Bring Sex Back into Your Life After a Baby

If you’re like most mothers — especially the mother of an infant or toddler — a weekend of hot sex is probably not topping your wish list this Mother’s Day. But it could be exactly what you need to connect with your husband and feel great.

Even after the requisite six weeks to heal following childbirth, many new mothers don’t feel like having sex. In fact, it can take a year or more for your sex drive to return to normal, if it does. Don’t expect it to happen on its own, either. Like most things worth having, an active, fulfilling sex life takes a bit of work, effort and time commitment.

New moms and new dads may be hesitant to return to their usual sex life following birth. Some reasons include:

• Fear of pregnancy (Mothers who don’t nurse — which provides birth control by temporarily halting ovulation — are extremely fertile during ovulation after giving birth)
• Lack of time
• Stress & exhaustion from being new parents
• Husband viewing wife in a different light now that she is the mother of his child (Freud’s Madonna-whore complex)
• Fear of physical pain

Some ob-gyns believe that some fathers may need time after childbirth to begin viewing their wives as sex symbols, again, after seeing those parts play a completely different (and kind of icky) role.

For some men, there may be elements of the “Madonna-whore” complex at play. A husband may not view his wife in a sexual way now that she’s become a mother. Couple this with exhaustion from the round-the-clock job of parenting and new pressures that come with being a parent, and you have a recipe to neglect sex.

In most healthy relationships, couples can solve this problem with a bit of discussion and by the mother/wife taking the initiative to think, feel and act sexy. Here’s where Vibrator.com can help.

5 Steps to a Sex Date with Your Spouse

Here are some exciting ways to spice up your Mother’s Day this year by planning a sex date with your spouse.

1. Find a babysitter you can absolutely trust. You can’t relax and enjoy yourself if one or both of you is worried about the little one. Whether your first date occurs when your infant is 6 weeks old or 6 months old (don’t wait longer than that!) you’ll need a sitter you can trust implicitly. Keep your cell phone on vibrate in case of emergencies, but don’t make it the focus of your attention.

2. Nail down a location for your sex date. If you’ve dropped the baby off at a sitter, you can go home and enjoy sex in your own bed — if you co-sleep, having the bed for just the two of you is reason enough to celebrate. If the sitter comes to your house, there’s no crime in pretending you’ll be at a movie and dinner and sneaking off to a hotel, instead. Sex in a hotel room could be especially fun for role-play, as it carries connotations of illicit hook-ups.

3. Dress the part. From head to toes — and especially everywhere in between — get your body ready for sex. Make sure to don your sexiest lingerie beneath your outfit, and maybe even tuck a negligee in your purse for later. Take time while you’re getting dressed to fantasize about the night. If possible, have the sitter arrive early so you can pamper yourself in the bath before the date. Concerned about extra baby weight you haven’t lost? Put it out of your mind. With or without a few added pounds, your husband is dying to see you in the type of sexy get-up you wore before you got pregnant.

4. Add an exciting toy to the mix — and we’re not talking about the kind you keep tripping over lately. If you need help relaxing and getting primed for sex, playing with sex toys can get the juices flowing rapidly.

5. Remember what made you fell in love — and lust — in the first place. It’s okay to go back to your “old standbys” as a couple — those moves that never fail to make you quiver. Talk, play, laugh — and bond. After your magical night is over, make a solid plan to do it again at least once a week, whether it’s a secret rendezvous while the baby sleeps or another “sex date night,” complete with sitter.

5 Fall Libido-Busters… and How to Get in the Mood Anyway

Summer’s over, the kids are back to school. Between new schedules to follow, braving the malls for back-to-school shopping, and finances stretched too thin, all this stress can make anyone’s libido lose its lustre.

Here are five of the more common, seasonal sex-drive busters… and how to combat them.

Libido-buster #1: Cooler weather. Studies have linked warm weather to an increased sex drive, especially in women. Sunlight elevates the production and secretion of Melanocyte Stimulating Hormone (MSH), along with increasing the production of feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin. Both chemicals are linked to increasing your sex drive.  It stands to reason, then, that as the days get shorter, bringing a little less sunlight into our lives, our sex drives drop.

Libido Enhancer: Take a walk. Treasure those last lingering days of warmth. Get as much sun as possible. Take a walk outside during lunch, savoring the scent of the fresh autumn air. The exercise and sunlight will boost your mood and put you IN the mood.

Libido-buster #2: Cold & allergy medications For some, the change in seasons brings about a cold or allergy symptoms. We often obliterate the runny nose and sniffles with a decongestant, but decongestant, by definition, are designed to dry us out – and they don’t affect just our nose and sinuses, unfortunately.

