Your future…down the toilet?


jobinterview.jpgSo I have a friend that applied for this great job. He went on the first interview. And things went well. Then got called in for a second interview. He told me he was nervous as hell and he felt like he was supporting his local pharmacy with the purchases of that nice smelling cologne and plenty of rite guard.

Then he was told he was hired but that he needed to take a drug test first.

So now what was he going to do?

You see smoking a little bit of weed to relax yourself after a stressful day never hurt anybody, my friend was telling me, until you find out that you need to take a drug test…..who would of thought that you would have had to take one these things, he said. He thought that was only for the high net white collar worker not him. Anything but the truth.

So he picked up phone and start talking with a couple of friends about what to do and one of his friends tells him a story about a flight they took and that there was a Minnesota Vikings player who got stopped getting on the plane. Now when they went through this players luggage low and behold what did they find?

They found this device called the whizzinator.

whizzinator.jpg

Now what the hell is the whizzinator? You see, this whizzinator is a prosthetic penis that gets strapped on you, has a reservoir so that it can store clean urine and comes with a warm water bottle to keep your clean pee at body temperature.

Now he needed to take this drug test in two days and he had smoked yesterday so he was in dire straits. I know he really needed this job. Aimless to say he asked me to help him find this whizzinator so we went looking all over town in every shop and finally found one of these whizzinators at an online store. So he purchased this whizzinator.

He also found out that they also had this thing called Lyophilized pee. It was freeze-dried clean pee!!!!! Who would of though that all this stuff was for the taking?

Well it is.

So after all this he takes the drug test and guess what, he passes the test. I’m really wondering what their going come up with next?

I really need to get out of some tickets. Anything I can strap on for that?

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The Amazing Pocket Rocket Does It Again!


I took advantage of having the house to myself all afternoon to catch up on some work; porn site reviews mostly. It’s one of those things that I prefer to not do when someone else is home only cuz’ I would really hate to have my 90 year old grandmother walk in (without knocking of course!) and find me all flush faced in front of a pussy or cock or both spread across my monitor.

Being a mere human myself; I find it impossible to spend the day looking at porn and not get at least a little excited, so I did what any healthy gal with no worthy cock in sight would do and reached for my trusty Pocket Rocket. Thanks to my dirty little career choice I have quite a few vibes to choose from, but with limited time I thought it best to opt for the one that packs the most punch and is compact enough to hide away on a moments notice if need be. I had almost forgotten how fucking amazing this little vibe is!! Straight to the point with no fuss or muss (but a lot of mess!!!), this toy rocked my world in a matter of minutes! With all of my other ‘fancier toys’, I had taken for granted how powerful this simple and tiny vibe was. Today’s multiple orgasms helped me to rediscover a tried and true tool to get me off as efficiently and quickly as possible.

Bravo Pocket Rocket!!

-Adrie

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Ding Dong The Dick Is Dead! (Not Literally!!)


Why is it that we always seem to prefer the guys that we really shouldn’t?? I’m not just talking about the whole bad boy thing or someone who is forbidden cuz’ he’s already involved, but rather the guys that pay no attention to us and don’t deserve us??

In case you haven’t figured it out yet; I’m talking about ‘The Dick’. I recently began to feel bad for opting for this less than kind pseudonym that I use for him in this blog, but his behavior really seems to deserve it! Without getting too specific; ‘The Dick’ had decided to disregard my existence for no apparent reason. He just stopped talking to me one day without an explanation. I have heard several rumors as to what got his briefs in a twist and none of them valid enough to justify being such a jerk. I’ve heard it all, but one of his best friends put it the best when he said: “He has NO reason for the way he’s being. He’s just immature and he can’t handle the whole you and him thing. He’s a pussy!”

It’s funny as there was never really a “me and him” at all—just my silly crush and his starving ego! Anyhow, I—like an idiot—have tried to reach out to him and make peace but to no avail. You’d think I would have stopped after the tenth time or so, but instead, I continued to try. What makes a perfectly adorable girl who has plenty of suitors behave in this pathetic manner?? Seriously! I have people coming to me for advice all the time! I am the strong one who gets her friends to see the light and stop wasting time on the dicks, yet here I am allowing myself to be treated like shit by the Grand Puba of all Dicks! To avoid being sued I have to be vague with the deets, but lets just say that his latest lack of appreciation or consideration has lifted him to the highest possible level of ‘Dickdom’!

