally in the moment, someone will usually ask, “what are you doing right now?” At that point you are going to talk about what you are doing, but I still suggest staying focused on what you ‘wish’ you were doing. “I’m rubbing my clit. I wish you were here.” “I wish I were there too. I’m so hard right now. I wish I could slide into your wet pussy.” As the conversation heats up you should let your partner know exactly how you are touching yourself. The closer you come to release, the more vocal you should become about exactly what you want, exactly what you are wishing for. Let your partner know when come. That’s what you are both waiting to hear.

Ending the Call
Those first few minutes after you’ve finished can be awkward, especially since it is possible that you won’t finish at the same time. You may be feeling like you should say something, but you aren’t sure what to say. Honestly, there is no need to speak until you’ve both caught your breath. Comfortable silence can be good. If this is your partner, something like, “I love you. I can’t wait to see you again,” would be a very appropriate follow-up. Having had several casual encounters, I’ve found that keeping it lighthearted is best. Muster up your best Joey Tribbiani voice and ask, “Was it good for you?” if you want to get a laugh. You wouldn’t rush out the door immediately after sex, so try not to rush off the phone too quickly either. Don’t cut your partner off mid-sentence or hang-up. However, if the conversation was all about the sex to begin with, it’s ok to say goodnight and hang up the phone.

Cyber Sex
Cyber sex is obviously different from phone sex. I want to touch on this for a briefly because I’ve had a few pleasurable experiences with it and a few just-plain-awkward ones as well. Cyber-sex can be difficult. For starters, you’re typing. That takes both hands. This is one reason cyber-sex is more like mutually writing a good sex scene. You do tend to lean more towards present tense, and you go backand forth describing the situation and what you are “doing”. For me, I don’t generally get off from these encounters directly, but once the exchange is over I can re-read what we’ve created and get myself off then. In a perfect world phone sex and cyber sex are not substitutes for the real thing, but rather great methods of foreplay for couples who are separated for long periods of time. For singles with no current love interests though? It can also be kindling for some great self-play. So think about it, get used to the idea if you aren’t already, and give it a try!

D. Scandal: I’m just a single girl in a small town looking to keep life interesting.  I’m full of contradictions and that’s part of what makes me who I am. You can read all about my exploits and secrets at my blog Scandal in the Choir Loft.

Newsflash: Kids Can Ruin Your Sex Life, Study Says

A new survey has confirmed something sleep-deprived new parents have known for decades — having kids can ruin your sex life, at least temporarily. Look for things to improve by the time the kids turn 10 or so.

The survey about sex was commissioned by the French magazine Top Sante and revealed some other interesting information about sex, age, marital status and society’s perceptions of the three factors.

Sadly, 91 percent of working women with children under 10 years old say their sex life is “wrecked.” That’s not, “Worse than before they had kids,” or “Not as good as they’d like,” but completely ruined.

“Empty Nest Sex”

Meanwhile 60 percent of women with children over 18 say they’re having more sex now that the kids have moved away from home. And that sex is better than ever, according to the survey. Women over 40, according to survey respondents, seem to have the most fulfilling sex lives.

This is due to a number of factors, including less worries about those kids who put such a damper on things when they were younger.

Here are some surprising stats about women in their 40s and sex:

- Eighty percent of women in their 40s say they are more adventurous about sex than they were in their 20s.

- Sixty percent of women in their 40s believe they are more assertive, with the confidence to ask for (or even demand) what they want

- Twenty percent of women under 30 say they fake satisfaction in bed

- Only 7 % of 40-somethings say they fake orgasm

This dispels, to some extent, the myth that women in their 30s are actually in their sexual prime. A woman’s physical sex drive may be higher in her 30s than at any other time, but women are having children later, which means they might be taking care of a toddler or preschooler in their 30s — and we’ve already established what that does to an active sex life!

By their 40s, a woman’s sex drive is still in full force, and, with children growing up and becoming more self-sufficient, she’s got the confidence, time and energy to pursue an active, exciting and fulfilling sex life. When it comes to sex, 40 seems to be the new 30.

You Can Still Have Fulfilling Sex In Your Thirties

If you’re a new mom in your 30s (or younger, or older), don’t despair. You can still have fulfilling sex — it just takes a bit more work, planning and communication.

1. Get a babysitter. Finding a babysitter you can trust goes a long way toward being able to relax for a night, or just a few hours, of sex with your spouse.

2. Communicate your needs. Don’t like the turn your sex life has taken since you had kids? Talk to your spouse about it and make a plan. Here are some more tips about how to talk about sex with your partner.

3. Let loose when you have the opportunity. One piece of advice I give new moms (as a new mom myself) is “Perfect the art of the quickie!” Experiment to find what works best to get turned on quickly. Sometimes, that fast release is all both you and your partner need for intimacy and stress relief. Hopefully, you spent time during the baby-making portion of your relationship to figure out the hottest moves to make your spouse go wild. Now’s the time to dust off that repertoire and make it work in double time.

