To laugh or not to laugh…

The last time my boyfriend and I had sex we enjoyed a lot of laughing.  So much laughing i was wondering if we were going to get pat it and actually get busy! It was fun though.  We poked at each other, picked on each other, laughed together and smiled a lot.  It was wonderful.

As much as slow, romantic situations are wonderful and passionate, spur of the moment quickies are incredible, it seems like that’s always what we want and we don’t let whatever happens, happen.  We get so wrapped up with everything having to be “just so.”   The thing is, the only “right” way to have sex is consensually.

One of my favorite things to do is to roll around in bed laughing with my boyfriend.  Whether or not we end up fornicating is not important.  It may take longer to get there, we may have a couple hiccups (last night I had grabbed onto his penis and then he turned away, though I didn’t know he was going to turn and I was laughing so I didn’t notice until it was too late and he goes “oowwwww”) but they create memories and things you can laugh at going forward.

The thing is, pretty sex doesn’t exist.  Sex is messy, usually loud, and involves exchanging bodily fluids.  You sweat, swear, scream, moan, maybe drool, get your make-up messed up, your hair becomes a mess and typically need a shower afterwards.  Not to mention, for women (especially if no condom is used) we get to enjoy having semen in us for a day of two, often dripping down our thighs.  Yea, sex is very messy.

My thought is that we need to worry less about it all and just enjoy what’s happening.  Don’t get caught up in “oh we were supposed to have sex!  Not laughing and making jokes!” or stuff like that.  Just go with the flow and enjoy spending time with your lover.  Believe me, the stress reduction will make all the difference.

The Benefits of Not Sleeping Together

For the first time in over 2 weeks my boyfriend and I slept in the same bed again.  Heh, if only the reason for us sleeping in different beds was exciting!  Truthfully it was ‘cuz he messed up his back and needed to sleep on something else, something with a different firmness.  It was really nice, sleeping with him again.  He’d been out of our bed for… gosh… probably 3 weeks.

When he laid down in bed with me it was almost like the first time we slept together; it was new and exciting.  I remember we turned and faced each other and joked around.  We giggled, poked and tickled each other, laughed, talked and ended up holding hands with our legs and arms intertwined.  It was wonderful.

It was so nice because it was like doing that was new again.  Sharing a bed with someone is really quite intimate, and like everything else, once it’s something that happens every single day and you get into a routine it becomes normal, less special.

At first, while I totally understood why he needed to switch his sleeping places I was still a little irritated.  No matter how much you know something there’s almost always that little voice in the back of your mind whispering negative things, eating away at your self confidence and what you know.  After a couple days I got used to it and truthfully I kind of enjoyed having the whole bed to myself.  There was even a small part of me a little disappointed that I would be relegated back to just my side of the bed.  However, once we got back into bed together it was wonderful, intimate and has increased our sexual desire for each other again.

I’m actually thinking of after a few months, we should do this again!  Whether or not it’d be him or me displaced doesn’t matter.  A couple weeks separate from each other can re-set the intimacy and desire again, and really help you appreciate the joys of sharing your sleeping space with someone.  If you’re stuck in one of those ruts, I highly recommend sleeping apart for a few nights.  While 2-3 weeks may be a bit much unless it’s for a back problem or something, just a few nights in the spare bedroom or on a couch can really help you to appreciate the subtle romanticism and the intense intimacy sleeping in the same bed with your lover has.

How to bring up trying a taboo sex act

Blow? Suck?

Face it.  No matter who you are, no matter your religion, your sexual experience, your moral values, where you live, your shape or size, no matter anything, there comes a time when you want to try something “taboo” with your lover.  Or yourself.

So first, let’s look at what taboo is.  Basically, something is taboo when there’s a strong social “ban” on it.  So, according to society to do activity x, y, or z is bad.  Then that activity is taboo.  Even if it is perfectly legal.  Taboo does not mean illegal or legal.  Just that according to society at large, to do that act is abhorrent or objectionable.