What astounds me more than my desperate behavior when it comes to him is his coldness. Who I thought was one of the smartest and most decent men on Earth just threw away a genuine friend for no good reason—one who was willing to put aside all of the bad treatment of late to be there for him in his time of need. Really wish I could give you the specifics here, but all I will say is that his recent lack of respect really takes the cake!

So here, in front of all you ladies—especially the ones who are being a silly as I have been (you know who you are)—I am taking a stand! If he acts like a dick then he is a dick!! I’m through with dicks once and for all! Wait! Need to clarify! When I say “dick”, I certainly don’t mean penis, cock, male appendage… could never give that up! *wink* I just mean; unkind men with no soul who are too stupid to spot a true friend and too spineless to know how to deal with a real woman! From this moment on, no matter how much I care for him, I will resist all temptation to speak to him or rush to his side in a time of need. It’s truly the end of an era and like all other hard things that didn’t kill me; it will make me stronger.

Thanks again for reading through my rant. I really hope that my humiliation and slap in the face are just what you need to exorcise the dicks in your life!!

-Adrie

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Casual Sex, Booty Calls, etc.


Seems that not everyone agrees with my view on ‘booty-calls’ and casual sex. Someone was surfing the archives of my blog The Accidental Sex Writer and came across a little ditty I wrote about a past encounter. I guess it was my referring to him as a “conquest� that got her panties in a twist.

Here it is and please feel free to tell me what you think of it. Personally, I still think it’s great. While it was written in fun and the writing itself isn’t my best—the context is hysterical and certainly something that strikes a cord with many whether they’re willing to get off of their high horse to admit it or not. Enjoy!

The Conquest

Our breaths drown out the television. It’s about time I got a kiss.

As your tongue makes its first appearance; I finally feel a little flutter within;

Maybe this will be fun after all—I had my doubts.

Aware of the size of your hands; my anticipation grows for what I haven’t yet seen.

I wriggle on top of you, until I’m where I want to be—at least for now

Our kisses grow hotter—you are beginning to surprise me!

I feel you growing beneath me and my feeling of power grows with you.

You mumble something kinda’ sentimental and I reveal my bra to stop you.

Success! You take my breast in your mouth and my body grows weak

‘Let’s move to my bed’ I say

I can’t believe you hesitate

‘I want more than this’ you pout with eyes of a puppy

‘Oh no, no!’ I shake my head

I reach down and grab you; causing your cock to shift in my hand.

You now have no choice but to follow me to my bed.

Each time you try to speak; I press a finger to your lips to stop you.

You think I’m being sexy. I know I’m just here for one thing.

I practically tear your clothes off and am strangely excited to see you have a tattoo. I run my tongue over it and you moan. I love how big you are and know the weight of your body will feel good.

I watch you as you slide off my panties—you’re making me drip.

And finally the money shot; you are a big boy indeed! This is my favorite moment:

I’m naked, you’re naked and you’re kneeling between my legs. The sweet anticipation of what’s next is dangling there; teasing me with brushes against my skin.

Our eyes meet and don’t let go as you come closer, until we are touching. I gasp as you push into the wet—reveling in the feeling of being filled. I close my eyes to savor your every slide in and out of me. I am almost lost in my own lust when your moans grow louder. At first proud of the feeling that I am responsible for, but, soon, just agitated by your voice. The moans are actually almost a whimper! How could it be? This sound from such a brawny man?!

I turn over; offering up a different view and entry to my pleasure. You pierce into me—Mmm… the sweet pain. Each thrust more filling than the last!

My mind goes fuzzy and I feel as if I am losing all sense as my head dangles, brushing the pillow with each push. I love every bit, but back come those sounds! So, I reach down into my own wetness and begin to work the bud; still your sounds continue. Each wave of pleasure from below makes it easier to ignore you.

As my body fills with ecstasy; I forget that you are there and my climax takes over.

I push into your hips and feel you slap hard against my ass. It pushes me over the edge and I spasm out of control. This feels too good—for you too, as you soon join me until we are both crying out in bliss.

We collapse onto the damp sheets; the experience still heavy in our breaths. You reach over to cuddle but that is not what you are here for, so I bid you good night. Wow—you almost look crushed as you sulk while you dress and I almost feel bad.

I give it one more thought and decide; there is no need to feel bad—I got all I needed from you. I know I was that great, but, in time; you’ll be over it.

I thank you as you walk out the door, knowing there will never be a next time and then

I return to my comfy bed; spreading out as I could only do alone.

I am exhausted and begin to drift into a hot dream of my next conquest.

It’s not you…

Adrie

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