Libido Enhancer: Look to natural remedies, including neti-pots and Vitamin C. If you suffer from pollen allergies, eating a few spoonfuls of natural honey from your region may help. If you take a decongestant, use plenty of extra lube to counter the natural effects.

Libido-buster #3: Stress: The holidays haven’t even arrived but many of us are a bundle of nerves already. The good news is that sex is a great stress-buster… but you have to get in the mood first.

Libido Enhancer: Fake it till you wanna make it! I’m not advocating faking an orgasm, but there’s nothing wrong with pretending to be in the mood during foreplay. Turn your bedroom into a love sanctuary that allows you to lock out the world. Then relax and revel in the closeness between you and your lover and soon, you’ll find that your actions have actually changed your mood!

Libido-buster #4: Fatigue: New fall schedules may throw your entire household off-kilter, leaving everyone short on sleep and irritable.

Libido Enhancer: A good night’s rest: Remember, it really is best to get a full eight hours every night, and kids need more. Make sure the kids are going to bed early enough to rise without a fight. Get up (and go to bed) at the same times on weekends as weekdays to fight fatigue with a consistent schedule.
One big benefit of fall? The shorter days mean longer nights – think about turning in early after you put the kids to bed to rekindle the romantic spark of summer.

Libido-buster #5: Weight gain: Now that bikini season’s over, you may feel as if there’s less reason to watch what you eat. Cooler weather brings cravings for comfort food, which make it easier to pack on the pounds. Extra layers of clothing, too, can leave you feeling less than desirable.

Libido-enhancer: A new wardrobe? Back-to-school shopping isn’t just for the kids. If budget permits, treat yourself to a sexy new outfit. And don’t forget the lingerie. Then go home, take a hot bath, complete with candles around the tub and sensual suds. Slip on your new ensemble, and prepare to seduce your lover. You look wonderful, dah-ling!

Making Time for Sex

Many factors can dampen someone’s sex drive, including stressful events in your life. Late last year I posted some tips on how to boost your sex drive if stress has created problems in the bedroom. But what if a busy life has just left you flat-out too tired to tango?

This can happen to many couples, including:

-    new parents
-    people working two jobs because of the economy
-    couples caring for aging parents
-    anyone trying to manage a job, family life, and time for themselves!

If you fall into one of these categories, or many I haven’t thought of, there’s still hope for your sex life. Instead of thinking about creating the perfect romantic environment for a night of lovemaking, carve out time in your busy life for quickies. Steal moments whenever (and wherever!) you can.

Working too much? Schedule a lunchtime rendezvous.

Got kids? Remember, a locking bedroom door is your friend, but so is the shower, or that SUV parked in the garage. Check out this post to find other ideas for sex in strange places.

The bottom line? Make sex a priority, and then get creative and work together to find the time for it in your life.

These tips will help you speed up the process in order to get excited, get in, get satisfied and get out before the next emergency needs your attention.

· Gear up beforehand. Start dropping hints in the morning that promise your lover you will find a time for romance come evening. Leave cute notes where he’ll find them, or send him a dirty e-mail. (Make sure not to send it to his work account). Anticipation will make it easier to get revved up for an evening quickie.

·    Use toys and props. Do you typically need a while to get wet? Powerful clitoral vibes offer speedy satisfaction to get you ready for the main attraction, even making multiple orgasms a likely possibility.

·    Use lube. A little lube can also go a long way to get the party started.

·    Fantasize. Just like little teasing love notes, keeping sexy thoughts in your mind throughout the day will make it easier for you to gear up when you can steal a few minutes alone at night.

·    Wear sexy underwear. It sounds cliché, but try it! The feel of soft silk rubbing against your skin all day will make it very easy to get in the mood come evening. You can also take that idea to the next level and insert geisha balls an hour or two before lovemaking… few women would be able to stand the sexy feeling of geisha balls, also called Ben Wa Balls, filling them up all day long. You can remove the balls before sex, or keep them in for a special treat.

Sexual Problems Down Under?

In a recent post, I wrote about Everyday Turn-ons and mentioned the sexy things men do that have nothing to do with the deed.

It seems I wasn’t too far off the mark, and even have the backing of research professionals. Psychologist Professor Marita McCabe of Deakin University in Melbourne, Australia, recently commented, “Washing dishes can be foreplay.”

McCabe was discussing the surprising findings of a new study of 400 Australian women. The study showed that most women don’t exhibit sexual desire until after sex has begun.