Due to the taboo nature of many sex acts, it can be difficult for someone to bring it up to their lover, even if they’ve been together for years.  Now, each relationship is unique; everybody communicates in their own way just as each relationship has it’s own best system(s) of communication.

However, when you haven’t ever talked about it before, for a lot of people, suddenly saying “Baby, get on your hands and knees I wanna fuck you in the arse” typically isn’t the best idea to go about it.

When it comes to trying new things in bed, many people can be very touchy about the subject.  Often it’s due to their upbringing, but whatever the reason those persons feelings must be taken into account and honored and respected. Doing anything less simply shows that you don’t care about the other persons feelings and is/can be very detrimental to your relationship with them.  By taking their feelings into account you’re showing them that they matter to you, that their opinion is important to you

So, especially when you’re asking them to try something they’re not familiar with, make sure to be prepared to answer questions.  And also be kind about it, don’t, in any way, even begin to insinuate that they’re stupid or naive for asking.  Also, be prepared to offer up examples and educational materials.  These could be instructional/informational videos or books , maybe even a website or two.

Another good idea is if you’re wanting to try a new toy or type of toy it wouldn’t be a bad idea to actually buy a simple version of one so they can see it, feel it and get an idea of what it is before you’re actually in the moment of sex play when you’d want to try it. Get one that’s simple and unassuming, and preferrably a litle bit on the cheaper end so that if they don’t like it or that particular type of sex play doesn’t work for you you’re not out a lot of money.  You can always get a nicer one if it ends up being something you both like and want to try again.

There’s a few other things to remember.  First off, don’t be demanding.  Demanding can be construed as force, and force is horrible, bad and illegal.  Also, it can cause your partner to feel guilty if they’re not interested in which case they may do it anyway, despite not wanting to.  That can really get you into troubles and problems you wouldn’t want.

Also, you have to understand and be okay with the fact that not everyone likes everything.  Be understanding, compassionate and accepting if your partner genuinely tries something new for you and doesn’t like it.  Be willing to gently suggest trying it another way (perhaps with a different toy, a different position or maybe in a different place).  Also allow them time before trying it again if they’re not wanting to jump right back into it.

All in all, trying something new can be difficult for some people, regardless of the reasons for it.  And this needs to be respected and honored.  But at the same time, trying something new can really bring flavor and excitement back into your sex life.  Talk about it, bring it up, hide a book about it in their briefcase or on their pillow, leave a video of it when you’re going out of town or give a new toy as a gift.  However you do it; do it and be empathetic about it.  You won’t regret it.

Sometimes talking is not the answer…

Talking

While talking things out is always a much better idea than just letting the issue fester, sometimes talking isn’t the right way to go about communicating the problem.  However that’s not to say that you shouldn’t communicate, it’s just saying that verbally speaking isn’t always the best way, especially considering how many other communications options we have nowadays.  My boyfriend and I actually rarely verbally speak about things when we’re having issues with something, even if it’s not something central in our relationship (eg – a behavior, something someone said, etc).  We don’t even usually talk about it in an instant message setting.

What we do is e-mail each other.  (Or Facebook message, though typically e-mail.)  The reason we do it this way is because we are still able to communicate what we need to, however we’re able to think it all through, make sure we’re factually correct if we’re citing a specific event and can make sure that we’re not being petulant or something.

Now that’s not to say that we’ve never had actual verbal arguments.  Sure we have, we’re human!  But when we have a choice, we take it to e-mail so that we can be clear and concise.  So we can ensure that we express ourselves thoroughly without name calling, trigger pushing or any other unavoidable negativity throwing.

There’s also another awesome reason to communicate via written word; if you’re suggesting trying something new.  The reason for this is that you’re able to be concise about what you’re saying; if you get jumbled in your words you’re able to take the time to sit back and find the right words.  You’re able to read over what you’re saying to ensure it’s actually what you’re wanting to express.  Also, if you’re wanting to include examples, photos, websites or things of that nature you’re able to insert those things to better help express your point(s).