Check out this article for more tips on how to plan a sex date with your spouse.

Bring Sex Back into Your Life After a Baby

If you’re like most mothers — especially the mother of an infant or toddler — a weekend of hot sex is probably not topping your wish list this Mother’s Day. But it could be exactly what you need to connect with your husband and feel great.

Even after the requisite six weeks to heal following childbirth, many new mothers don’t feel like having sex. In fact, it can take a year or more for your sex drive to return to normal, if it does. Don’t expect it to happen on its own, either. Like most things worth having, an active, fulfilling sex life takes a bit of work, effort and time commitment.

New moms and new dads may be hesitant to return to their usual sex life following birth. Some reasons include:

• Fear of pregnancy (Mothers who don’t nurse — which provides birth control by temporarily halting ovulation — are extremely fertile during ovulation after giving birth)
• Lack of time
• Stress & exhaustion from being new parents
• Husband viewing wife in a different light now that she is the mother of his child (Freud’s Madonna-whore complex)
• Fear of physical pain

Some ob-gyns believe that some fathers may need time after childbirth to begin viewing their wives as sex symbols, again, after seeing those parts play a completely different (and kind of icky) role.

For some men, there may be elements of the “Madonna-whore” complex at play. A husband may not view his wife in a sexual way now that she’s become a mother. Couple this with exhaustion from the round-the-clock job of parenting and new pressures that come with being a parent, and you have a recipe to neglect sex.

In most healthy relationships, couples can solve this problem with a bit of discussion and by the mother/wife taking the initiative to think, feel and act sexy. Here’s where Vibrator.com can help.

5 Steps to a Sex Date with Your Spouse

Here are some exciting ways to spice up your Mother’s Day this year by planning a sex date with your spouse.

1. Find a babysitter you can absolutely trust. You can’t relax and enjoy yourself if one or both of you is worried about the little one. Whether your first date occurs when your infant is 6 weeks old or 6 months old (don’t wait longer than that!) you’ll need a sitter you can trust implicitly. Keep your cell phone on vibrate in case of emergencies, but don’t make it the focus of your attention.

2. Nail down a location for your sex date. If you’ve dropped the baby off at a sitter, you can go home and enjoy sex in your own bed — if you co-sleep, having the bed for just the two of you is reason enough to celebrate. If the sitter comes to your house, there’s no crime in pretending you’ll be at a movie and dinner and sneaking off to a hotel, instead. Sex in a hotel room could be especially fun for role-play, as it carries connotations of illicit hook-ups.

3. Dress the part. From head to toes — and especially everywhere in between — get your body ready for sex. Make sure to don your sexiest lingerie beneath your outfit, and maybe even tuck a negligee in your purse for later. Take time while you’re getting dressed to fantasize about the night. If possible, have the sitter arrive early so you can pamper yourself in the bath before the date. Concerned about extra baby weight you haven’t lost? Put it out of your mind. With or without a few added pounds, your husband is dying to see you in the type of sexy get-up you wore before you got pregnant.

4. Add an exciting toy to the mix — and we’re not talking about the kind you keep tripping over lately. If you need help relaxing and getting primed for sex, playing with sex toys can get the juices flowing rapidly.

5. Remember what made you fell in love — and lust — in the first place. It’s okay to go back to your “old standbys” as a couple — those moves that never fail to make you quiver. Talk, play, laugh — and bond. After your magical night is over, make a solid plan to do it again at least once a week, whether it’s a secret rendezvous while the baby sleeps or another “sex date night,” complete with sitter.

Three Tips for Talking About Sex

Dr. Laura Berman states that 15 % of all married couples don’t have sex. Often these couples started out in happy relationships with healthy sex lives. But the demands of children, money woes and day-to-day life eventually got in the way and sex fell by the wayside. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The best way to keep the sex going in your relationship is to prevent any problems before they start. How can you do this? Talk about sex regularly.

I don’t mean talking dirty (although that can be fun, too!) but regular conversations about what’s working in your sex life — and what isn’t — will keep you both fulfilled and happy. Most importantly, it will keep sex at the forefront of your relationship. Whether you’ve been married for years and have a large family or are a couple living together with no kids, these three tips will help you talk about sex more easily.

1. Keep it out of the bedroom. I’m not talking about sex on the kitchen table (although I’m all for that, as long as you break out the Pledge wipes before you serve dinner).

The best time to talk about sex is … whenever you think of it. Okay, maybe not during dinner with the ‘rents. But any time the two of you are alone together, you can bring it up. The topic of conversation, I mean.

Here’s another hint: Guys are more comfortable talking in the car, because driving gives them something else to focus on. He won’t feel compelled to look at you during the conversation and you won’t long for eye contact. This will make everyone more comfortable.

You can also talk side-by-side on the living room sofa, with the television on if it makes him more comfortable. Trust us — if you’re talking about sex, he’s listening, even though it may not look like he is.

