Everyone agrees that in our age of mass communication, more and more is being said and yet we are more and more confused about what’s being meant. This is never more true than about sexual issues and concerns between intimate partners or those starting to become more intimate. Sexual preferences, fetishes, forbidden zones, shame-and-blame games, and just plain common sex sense are important areas for discussion and understanding, but how and when do you open up what you fear might be a can of worms and hope might be a box of your favorite chocolates?

Understand this. Just as with good sex, good sex talk is all about timing. You can’t have a meaningful dialogue and settle issues of doubt or conflict when one of you is running out the door or locked away in a private fantasy world. You have to, as the old Beatles’ song says, “Come together.” Pick a time, make the time, and realize that a dialogue goes both ways. It’s not a lecture and it’s not a sermon. Make sure your partner knows that you are sincere in what you’re saying. Now: what are you going to talk about?

Sexually transmitted diseases and how to avoid them? Get online and get your facts in hand. Issues of intimacy? Try to keep the conversation from getting over-emotional. Lay out what you need and expect and listen to their needs and expectations, too, then find a compromise area where you’re both getting enough. Don’t expect to have it all your way nor let them have it all theirs. The middle of the road can be a satisfying place to stroll provided you both know and accept the traffic patterns.

Maybe you want to explore some new areas, new fetish play areas, or something of that sort. Don’t lay it all down like a make-or-break issue. Talk about how you believe it will add to the mutual pleasure and truly explore. Read some erotica together that deals with the issue. Maybe even check out some sensual, erotic film or video that presents the issue closely to how you feel it should be. It may work out and it may not, but you’ll have given it your best shot.

One of the most damaging sexual issues to work out is that green-eyed dragon, jealousy. Few people like to feel possessed. Outside of extreme Master/Mistress/slave relationships, partners want to feel their interest and affection is shared, not owned.

Sexual issues, particularly what we consider needs, can be strictly emotional, strictly physical, or a combination of both. If one of you feels their “satisfaction warranty” is not being honored or their sexual performance is being questioned, they naturally throw up a wall for self-protection. And walls make for poor communication.

Women feel threatened or demeaned when their (otherwise faithful) partners sometimes look at porn. Men feel their sexual performance is considered inadequate if she wants to bring a sex toy to bed. Come on, people, these are very often childish, adolescent concerns. Be adults; which means being understanding and open-minded to more than one rigid attitude about intimate things.

If you can’t get over the “there’s only ONE WAY, MY WAY!” then your intimate relationships are going to be tragedies until you change your way. Sexual intimacy is directly united to honest, up-front mutual communication. Sometimes it can be achieved through quiet, sincere discussion of sexual issues and other times it may border into a kind of laughing, joking stand-up routine in which you realize the “seriousness” of the issue isn’t a conflict, but a compromise.

If you want to introduce a new sex toy into the mix, for example, make it into something less threatening by saying “Hey, this might be fun for us to play with.” They’re not called toys for nothing, you know. While sexual relations between adults should be a beautiful, giving, sharing, and positive experience, that doesn’t mean that it can’t also just be fun sometimes because remember, when you’re laughing together, that’s intimate communication, too.

No Comments »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment