Ah, fetishes. They can make sex even more fun and exciting, or – for the less enthusiastic partner of a fetishist – turn it into a banal chore.

In a prior post, we explored the medical and colloquial definitions of a fetish. But what if your partner has a fetish that isn’t exactly hampering his ability to function as a normal individual, but it makes you long for the days when sex was just, well, a little bit of foreplay, then penetration? No props, cameras, vinyl, rubber, leather, lace, balloons, puppets… you get the picture.

Is It a True Fetish?

Experts consider a fetish any sexual obsession that interferes with a person’s ability to function normally in work and social settings. But sometimes, when one partner has a fetish the other person doesn’t share, it can affect your sex life in a negative way – even if you previously enjoyed sharing in the fetish activity.

In fact, when a partner indulges their significant other in a fetish, that fetish can grow stronger until it turns into a problem for both parties. If your partner can’t get aroused without thinking about or using the fetish object, by all means, seek professional help or couples counseling.

If your partner can get aroused without the object, but chooses not to, he may not realize it’s grown stale for you. Chances are, you’ll be able to work things out on your own, without professional intervention. As with any other aspect of sex, communication is the key.

Remember, It’s Not You

Partners coerced into fetish activities often begin to feel they aren’t adequate on their own. “He only wants me for my feet!” might be a common complaint.

First, remember that his fetish has nothing to do with you. Even if it hasn’t turned into a full-blown addiction that requires treatment, it’s about the object, not about you. If he can’t get turned on without the object, that is because of him, not your level of attractiveness. If he can… then it’s time to talk to him about doing so every so often.

Conversation-starters

First, stress to your partner that you don’t want to abandon his fetish completely, but you’d like to try something that turns you on more every once in a while.

Suggest, kindly and when you’re outside the bedroom: “Would it be okay if we tried sex without [fetish object] once in a while, just for something different?”

Don’t be afraid to ask for the reassurance you need. Ask him straight out if he still finds you attractive. If he has a foot fetish, for instance, ask him to compliment other body parts, even if you have to fish for the compliments. Wear clothing emphasizing other body parts and then ask a question like, “Doesn’t this thong make my ass look tight?” Hopefully, he’ll get the idea that you want to focus on another body part for a change.

Transfer the “Object of Transfer”

A fetishist transfers his sexual feelings onto a specific, typically non-sexual, object. If the so-called fetish  is not so much about the fetish object, but about doing something daring, different and socially unacceptable in the bedroom, change it up.

If your partner is infatuated with dirty talk, try making a video instead. If he’s into being blindfolded, see if he’d be game to try being tied up instead. If he doesn’t have a true fetish by the clinical definition, but merely craves excitement and is turned on by taboo acts, he shouldn’t mind trying something different. Maybe he’s just fallen into a kinky rut and needs to explore other creative sex acts.

Fetishes, like any non-mainstream sex acts, aren’t inherently good or bad, but when one partner stops finding enjoyment in it, it’s time to pause and re-assess your sex life. It doesn’t mean you’re not good together as a couple, it just means you need to work on some aspects of your relationship. And who doesn’t?

In a previous blog, we showcased several costumes suitable for Halloween or everyday role-playing fun. They say clothes may make the man (or the woman) but it’s your imagination that brings the characters to life.

Like talking dirty, role-playing stretches your mind during sex, leading to an experience that is fulfilling on multiple levels. When your mind is on something else—creating a scene—pleasure is prolonged. All the senses come into play, and the physical is merely one aspect of the ecstasy. But it’s not easy to do if you’re self-conscious—either of your abilities to come up with a tantalizing storyline, or your ability to share your fantasies.

First, relax. Close your eyes. Put yourself in the moment. Then just start talking, saying whatever comes into your head. No one is asking for Hollywood-caliber screenwriting here. (Although we’re sure you can do better than some of the lines from the latest Mummy movie!)

If you’re playing doctor and nurse, for instance, you don’t need to re-enact a script from ER. Toss in some campy medical terminology if you’d like, but use your standard porno flick script as your model. The goal of most scenes is simply to get the couple screwing. If your dialogue is silly and you both start laughing, that’s okay. Go with it. Pretend you’re famous porn stars, playing a doctor and nurse in a flick, and you flubbed your lines. (The old scene-within-a-scene literary device.)

In between the cheesy come-ons, make sure to inject some of your fantasies into the game. You don’t need to create a drama; a climax or two is the only necessary element in this story. If you need some guidance, just answer the five questions of news writing:

Who? You and your lover, obviously.

What? Have fun with this one, build up anticipation for the act by detailing exactly how you want to rip that little white skirt off her)

When? Create a sequence of events to build passion and anticipation

Where? The operating table? Your office? The supply closet where the passing janitor may overhear you in the throes of passion?

Why? Compliment your partner profusely. You may also want to toss in a little back story: how you came to meet, how long you’ve been lusting after Dr. Goodbody, why now is the perfect time to release your unadulterated passion for each other.

Before you know it, the costumes will come off and then it’s your choice to continue your passion “play” or just fuck like mad. Happy acting!

When your lover says “talk dirty to me,” does your mind go blank and your tongue turn frigid? It’s tough to come up with creative, enticing, sexy statements that don’t sound like a bad porno.

In all likelihood, your lover doesn’t care exactly what you say, so long as you’re talking. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings, and describe your fantasies in as much detail as you can muster. You can always do a play-by-play, too, of what you’re doing to him or her—or what you’d like your lover to do to you.

But if you just can’t bring yourself to come up with enough dirty deeds and words to satisfy, why not let someone else do the hard part?

From Penthouse Magazine’s monthly letters (also collected in several books) to Anne Roquelaire’s Sleeping Beauty series, there’s enough erotica out there to keep you talking dirty for days.

It’s worth noting that some writers and readers choose to make distinctions between erotica and porn. Personally, I’ve always thought of erotica as having a plot and character development intertwined with scintillating sexual scenes. Porn gets straight to the sex.

When it comes down to it, however, the distinctions are irrelevant. Some couples may get turned on by the love scenes in a Harlequin romance, while others will seek the Fetish section of Literotica for their fix.

What makes books and stories better than off-the-cuff dirty talk? First, you can hide your eyes behind the book—a great bonus for someone who’s shy. Reading aloud can be even more titillating than talking dirty; it forces you to prolong the foreplay. Waiting to initiate sexual contact until the climax and resolution of the story can be hot! Trust me, you don’t want anything too long… no more than 10 pages or a few thousand words. The Wet collection features seven short, sensual stories that are perfect for reading aloud before bed.

Whatever your choice of–ahem–literature, here are a few tips for reading:

Take it slow. Take deep breaths between sentences, and pause after particularly racy scenes to let the experience sink in. Build tension by slowing down your speech.

You may naturally speak a little faster during action sequences or when the author uses a lot of short sentences in a row, but you never want to sound like you’re rushing to get to the next page.

Make sure to enunciate, don’t mumble. Also, don’t talk into the book as this will muffle your voice.

Use inflection. Remember those kids in school who used to read like robots? It was painful then, and it’s no fun to hear it now. Pretend you’re telling a story (which you are) and use natural inflection in your voice. If you can do it without sounding (or feeling) silly, you may even want to come up with different voices for different characters.

The first few times I read to my lover, I tried for a sexy, breathless “phone sex operator” voice and quickly discovered it was hard to keep up. Speak in whatever way feels natural to you, so long as it’s clear and slow. Most importantly, relax and enjoy the story yourself! That’s part of the fun!