2. Focus on the positives. Critiquing someone’s sex moves — whether it’s the frequency or the technique — is a touchy subject. Starting the conversation with words like “We don’t have sex often enough,” or “I’ve never told you before, but I hate it when you…” puts him on the defensive. If he feels attacked, he’ll retreat or lash out. Either way, you won’t achieve the objective you desire — more frequent or better sex (or both).

The brain remembers instructions better when it’s focused on positives. How many times have you said to yourself, “I don’t want to be late?” — focusing on the act of being late. And then — just as you feared — you arrive late somewhere. Alternately, by focusing on the words, “I want to be on time,” that’s exactly what will happen.

This concept works with nearly everything. If you tell your partner what you love in the bedroom, what you’d like more of, or exactly how often you’d like to have sex, he’s more likely to remember. If you focus on the negatives, he’ll put so much attention on “not” doing something, he’ll continue to do it.

3. Have a plan. You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know exactly what you want. Maybe your sex life is boring and you want to spice it up, test new positions or introduce toys. Don’t just tell him, “I’m bored when we have sex lately.” Make a list of suggestions and share it with him.

Complaining about what’s wrong focuses on the negative and leaves him at a loss. You’re likely to get a reply such as, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” Or he might suggest something to make it more exciting that you have no interest in: “Why don’t invite your best friend to join us next time?” Not exactly what you planned.

To get what you want, you have to ask for it — which means you have to know what you want. It might help to make a list of ideas beforehand, and even practice the conversation. After you’ve verbalized your desires, ask him what he wants. With all ideas on the table, you can decide what appeals to both of you.

By keeping the lines of communication open, you can ensure an active and pleasing sex life as long as you’re together.

Four Things You Need to Have a Threesome

With the Britney Spears song “1, 2, 3” running through my brain, I started wondering if threesomes have grown in popularity since the song hit the top 20. Most guys have the dream, whether they admit it or not. If he has testosterone coursing through his veins, chances are he wants to see you with another girl.

If you’re amenable to the suggestion, it’s not an impossible dream at all. And I don’t doubt Britney’s song sparked a few discussions on the topic. But there are four things you absolutely must have for a successful threesome.

1. A third person.

Where can you find another girl (or perhaps even another guy) to engage in a threesome? You have a few choices… Many websites are devoted to swingers, where you can find other people in your area to hook up with. You can hunt down swinger parties in your region, where you’ll meet interesting people, make friends, and hopefully find a third. If “blind dating” of this sort is not your style, you can approach friends, which carries a unique set of challenges.

If you have a friend, you’re going to face the person afterward — whether the night was a success or not. As in any kind of sexual encounter, lots of things can go wrong, including one person feeling neglected. You may also feel as if your relationship is threatened — especially if your partner and your friend had a close friendship previously. After all, the mix of close friendship, intimacy and sex has the makings of a potential relationship. Are you confident enough to recognize that the sex and the friendship can remain as separate elements? (And if not, you may want to reconsider the idea of a threesome at all). Is each party mature enough to recognize the difference between love and lust?

Many threesomes between friends work out very well, and can actually be a beautiful way to strengthen your friendship. But first, consider whether or not you’ll feel “weird” facing the person the next morning.

On the other hand, sex with a stranger or someone you meet through the swinger lifestyle can be illicit, exciting and lots of fun. The big problem is you really don’t know what you’re getting into and sex with a stranger may make you uncomfortable.

2. Lots of confidence.
Before you enter a threesome with your partner, you’ll need to be secure in several ways. You’ll want to believe in the strength of your relationship and understand that sex is fun, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to run off and marry the “third.”

You also need to have a healthy dose of self-confidence in your body. You don’t want to worry that he’s constantly comparing you (unfavorably!) to the other woman.

Finally, you need to understand the give-and-take of a sexual relationship. Sometimes, the emphasis will be on her, sometimes on you, and sometimes on both of you. Sometimes it will shift so you’re both focusing on him. One of the fantastically fun things about a threesome is the different possibilities it presents for sexual acts and positions.

3. Ground rules.
Perhaps you’re perfectly comfortable with him watching while you get it on with your best friend, but there are certain parts of him you don’t want to share. That’s fine, but discuss it beforehand and be honest. Also let the third person know your ground rules — they may have a few of their own.

If someone crosses a line (maybe the possibility wasn’t discussed because you didn’t think of it, or maybe someone got swept up in the heat of the moment), gently and playfully guide them in another direction. As long as you’re nice about it — and create an equally steamy diversion — no one should mind.

4. Condoms.
It’s a good idea for all parties to get tested for sexually-transmitted diseases beforehand and present a clean bill of health. But even if you do, any sex with a non-monogamous, regular partner should involve condoms. If the guy in a threesome switches between girls, he should change the condom each time to prevent the exchange of fluids. You may want to consider dental dams for  oral sex, as well.

Creative Ways to Say I Love You on Valentine’s Day

Yes, yes, we know. Valentine’s Day is a commercialized, “Hallmark” holiday. It’s all about the chocolate and roses. The overcrowded restaurants. And let’s not think about all that pressure to find the perfect gift and create the perfect experience so you don’t wind up in the dog house until spring.

Relax. Let’s look at Valentine’s Day in a different light.

As our lives get busy, we often don’t take time to think about the things that really matter, like the person we love. It’s important to spend grown-up, one-on-one time together, getting back in touch with the personality aspects that brought us together as a couple in the first place. And Valentine’s Day gives us the perfect excuse to do just that.

So why not ditch the crowded restaurants and skip the overpriced roses this year and focus on pampering your lover in a variety of low-cost ways? Here are some suggestions to celebrate Valentine’s Day on a budget.

Romantic dinner at home. For about ¼ of the price of a restaurant meal, you can enjoy filet mignon, lobster tails, or your choice of culinary indulgence right at home. Make sure to include foods with aphrodisiac properties, http://blog.vibrator.com/do-aphrodisiacs-exist.html like oysters and asparagus. For dessert? Fresh strawberries dipped in dark chocolate.

Visit the place where you first met or had your first date. What better way to get in touch with the person you fell in love with than to go back to those hangouts from your early dating days? You can re-enact your first date, or pay a visit to the bar, park or store where you first met. If you met in a more unique location, even better! When you get there, spend some time talking about what first attracted you to each other.

This thought crossed my mind the other day and I thought it would be fun. Unfortunately, if my husband and I were to go back to the site of our first date – a casual but classy locally-owned restaurant and grill – we’d wind up at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. It’s a shame, really.

Sexy photo album
Put together a racy photo album for his-or-her eyes only. You can use a service like Snapfish.com or Shutterfly to put together the photo album digitally, or buy an inexpensive photo album and photo prints. If you’re afraid of facing the kid behind the counter at CVS, you can print them yourself. (Highly recommended!)

Start off with some fun, fully-clothed photos of you and your sweetie having good times, and let the photos get sexier and sexier with each page, until you’re giving your guy the full “Hustler” view.

The coupon book of his (or her) dreams. Make your lover’s fantasies come true. The X-Rated Hugs and Kisses coupon book provides plenty of fun suggestions. Or you can make your own – don’t forget to leave one coupon as a “fill-in-the-blank,” so your lover can redeem it for something you may not have thought about!

Enjoy one of your favorite hobbies together. Couples that play together — play together after hours, too. If you’re like most couples, you and your Valentine probably have plenty of common interests… and too little time to pursue them all. Reserve February 14 to pursue a hobby you both love – perhaps something you haven’t done together in a while.

Keep up the tradition after Valentine’s Day, too, taking at least one day or weekend a month to bond over your favorite sports, games or interests.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – And Other Sexy Things to Do This Holiday

Aren’t the holidays a romantic time of year? Let’s forget the crowded malls, endless piles of presents to wrap, and our dwindling bank accounts. Pass the spiked egg nog and let’s focus on the mistletoe and the crackling fire.

For couples celebrating Christmas together, Christmas Eve is the perfect night to set aside time for nooky near the tree. Just be careful where you roll; you don’t want to crush the Nativity scene. Here are some more ideas to really rock your lover’s jingle bells.

Role play – Santa and Mrs. Claus, a few naughty elves… bring on the garb and make it a very Merry Christmas. Don’t forget to take a few photos that you can enjoy throughout the year.

Play a fun (and silly) sex game – Turn on one of your favorite Christmas classics, but give it a grown-up twist while you watch. Write up cards with foreplay acts on them – or use these “dirty” dice. Then roll the dice or draw a card every time Rudolph’s nose lights up or Snoopy enters the scene. Use your imagination. You each get to open one of your presents early if you actually make it through all 23 minutes of the Christmas special before having sex.

Take in a (private) movie – My husband and I have a tradition of opening one gift each on Christmas Eve. Inevitably, I give him a DVD, ensuring some quiet couples time for the rest of the night as we snuggle in front of the roaring fireplace to watch a movie. Why not follow our tradition but make it an X-rated selection? I particularly like plot-driven films made for couples, with big name stars like Jenna Jameson in Cover to Cover.

Enjoy a toy that didn’t come from Santa – If movies aren’t your thing, why not gift your lover with a unique and adventurous couples sex toy, and spend the rest of the evening playing? A vibrating cock ring or a wireless remote control vibe make great couples toys!

Breakfast in bed – We all remember racing out of bed Christmas morning to see what treats Santa left for us. But we’re mature adults now, with more patience. And we know good things come to those who wait.

If you’re one of those lucky couples without kids, linger in bed Christmas morning and enjoy a decadent breakfast: French toast with gooey syrup or sticky cinnamon buns. Don’t forget the fresh strawberries and whipped cream; strawberries are shown to be an aphrodisiac.

You can prepare the French toast in the evening and simply bake until golden brown… We’re sure you can find something to do while breakfast is cooking.

I also liked Michael Webb’s tips for 12 Romantic Days of Christmas. Select a few of these to spice up your holiday celebration!