Personally, things like this, while they may be a difficult subject matter, kind of make me feel good.  It’s nice to know that whomever is sending the email (or letter or card or whatever it may be) thinks enough of me and enough of the subject to put that kind of thought into it.

Truth is, by putting that kind of time and effort into your communication it’s very likely that you will learn something about your feelings and thoughts on the matter as well.  When you’re speaking, no matter how much thought you put into what you’re going to say, there’s always so much emotion in it, as well as spontaneity.  When writing you have that opportunity to think about what you want to say, type/write it, then read it before you send or give it to the recipient.  You’re able to show that the subject matter is important to you, as is communicating your feelings, thoughts and any expectations you have about it.

The long and short of it is that communication is hard.  No bones about it.  Sometimes the need to hash things out just flat out sucks! Communicating is hard work; saying things that may not be the nicest things to say and hearing things of the same nature.  Saying “Honey, you’re being an asshat” sometimes all that’s needed.  However, when you have to go into detail, it’s not easy.

But sometimes it has to be done, and being able to use a method that allows you to read over things and make sure that you’re not the one being the asshat, I think it’s something that should be used.  However; it can be seen as impersonal, so if it’s a method of communication you’ve never used before, I’d makes sure to put something in there as to why you’re doing it.  ”I am saying this in an e-mail because….”

At any rate; communicate!  Whatever you need to do to express what you need to express; do it.  Say it verbally, face to face, over the phone, around a corner.  Write an e-mail or letter, send a card.  When things stay unsaid they can fester and grow into something that’s much larger than it really needs to be.

In my next post I will give you some ideas on how to broach the subject of trying a new sex act that’s a bit more… taboo.

Intimacy

Intimacy is something that I think is sadly lacking in most relationships nowadays.  So often when I’ve been a part of a conversation about intimacy, be it a face-to-face discussion or online, people typically say “Ohh, we have a good sex life!” or “We have a lot of sex!” Well, intimacy is not sex!

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Sex IS intimate!  LOL You’re putting part(s) of one body inside another!  Your juices are mingling together, you’re causing each other indescribable pleasure.  You could possibly be making a baby!! Yea.  That’s intimate.  You’re also trusting one another to not go too far; I’ve heard from many men that it takes a lot of trust to let a woman give them head; the chance of getting bit is very scary for some men.

My boyfriend and I are not intimate in the sense of romance.  Neither of us is romantic, y0u won’t find him buying me flowers (which I’m thankful of; they just die anyway) or sprinkling petals leading me somewhere or anything like that.  And it’s fine with me because it works for us.  We don’t take baths together (though we regularly shower together and wash each other) or whisper lovey dovey stuff to each other.

However, we hold hands when we’re in bed together.  We hold hands while watching tv and almost always touch each other.  We listen to each other and do our best to always honor each other’s quirks, ticks and idiosyncrasies.  I’ve checked the definition of the word “intimacy” on more than one source and the main theme is that intimacy is actually a descriptor of very close relationships.   A relationship in which you are very close with the other person, such as siblings, best friends, parent/child and so forth.

I have intimate, non-sexual relationships with many, mostly female actually.  There’s actually a couple of females that I’m very close with, have very intimate relationships with, and it’s not at all sexual.  Sexuality and intimacy are, for the most part, exclusive.    A trusting, close relationship does not beget sex, and sex does not beget a close, trusting relationship.

More than anything though, I think it saddens me (actually often makes me angry) that so many people see sex a necessity for an intimate relationship.  Relationships with parents and siblings are getting more cold and distant, so many relationships with friends are nothing more than partying and then it’s like, once you get close enough with someone to actually be intimate, it’s suddenly seems to be a requirement that you also be sexual with them.  And the part that is really weird for me is how that assumed sexual requisite is sometimes not even from the people in the relationship!  It’s an assumption from those who  are not a part of the relationship and, for whatever reason, have a difficult time seeing close relationships between people who are not lovers.  It’s unfortunate, really.

