It can be hard to say no to someone else. Most of us like to make other people happy. We don’t want anyone to be mad at us or stop liking us. We say yes to a lot of things we’d really rather not do for that reason.

Saying no can be particularly hard when it comes to someone you care about and want to impress, especially in the bedroom. Often a sexual partner will ask for things we aren’t really comfortable with. If you really want to keep that person in the relationship, it can tempt you to say ‘yes’ when you’re really feeling ‘no!’

It’s important to understand that this is the time for sexual honesty. Saying ‘yes’ while you’re feeling ‘no’ can only hurt your relationship. In time you will inevitably come to resent the unwanted sexual act and your partner. It’s hard to backtrack and repair this kind of damage once it happens.

You have every right to say no to a sexual act you don’t want to do, even if it’s just saying ‘no, I don’t feel like sex tonight’ or ‘no, I don’t feel ready to have sex with you yet.’ You are the only one living inside your body and the only one who really knows what is and is not acceptable to you. Don’t depend on your partner to ‘just know’ because chances are that unless you’ve been very specific, they don’t.

However, while it’s critical to say no when you mean no, it’s also important to say no in a nice way, particularly when the sexual act that was asked for may be viewed as something weird or ‘kinky’. When someone reveals an unusual sexual taste, they’re opening up a very intimate part of their psyche to you. It’s an act of trust. Don’t act offended or freaked out. Don’t judge their desires as sick or perverted. That can be extremely hurtful. That’s not something you really want to do to someone you care about.

Make it clear that what they want just doesn’t appeal to you personally, but then make sure that they know that while you reject the request, you are not rejecting them. Make sure your expression and body language are still positive, welcoming. Touch, stroke, take them in your arms. Suggest an alternate activity. For example, if your lover wants to spank you, you can say, ‘I’m really not into that and it’s not something I’d like to try. I like giving oral sex, though. Can we do that?’ Chances are that if this person really cares for you, they’d rather have oral sex with you than go spank someone else.

You run the risk that this person’s sexual needs are so overpowering that they can’t live without them being fulfilled. In that case, the relationship most likely won’t work, but it wouldn’t have worked if you gave in and did what you didn’t really want to do, either.

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