The Link Between Sex and Death

As many readers and frequent customers to this website know, we are based in New York. Perhaps that’s why, eight years after the September 11 terrorist attacks, I feel compelled to write something – a memory, a tribute, some acknowledgment of the anniversary of an event that impacted not just New Yorkers, but all Americans.

What could 9-11 and sex possibly have in common? More than you might imagine, according to several sex researchers, including New Yorker Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Why Him, Why Her?

Chemical Attractions

Unusual experiences, or novelty, Fisher notes in an article in Obit Magazine, increases the release of dopamine in the brain, which then triggers an increase in testosterone. That hormone enhances the sex drive in both men and women. Death – the great unknown – is novel and unusual enough to cause the “funeral sex” effect in our brains.

Highlighted, and lampooned, in movies like The Wedding Crashers, post-funeral sex is actually quite common. When we look into that casket, we face our own mortality then seek to celebrate our life. Few things make you feel quite alive as truly great sex. Also, following funerals, we seek comfort, and that, too, can be found in the primal connection between two people.

Sex after September 11

Now consider a day like September 11, 2001 – few living Americans ever experienced a tragedy of that magnitude before (and hopefully never will again). Fear, danger and novelty abounded. Not surprisingly, then, in the weeks following the terrorist attacks of September 11, more New Yorkers were having sex, at least according to some accounts.

The LA Times ran an article in October of that year describing a phenomenon called “terror sex” or “end-of-the-world” sex. Some experts attribute it to a biological desire to procreate in the face of death; bad things are happening around us but the species must survive.

Other experts say people used sex as a means to cope with the fear and vulnerability we felt. We sought comfort in others, because we all had the same feelings: grief, sadness, anger, fear. Nearly everyone in the New York area experienced a mere two degrees of separation from someone who had been killed in the attack.

A third theory for the increased sex following September 11 cites people acting impulsively as they faced their own mortality. Thoughts of: “It could have been me” made people live more in the moment, sharing feelings they may not have shared otherwise and taking greater risks. In some cases, those risks involved sex with strangers. In others, it was finally marrying a long-time lover, starting a family, or leaving a secure career to pursue their passion.

Maybe that, eight years later, is the “good” we can take from the terror attacks that changed America. In a post-9-11 world, we still never know what lurks around the bend, individually or as a nation.

Take a risk. Follow your passion. Say, “I love you.” Have wild, uninhibited sex with a partner, or partners, of your choice (but be safe.) Celebrate life.

Sex-scopes for August

Wondering what the dog days of summer have in store for you? Are you more interested in a poolside rendezvous or an air-conditioned adventures? The Vibrator.com horoscopes let you know what to expect… in bed and anywhere else you may hook up with your lover.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Temptation reigns during the dog days of summer. Whether it’s a foray into BDSM or a splurge on a new, multi-featured vibe, you’ll yearn to venture where you’ve never gone before. Once you’ve tasted life on the wild side, you may not want to return, either.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Things may start to feel dull and lifeless. It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity… and it’s wreaking havoc on your love life, too. Take time to nurture yourself. Light those candles, draw a bath, treat yourself to a decadent new toy, and romance will follow. When you’re feeling more yourself, your nurturing nature will turn your lover into jelly (and that’s a good thing!)

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): It may be wise to forego the pole-dancing or sex swing this month to avoid getting caught in any compromising positions.  Keep it calm and conventional, with an emphasis on love and romance to avoid arguments – or a trip to the emergency room!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): It’s time to party it up, Cancerians. A vacation may be in the cards; spring for the room with the hot tub and the ocean view! If the opportunity arises to try something new, get to it. Three-some, four-some, public places? Have fun! Anything goes this month.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Everything you desire will come to you this month, Leo. Single? A long, meaningful relationship may begin. Married? Set your ego aside. Careful negotiations and diplomacy will lead to vigorous and enthusiastic shows of good will … in the bedroom, of course.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The normally staid Virgo will let their dominatrix side out this month. That doesn’t mean they can’t show love and reverence, but they may do it with a cat o’ nine tails. Not much will stop Virgos from asserting themselves – better stock up on lube!

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Just make a choice already, Libra! Whatever you decide will be the right thing. You might be considering redecorating your bedroom in lusty shades of red, or maybe you’re reinventing yourself with a whole new look. Whatever you do, your lover will like it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Set your ego aside, Scorpio, and remember that whatever you put out into this Universe is exactly what you will get back. Initiate oral sex and you’ll find yourself in a 69 that rocks your world. If you choose to pout, instead, you’ll find it’s just you and your rabbit vibe tonight.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): August is all about compromise, give and take, share-and-share alike for Sagittarians. That may sound dull, but it’s actually quite refreshing. Play a love game where you fulfill each other’s fantasies, and you’ll discover some new tricks to add to your repertoire for years to come.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): It’s been a rough month, Capricorn. Problems at work and home mean sex is the last thing on your mind. The solution? Your knight in shining armor, bearing aphrodisiacs of all sorts, will whisk you away to fantasy land – even if all you can afford is a few hours away.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Although your birthday is half a year away, Aquarius, you get to party it up this month. Group sex anyone? Indulgence is a beautiful thing, but it’s also likely you’ll be the one cleaning up afterwards, so don’t stay up too late and chill on the Mojitos.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): It’s time to take the lead, Pisces. You’ve got a partner willing to indulge your every whim, so let your imagination soar. A playful game of truth or dare might lead to roadside sex or a strip club adventure. Take time to appreciate your lover outside the bedroom, too, or it could turn into a lonely month.

Is Your Bedroom Ripe for Romance?

Did you know that your bedroom décor can impact your sex life? I’m not talking about mirrors hanging from the ceiling or a sex swing in the corner (although they can be great fun!) Simple decorating choices can spice up your love life or turn it into a dud. Follow these tips to spice up your love life by changing your surroundings.

Clear the clutter. The Chinese art of Feng Shui deals with the flow of chi (energy) through a space. If your bedroom doesn’t feel like a sanctuary, it could be related to stagnant chi. Clear the clutter from the space to permit chi to flow freely and make sure there is room on both sides of the bed to walk. Do not store anything under the bed.

Get rid of negative energy. Negative energy may be related to past lovers or arguments with your present mate. Open windows, wash the linens and “air out” the room. Light a sweet-scented candle; strawberry is known to be an aphrodisiac. Some people recommend burning sage to “cleanse” a space.

A second-hand bed – or one you slept in with another lover — may contain “ghosts” of the past in the form of negative energy. Buy a new bed if possible, one that belongs exclusively to you and your lover.

Reduce family influence in the bedroom. Who wants to have sex with a picture of Grandma staring down at you? If you put any pictures in the bedroom, make sure they are happy photos of you and your lover. No parents, no children, no friends. In an extreme case of this mistake, a friend of mine kept an urn with her mother’s ashes in the bedroom. She said it didn’t bother her until my husband pointed it out… but still…

Shut work out (and no workouts, either). Books, paperwork and a desk in the bedroom make it hard to rest, relax – or do much of anything else a bedroom is designed for. Keep anything work-related out of the bedroom to promote an atmosphere of rest and romance. And that exercise bike or weight bench? Unless you’re using it as a prop for sex, put it in another room.

Not too feminine… or masculine. Pink frills and lace are cute for a little girl’s room, but they might make a male lover feel self-conscious. Likewise, a room that is too masculine in its design doesn’t inspire romance. Find a balance with colors like red, coral or deep pink. Blue is a restful color for a good night’s sleep, but balance blue hues with bright red sheets or accessories for passion.

If you’re single and looking for love…

Make space. Does your bedroom have “space” for a lover? Is your bed large enough for two and do you keep the half you don’t sleep in clear? Stocking your bed with stuffed animals, pillows or – worse – dolls from your childhood sends the message there’s no space in your life for a significant other. Some people even go so far as to keep half their closet and dresser drawers empty.

Get a set. A set – meaning a pair – of anything works well in the bedroom. Couple accessories such as lamps, knick-knacks, even nightstands to send the message that the bedroom is a space built for two.

Don’t forget your toys! Single or attached, make sure you have a special space in your room – away from prying eyes – to store your sex toys, lubes and accessories. Whether you put them in a cedar chest or a hat box in the closet, exploring the contents of your toy box should be a ritual wrought with excitement.

And if you decide to hang that sex swing, make sure it’s well-supported by a beam to avoid an embarrassing trip to the emergency room.

8 Easy Step to Introduce a Vibe to Your Man

Would you like to incorporate vibrators and other sex toys in your bedroom play, but aren’t sure how to introduce the concept to your man? Some men may feel insecure when you bring up the topic of toys, but others may be eager to use them for the first time. The only way you’ll know is to ask him.

Follow these tips to gently add a new element to your love life.

1.    Start small. We mean this literally and figuratively. The 9-inch long, extra-thick vibrating cock may intimidate your man a little. He might be less than enthused to hear it’s got 10 different speeds of vibration, pulsation and gyration. Most men only want to find that many buttons on the remote that controls their electronics equipment, not your you-know-what.

Begin with a slimline vibe that looks nothing like the real thing. Lady Calston’s Feel Good Slim Vibe can help create a great first experience for him or her.

2.    Seek the straight and narrow. Similarly, steer clear of anything that looks like a cock.

3.    Don’t let on that you’re a pro. When you first open your toy box, your man may want to know just how much action your collection has seen. Just smile seductively and say, “I use them now and then.” Deep in the back of your mind, you may know he masturbates daily, but that doesn’t mean you want to think about it. Neither does he.

4.    Demonstrate for him. If your partner seems uncomfortable or unsure what to do, give him a demo. And make it a real show. We promise you he will be so turned on, he’ll do anything you want after that.

5.    Use toys for two. Some clitoral vibes are great to use during intercourse. Your man won’t feel like he’s left out of the equation, and he’s sure to love the resonating vibrations, too. The We Vibe, for instance, is designed specifically for a man and woman to use together.