For those that do have intimate, non-sexual relationships, they often get teased about it; being called gay, people assuming that you are indeed having sex with the person and not taking no for an answer (which can then lead to even more unpleasantness if someone says they’re lying), and so forth.

More and more, however, we are seeing non-sexual intimate relationships crop up.  From bro-mances to heterosexual lifemates (2 people of the same gender who are living together, have an intimate life-long companionship but are not sexual with one-another) it’s becoming more and more prolific.  H0pefully with how much more common it’s becoming the understanding of it will also become more common.

What are your thoughts on how intimacy and sex are two totally separate things?

Sex and the Health Care Reform Bill

There’s one thing members of both major political parties agree on: The U.S. needs some type of health care reform. From there, though, opinions diverge wildly.

The 2,032-page bill introduced by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) outlines a national healthcare plan with some very good points. For instance, the bill:

• prevents insurers from denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions
• caps personal financial liability when someone faces a medical emergency
• prevents insurers from dropping people who become ill

Two of the key sticking points in the plan passed in November by the House of Representatives and now facing the Senate are – not surprisingly — sex education and abortion funding. The old adage rings true: in the end, it always comes around to sex.

Sex education, not abstinence teaching, supported
One provision of the bill, titled the “Healthy Teen Initiative to Prevent Teen Pregnancy,” supports taxpayer funding of sex education proven, through evidence-based research, to:

• delay sexual activity in teens;
• decrease the number of sexual partners;
• reduce teen pregnancy;
• reduce sexually transmitted infection rates; or
• improve rates of contraceptive use.

Abstinence-based programs, all the rage in many schools recently, will not be supported by tax dollars. According to some sources, the provision considers the abortion drug RU-486 as “contraception,” along with Plan B (the morning-after pill), IUDs, birth control pills and condoms.

Taxpayer-funded abortions nixed
While the conservative community may have lost the battle over sex education, an amendment to the bill barring federal funding for abortions, however, can be viewed as a conservative victory. In fact, it’s much more than that — it’s politicians listening to the majority of their constituents based on poll results.

A CNN poll showed that 61% of Americans (across all political parties) oppose using public funds to cover abortion. Thirty-seven percent are in favor of taxpayer-funded abortion. Slightly more than half believe all abortions should be paid for out of pocket, rather than through any insurance at all.

It’s interesting to note, however, that of respondents to a Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life survey, only 3 % cited abortion funding as a reason to oppose health care reform. Yet our legislators have turned this into a hot-button, make-or-break issue.

What do opponents really dislike about the bloated health care reform bill? The two highest-ranking responses, tied at 27 % each, were: “it’s too expensive” and “don’t want government involved in health care.”

When you consider the post office, Department of Motor Vehicles, Social Security and other government-regulated programs, it’s amazing the numbers for the latter response weren’t higher.

I firmly believe Americans need to take more responsibility for their health as a whole, in the form of healthy eating, frequent exercise, and common sense wellness care. But if I do get sick, I don’t want the government in charge of the tools that can assist me in healing. This firmly overrides any other issue relating to the health care reform bill, all of which seem to make sizzling headlines.

Health care reform good for LGBT Community
Too much government involvement aside, there are a few bright points to the legislation. One provision eliminates the hefty tax penalties non-married partners — a large percentage of which are gay or lesbian — face when they put their partner on their health insurance plan. As someone who lived with my (opposite sex) partner nearly seven years before we got married, this makes all sorts of sense to me. Marriage, again, should be a personal choice based on love, not economics.

Additionally, the bill prohibits discrimination in health care based on “personal characteristics extraneous to the provision of high quality health care or related services.” This includes gender and sexual orientation.

Certain parts of health care reform are on the right track. But the question remains: Will the bill pass before 2009 ends?

Gettin’ with the Bridesmaids

The flowers, the kiss, lonely single girls in big, poufy dresses … there’s something about a wedding that screams “romance”—and not just for the lucky couple.

I recently attended a wedding where one usher went home with two 20-year-old girls and another groomsman spent the night flirting with every lady on the dance floor – from the groom’s grandmother to his 30-year-old (hot, blonde…) niece.

