Oprah’s making headlines again, but it’s not about weight loss, bestselling books or giving away lots of money (although it may turn out that way.) According to  US Magazine, a flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet filed a lawsuit late last week, after losing her job based on accusations that she had sex on the plane.

Flight attendant Corrine Gehrls said that fellow flight attendants Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus accused Gehrls of sex with chief pilot Terry Pansing. The accusations resulted in their termination. Although they passed lie detector tests, they were not re-hired. According to the US Magazine.com article, Gehrls is seeking “more than $75,000 in damages from Gooch, Bumpus and Harpo Inc., Oprah’s production company.”

My thoughts?
What kind of names are Gooch and Bumpus? Maybe they made the accusations out of jealousy; people with names like Gooch and Bumpus don’t strike me as the type to get laid on a plane (or anywhere else for that matter.)

But seriously… my next thought is that “more than $75,000” if you’re Oprah Winfrey really isn’t a lot of money to make this all go away. But it would set a dangerous precedent, because when does that type of thing stop?

And then, my mind wanders away from all this silliness as I drift into my own fantasy world… sex on a plane. Is it feasible?

The (apparently self-appointed) Minister of Common Sense says it’s not.  But the strength of his argument seems to lie in the fact that he doesn’t find it appealing, therefore, no one has ever done it. There are lots of things — from rubbing balloons on my private parts to watching puppets have sex — that don’t appeal to me. But that doesn’t mean some people don’t enjoy these fetishes. But back to sex on a plane…

How to have sex on a plane
The consensus seems to be the bathroom would be the most private place. Overnight (red-eye) flights are the best times. You should sneak out during drink service, when most people aren’t using the bathroom. Your partner should follow a minute later. Some people may notice and raise eyebrows, but, in all likelihood, no one will say anything. If a flight attendant catches you, one person should feign illness, thereby explaining why you’re crammed into the lavatory together. Hold your partner’s hand, request a ginger ale, and make your attempt on a different flight.

Once inside, (the bathroom, I mean) it won’t be comfortable. But you’re not doing this for the romance or the comfort, right? You want to join that exclusive group, the mile-high club. You’re on a quest!

With one partner straddling the toilet bowl, the other can penetrate from behind. Best of all, you have tissues and water at the ready for clean-up. That, in fact, may be the only good (or sanitary) thing about sex on a plane.

Keep in mind, if caught you can be charged with all sorts of embarrassing crimes, from disturbing the peace to “lewd and lascivious behavior.” It’s also illegal to disregard a flight attendant’s  orders. There is a chance, if you have sex on a plane, you’ll find police waiting for you at your destination. You probably won’t, as some people claim, get kicked out of the airplane, however.

Now that I’ve thought this through, I think I’d prefer to join the Mile-High Club this way: on a private plane with a bed, a bottle of champagne, and even a commemorative certificate.  Where else can you actually get an award for having sex?

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