6.    Discuss it outside the bedroom. You can drop hints about toys you’d like to use by taking your man shopping – online, of course! Surf the Web with him one night and point out some of Vibrator.com’s more interesting, couple-friendly products. Chances are, he’ll be intrigued. If he seems lukewarm to the concept, start a dialogue. “I think these would be fun to use; what do you think?” During an honest discussion, he can air any misgivings and you can reassure him, or at least share your point-of-view.

7.    Toys for him. In some ways, introducing cock rings and pumps might be easier. After all, you merely have to tell him how good it will feel. What man doesn’t want more powerful orgasms and stronger sensations during sex?

8.    What about vibes for him? Once you’ve both gotten used to using vibrators together, he may get curious about experience the vibrations from a closer perspective. Or maybe you will be the one to suggest it.

Use plenty of lube for anal penetration and go slowly. Request that he communicates with you; let him set the pace.

Does color matter? If you think your guy will have hang-ups about something pink, purple or girly, go with a neutral color. On the other hand, some men won’t care at all.

Whatever toy you use, make sure to clean and sterilize it thoroughly before going from ass to vagina. It’s best to keep two separate toys on hand for these purposes if you plan to use vibes for anal and vaginal penetration during a single session. Who wants to get up and clean toys in the middle of sex?

Why Women Love Vibrators and (Some) Men Fear Them

I have a few guilty pleasures, and not all of them involve sex. No, really.

For instance, I like to watch Monday night sitcoms. With Allison Hannigan co-starring in How I Met Your Mother and Kaley Cuoco as the hot blond Penny in Big Bang Theory, the scenery’s good.

A recent episode of Rules of Engagement, which proceeds my usual Monday night TV viewing but just happened to suck me in this particular night, gave me a good laugh. Here’s the elevator pitch description if you don’t follow the show: it’s about the lives and antics of two couples — one married, one engaged — and their single, stereotypical wanna-be ladies’ man friend played by David Spade.

In this particular episode, one of the women hosted a sex party. You know, one of those where the girls get together and buy over-priced sex toys and lingerie that never really fits anyone once they get it home.

I just got rid of the $80 slinky black “dress” (okay, more like a negligee) hanging in my closet that, after too many glasses of White Zin and near-satanic goading from my friends, seemed like a wonderful investment.

But I digress –

The ladies attended this sex toy party and the men were quite worried. “Does my woman need toys in the bedroom? Is our sex life too boring?”

One particularly amusing scene involved the husband barging into the bedroom upon hearing tell-tale buzzing– to find his wife brushing her teeth with an electric toothbrush.

This whole thing got me thinking. What is it about vibrators that some men find so threatening?

Obviously, some men feel they are falling short (so to speak) in the sex department if their partner desires stimulation from a toy. They wonder what they’re doing wrong or why they aren’t “enough” for their partner – both in the very physical sense of not being large enough and in the sense of not being able to satisfy their partner for any reason, whether it’s size, technique, or something else all together.

Some men even go so far as to compare themselves physically to the toy. This gets into the realm of Really Silly when you look at certain sex toys designed partly for shock value and partly for those adventurous ladies (and men) looking to try something different once in a while. But let’s be realistic: How many women really want a 16-inch dildo up there every single night?

Comically large rubber penises aside, guys, there are plenty of things flesh-and-blood men give us that a sex toy can’t. Our Ambitious Beaver rabbit vibe  can’t take out the garbage or hang that shelf in the foyer, for instance.

But we’re talking sex here. A vibrator in the right hands may be efficient, but no matter how many different functions of pulsation, vibration and rotation it has, it’s still essentially the same thing every time. It’s a machine. Literally. Sure, a vibrator can send a woman to never-before-experienced levels of ecstasy, but it’s almost too easy.

A real man fumbles, makes mistakes, tries again, eventually gets it right. He explores our bodies and responds to our moans and squeals, hopefully in a way we enjoy. Couples who’ve been together a while are hopefully proficient, but you can still experiment to keep things exciting.

Using a vibrator during lovemaking is another way to keep things from getting boring, BUT, if your wife does want to introduce a vibrator into your bedroom routine, it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is boring without it.

There’s also the give-and-take of sex with a real person. Women, by nature, are nurturers. We want to give you pleasure to you as much as you rejoice in pleasuring us – maybe even more so. We simply don’t get the pleasure of giving when it comes to our battery-operated toys.

We can’t kiss a vibrator lovingly, rub its muscular shoulders, enjoy a cuddle after the main attraction. Masturbation with a vibrator relieves tension and yes, it makes us feel great, but it tends to get lonely.

If sex with real men has so many benefits, why do women even want to play with sex toys at all? They’re powerful. They’re efficient. And when you just want to get fucked good, hard, and fast, with multiple speeds of vibration to make sure it’s done right, they do an unparalleled job.

What’s even more fun than playing with a toy is sharing this amazing sexual event with a partner — combining the purely physical, sexual act with the sensual and erotic experience of lovemaking.