Additionally, 60 percent of women believe their libido is unusually low. If 60 percent believe their libidos are lagging, this actually puts them in the majority. McCabe, then, wants to re-define what is “normal” for a woman’s sex drive.

“[I]f you’re working hard, if you’ve got kids, if you haven’t got much family support, it’s not surprising you’re not interested in sex at that time,” she said in one article. Women shouldn’t compare their sex drives to those of women on television, she asserted.

McCabe also noted that lack of communication and consideration from their partners are big turn-offs for most women.

I find the research sad, but believable. We all know Sex & the City and Desperate Housewives are not reality TV. Nevertheless, I’m concerned by McCabe’s seemingly defeatist attitude. Even if the proverbial “everyone” is doing it (or not Doing It, as the case may be) does that make it right? Should women resign themselves to a lackluster sex life?

I have to respond with a lusty, “No!”

Many factors, including fatigue, stress, work and children, according to McCabe, work against us when it comes to satisfying sexual encounters.

With a newborn in the house, I certainly understand what it means to be “too tired for sex.” But a good roll in the hay has been shown to energize us, reduce stress and bring us closer to our partners, which is good for our relationship and our family life. Ironically, the answer to overcoming minor sexual obstacles may lie in having more sex.

If you’re not turned on until you’re actually in the moment, that’s okay, too. It’s like the holidays: we suffer through the preparations and dread the celebration, imagining the worst. But once we’re in the moment, we have a damn good time.

I urge women – in Australia and across the world – to consider the results of McCabe’s study and use the knowledge to strive for something better. Whether it’s through toys, fantasies or just better communication with your mate, you can create the sexual experience you want.

You can also participate in a follow-up study by McCabe and postgraduate student Denise Goldhammer by completing an anonymous online questionnaire. The survey takes about 30 to 45 minutes and can be an interesting exercise, prompting an unbiased evaluation of your sex life from the person who knows best what is normal for YOU. As you answer the questions, think about what you can do to improve your love relationship, what areas are lacking, and what works for you and your partner.

How about you, Vibrator.com visitors? Are you in the 60 percent majority with a low libido or would your thoughts and actions make Carrie Bradshaw blush?

New Patch Could Boost Women’s Sex Drives

A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine shows that a testosterone patch, marketed by Proctor & Gamble Pharmaceuticals under the name Intrinsa, can enhance the sex drives of postmenopausal women. The patch is placed on the abdomen like the birth control patch and changed twice a week.

Participants in the study wore a patch that released either 300 micrograms of testosterone a day, a patch that released 150 micrograms, or a placebo patch. Women wearing the 300 microgram patch reported an average increase in their “satisfying sexual experiences” of 2.1 times every four weeks. Researchers called the improvement “modest but significant.”

The study was funded by the manufacturer of the patch, following the FDA’s denial of approval for use of the patch in the U.S. in 2004. The FDA cited a lack of long-term safety data as the reason for denial, and the results of the study indicate that further research is still required.

While one of the minor side effects of the hormone therapy—unwanted hair growth—did not bother any of the test subjects enough for them to discontinue use of the patch, a potential, if tenuous, link to breast cancer is more disturbing.

During the study, four out of 814 women receiving either 150 microgram or 300 microgram doses of the hormone were diagnosed with breast cancer, compared to no women in the placebo group. In an article posted on Health.com, Lead Researcher Susan R. Davis, MD, PhD, of Monash University in Australia, called it a “chance finding” that four women in the treatment groups were diagnosed with breast cancer, noting that four breast cancer diagnoses among 814 women during a two-year period is “not unexpected.”

Nevertheless, it seems like a dangerous chance to take for a drug that yields only modest improvements to a woman’s libido.

Not to minimize the impact that menopause and a lack of estrogen can have on a woman’s sex drive, but I’d urge women to investigate more natural methods to boost their libido first, keeping in mind that the most powerful sex organ is the brain. This may be even more true for women than for men; fantasy alone can be a powerful aphrodisiac, as can sexy lingerie, the right mood, and (of course) the right lover’s touch.  Lack of lubrication is a true physical symptom in postmenopausal women, but there are plenty of safe lubricants available to solve that stumbling block.

Even if Intrinsa does become available as a “viagra for women,” satisfactory long-term safety trials could mean five years or more before the patch finds its way to a drugstore near you. And if the drug alone yields a marginal improvement in the sex lives of postmenopausal women, combining it with natural mood enhancers should raise the bar for amazing sex well into a woman’s golden years.

Too Stressed for Sex?

