Sometimes talking is not the answer…

Talking

While talking things out is always a much better idea than just letting the issue fester, sometimes talking isn’t the right way to go about communicating the problem.  However that’s not to say that you shouldn’t communicate, it’s just saying that verbally speaking isn’t always the best way, especially considering how many other communications options we have nowadays.  My boyfriend and I actually rarely verbally speak about things when we’re having issues with something, even if it’s not something central in our relationship (eg – a behavior, something someone said, etc).  We don’t even usually talk about it in an instant message setting.

What we do is e-mail each other.  (Or Facebook message, though typically e-mail.)  The reason we do it this way is because we are still able to communicate what we need to, however we’re able to think it all through, make sure we’re factually correct if we’re citing a specific event and can make sure that we’re not being petulant or something.

Now that’s not to say that we’ve never had actual verbal arguments.  Sure we have, we’re human!  But when we have a choice, we take it to e-mail so that we can be clear and concise.  So we can ensure that we express ourselves thoroughly without name calling, trigger pushing or any other unavoidable negativity throwing.

There’s also another awesome reason to communicate via written word; if you’re suggesting trying something new.  The reason for this is that you’re able to be concise about what you’re saying; if you get jumbled in your words you’re able to take the time to sit back and find the right words.  You’re able to read over what you’re saying to ensure it’s actually what you’re wanting to express.  Also, if you’re wanting to include examples, photos, websites or things of that nature you’re able to insert those things to better help express your point(s).

Personally, things like this, while they may be a difficult subject matter, kind of make me feel good.  It’s nice to know that whomever is sending the email (or letter or card or whatever it may be) thinks enough of me and enough of the subject to put that kind of thought into it.

Truth is, by putting that kind of time and effort into your communication it’s very likely that you will learn something about your feelings and thoughts on the matter as well.  When you’re speaking, no matter how much thought you put into what you’re going to say, there’s always so much emotion in it, as well as spontaneity.  When writing you have that opportunity to think about what you want to say, type/write it, then read it before you send or give it to the recipient.  You’re able to show that the subject matter is important to you, as is communicating your feelings, thoughts and any expectations you have about it.

The long and short of it is that communication is hard.  No bones about it.  Sometimes the need to hash things out just flat out sucks! Communicating is hard work; saying things that may not be the nicest things to say and hearing things of the same nature.  Saying “Honey, you’re being an asshat” sometimes all that’s needed.  However, when you have to go into detail, it’s not easy.

But sometimes it has to be done, and being able to use a method that allows you to read over things and make sure that you’re not the one being the asshat, I think it’s something that should be used.  However; it can be seen as impersonal, so if it’s a method of communication you’ve never used before, I’d makes sure to put something in there as to why you’re doing it.  ”I am saying this in an e-mail because….”

At any rate; communicate!  Whatever you need to do to express what you need to express; do it.  Say it verbally, face to face, over the phone, around a corner.  Write an e-mail or letter, send a card.  When things stay unsaid they can fester and grow into something that’s much larger than it really needs to be.

In my next post I will give you some ideas on how to broach the subject of trying a new sex act that’s a bit more… taboo.

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