Guys, when we add another vibrator to our toy box, it doesn’t mean we want you any less or that there’s a sexual need of ours you aren’t fulfilling. In fact, we’d love for you to give us a hand with our latest machine!

Making Time for Sex

Many factors can dampen someone’s sex drive, including stressful events in your life. Late last year I posted some tips on how to boost your sex drive if stress has created problems in the bedroom. But what if a busy life has just left you flat-out too tired to tango?

This can happen to many couples, including:

-    new parents
-    people working two jobs because of the economy
-    couples caring for aging parents
-    anyone trying to manage a job, family life, and time for themselves!

If you fall into one of these categories, or many I haven’t thought of, there’s still hope for your sex life. Instead of thinking about creating the perfect romantic environment for a night of lovemaking, carve out time in your busy life for quickies. Steal moments whenever (and wherever!) you can.

Working too much? Schedule a lunchtime rendezvous.

Got kids? Remember, a locking bedroom door is your friend, but so is the shower, or that SUV parked in the garage. Check out this post to find other ideas for sex in strange places.

The bottom line? Make sex a priority, and then get creative and work together to find the time for it in your life.

These tips will help you speed up the process in order to get excited, get in, get satisfied and get out before the next emergency needs your attention.

· Gear up beforehand. Start dropping hints in the morning that promise your lover you will find a time for romance come evening. Leave cute notes where he’ll find them, or send him a dirty e-mail. (Make sure not to send it to his work account). Anticipation will make it easier to get revved up for an evening quickie.

·    Use toys and props. Do you typically need a while to get wet? Powerful clitoral vibes offer speedy satisfaction to get you ready for the main attraction, even making multiple orgasms a likely possibility.

·    Use lube. A little lube can also go a long way to get the party started.

·    Fantasize. Just like little teasing love notes, keeping sexy thoughts in your mind throughout the day will make it easier for you to gear up when you can steal a few minutes alone at night.

·    Wear sexy underwear. It sounds cliché, but try it! The feel of soft silk rubbing against your skin all day will make it very easy to get in the mood come evening. You can also take that idea to the next level and insert geisha balls an hour or two before lovemaking… few women would be able to stand the sexy feeling of geisha balls, also called Ben Wa Balls, filling them up all day long. You can remove the balls before sex, or keep them in for a special treat.

How to Make a Masturbation Video

If you’re looking for a great surprise that’s sure to get your lover revved up, why not give him a video? Masturbation videos of yourself are quick, easy to make, and don’t require any coordination between two parties. When it comes to making a porno, it doesn’t get any easier than this.

All you need is a video camera, a place to prop the video camera (a tripod, dresser or table) and your own two hands. Or one. Add some colorful toys if you want to make it really hot. Make sure you record the video in a well-light room, with the lighting at your back to avoid shadows.

Slip the CD in the computer hard drive so it’s the first thing your lover views when they boot up the home computer in the morning, or tuck it into their briefcase—with a note to only view the vid with the office door closed!

Here are some tips to make sure that video makes your lover’s day.

1.    Keep it short and switch it up. Sure, masturbation is hot. And of course you’re lover’s going to want to watch this. Try different techniques, different camera angles and different positions. Whatever you do, no matter how wild and crazy you get, keep the entire video down to five minutes or less. There’s a lot less variety in any type of masturbation than there is in other sexual activity, and any more than five minutes of the same-old, same-old gets… well, old.

2.    Talk! When my husband and I recorded some masturbation videos for close friends, I was told that he enjoyed the scenery, but when I started talking, that put him over the top. Address the camera with those wide, “fuck-me” eyes and tell the viewer exactly what you would like them to do to you, right now.  Don’t forget the moans, groans, and passionate sighs, either.

3.    Use toys. Most of the guys I talked to about what they’d like to see in a masturbation vid gave me a one-word answer: TOYS! The bigger and more colorful they are, the better! Doc Johnson’s 7-inch pink jelly dong with balls offers a large base to hold and manipulate the pretty pink cock. I also can’t resist the look of the glittery, 7-inch hot pink devil dick for video fun!

4.    The climax. Ladies, don’t let any orgasm go unseen. Play it up “When Harry Met Sally”-style for the camera. Scream, wriggle, writhe… even call out his name! Whether you cum with a toy or your own two fingers, make it one to remember. Ideally, you’ve set up the camera so he can view your face, too… Look straight into the camera for a sexy solo finale.

Guys, think about where you’re going to shoot that final cum shot, and how you’re going to make it special. Straight up in the air will offer a wonderful cascade of on-camera cum without creating a mess on the lens. You may want to set up a towel on the floor before you begin for easy clean-up. Again, don’t forget to ham it up with moans and groans.

A masturbation video is a perfect first foray into “film-making.” It’s easy to release your inhibitions with no one else around and with only one person involved and not a lot of large-scale movement, there are less logistical concerns. You can even use the video as a gentle way to show your lover what you really like.