Change of weather. Colds and flu. Back-to-school. Holiday displays side-by-side with back-to-school sales. Is there anything about fall that isn’t stress-inducing?

Experts agree that sex is a great stress-buster. But getting in the mood with a million things on your mind isn’t easy. Contrary to clichés and popular belief, lack of a sex drive affects both genders when life gets hectic.

Some people, however, turn to sex when things get tough. Are these lucky types naturally conditioned for this healthy response, or have they trained themselves over time to know that sex will make them feel better, so why not just do it?

When two partners handle stress differently—one turning to carnal diversions, the other shutting down—that just adds another stressor to your life. You crave more nooky while your partner crawls further into that emotional hidey-hole (and not the fun one, either!)

So what’s a stressed-out, horny girl or guy to do? Sure, you could turn to Vibrator.com’s huge array of toys, but sometimes you crave emotional intimacy, too. Try these tantalizing seduction tactics to show your partner that the studies are right—sex is a stress-buster.

• Don’t push, just suggest. Every lover should have at least one move that she knows makes her partner melt; it’s time to use it. This soft-core tactic should work if the stress level isn’t too high – particularly if it’s been a while for both of you.

• Start with massage. Non-threatening, relaxing and seductive, if a massage doesn’t end in one of your favorite positions that night, it may just give your partner the stress relief she needs to get in the mood the next day. Or maybe she’ll be so appreciative of the massage, she’ll feel she “owes you one.” Either way, mission(ary) accomplished.

• Play. My husband and I play paintball together, bicycle regularly, and are always on the lookout for other fun athletic activities. Since exercise (much like sex) boosts your mood and alleviates stress – and extreme sports or healthy competition creates an adrenaline rush that helps you forget all your problems – fun vertical activities may lead to horizontal adventures.

• Get away. Who has time or money for a vacation right now? If that’s out of the question, take a weekend trip: no cell phones, no lap top, no Blackberry.  Make sure to pack the lingerie and the water toys, but don’t put pressure on your partner. You’re there to relax. If he’s not feeling better by Saturday afternoon, try some of the tactics above.  A nice hotel or cozy Bed and Breakfast just a few hours away from home is a great place to try these diversions.

Do Aphrodisiacs Exist?

From rhinoceros horns to Spanish Fly, even oysters and chocolate-covered strawberries, mankind has relied on natural foods and herbs to boost his libido. But do they work?

According to an FDA report published in 2006, probably not.

But you don’t have to believe the FDA. Even renowned sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer has been quoted as saying, “There’s no such thing as a true aphrodisiac.”

It’s more likely that an aphrodisiac’s power lies in a person’s belief that it works… the old placebo effect. The mind is our most powerful sex organ, so if we believe a food will make us sexy, sensual and desirable, it will.

A food’s desire-boosting abilities may also have more to do with the environment in which it is eaten than the food itself. Sucking down oysters during a candlelight dinner, soft music playing, champagne sparkling in fine crystal flutes… Who wouldn’t begin to feel amorous?

The placebo effect is definitely powerful. That’s why certain foods, due to their nutritional value, the physiological effects they have on your body, and centuries of folklore, are considered highly effective aphrodisiacs.

Amy Reiley, author of Fork Me, Spoon Me: The Sensual Cookbook likes ginger, because it makes your tongue tingle and swells your lips, turning them red and kissable, and also raises your body temperature slightly.

You won’t get these effects from a can of Canada Dry, though. Try some fresh ginger in a crisp veggie stir fry or make your own homemade ginger ale to really experience the powerful herb.

Discovery Health recommends asparagus, chili peppers and chocolate for their stimulating powers. Asparagus is rich in Vitamin E, thought to stimulate production of sex hormones. Chili peppers release capsaicin, a chemical that stimulates our nerve endings and also releases endorphins. And dark chocolate—in addition to its creamy, sweet taste and sensual texture—contains phenylethylamine, which gives us a natural high. Recent studies show that dark chocolate not only makes us feel good, it’s good for the heart, too.

Even if the aphrodisiac effect in these foods is purely psychological, nutritionists and sex experts agree that healthy foods are more likely to have long-term positive effects on your sex drive by giving you more energy and helping you look and feel better.

But there’s one aphrodisiac that won’t even count toward your daily caloric intake: regular exercise. The release of testosterone during workouts, along with feel-good endorphins and adrenaline, has been shown to boost the sex drives of both men and women.

A friend of mine says he’s started having sex three times a day since he began working out. I know an hour of bicycle-riding on the weekend always puts me in the mood. Besides, regular exercise will help you look better, feel better about yourself, and give you more energy. What’s not to love about that?