Blogging about how to hook up at a wedding would be an extremely short article. “How do you know the bride/groom?” works as a pick up line. From there, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel — or tossing a bouquet into a raging crowd of single women.

Why do wedding hookups rock so much?

1.    You’re both “all cleaned up” already looking your best, so it’s easy to impress.
2.    The booze and food is on someone else—how can it get any better?
3.    There’s no expectation the relationship will last beyond the night.
4.    If you decide you’d like it to last, you already have something in common (your relationship with the bride and groom).

Besides, let’s be brutally honest here. Watching another couple, blissfully in love, whose sole purpose is to share their love on The Biggest Day of Their Lives puts the unattached in close, lonely contact with their single-ness. Whether you’re sitting at the “singles table” or merely scrambling for the bouquet so some lucky bachelor may get to cop a feel while he puts the garter on your leg, few situations make you more aware of your own relationship status or biological clock ticking in double time. (I’m married now, but I’ve “been there, done that,” dear readers.)

This state of mind makes the ladies and the men equally likely to yearn for a partner, even if just for the night. Nobody wants to be alone at a wedding. That’s not to say everyone attending a wedding is desperate for companionship every other day of the week. But let’s face it, from the bride and groom’s first dance, love is in the air.

Why not take the opportunity to challenge yourself? Do you want to be the lucky guy who beds two coeds? Want to make love in the bathroom of a posh hotel. Go for it. When you don that tux or little black dress (or pink taffeta, in the case of bridesmaids) you can become someone else. And when the DJ plays that “Last Dance,” the night doesn’t have to be over until the morning.

Having said all this, here’s a funny story about how NOT to hook up at a wedding.

Rekindling the Spark

Any long term relationship is bound to get a little mundane every now and then. Even the sickly sweet, madly in love couples eventually get distracted with children, bogged down in debt, and stressed by work and social commitments. Having sex with the same person after a few years can be like eating the same meal day in and day out: It may be delicious and your absolute favorite, but something about it leaves your pallet wanting a new taste.

This is common among married couples or long-term partners and is generally not an indication of how you feel for each other. Unfortunately, sometimes the wires get crossed and we react by withdrawing, having affairs, or taking out that unfulfilled anger on our loved ones.

Your relationship does not have to be over. Focus your energy on igniting new desires and sustaining the ones that brought you both together to begin with. Here are a few ideas to help get the blood pumping.

Watch an XXX movie together

While it’s true that many couples initially reject the idea, most will try it at least once. Women like pornography too! (Most don’t like to admit it, but the right kind of movie can turn her on instantly.) It is advisable to steer clear of anything too extreme unless you’re keenly aware of your partner’s interests and fantasies. Remember, this is about turning your partner on and not about sending your partner running for the hills. Exploring what gets you both in the mood can be a new learning experience.

Set the atmosphere

Write your partner a modest song or poem. Lay a trail of her favorite candy from the door to the shower where you’ve thoughtfully placed a dozen roses. Be open with your feelings and don’t be afraid to tell your partner how much you love them. Light some candles or incense. This should set the fire in both of you.

A bit of BDSM

Many people are secretly aroused by the thought of being tied up. Play cautiously in this area as you are exploring each others’ boundaries and trust. Bring an article of clothing like a necktie to bed. Test the waters by gently restraining your partner’s hands and wrists during foreplay. Pay close attention to your partner’s reactions. If all seems well then reach for the necktie and slowly and loosely place the tie around your partner’s wrists. Kiss and caress your partner and take your time! Like in many aspects of your relationship, communication will be key.

Putting food to good use

Strawberries and whipped cream are the staples of erotic foods and can be sensually fed to your partner in or out of the bedroom. Run a honey covered finger across your partner’s lips and see how quickly your finger ends up in her mouth. Covering your lover in whipped cream and licking it off may sounds cliché, but it does work for some. Feeding your partner resembles kissing and fellatio, and if discreetly performed outside the bedroom, act as occasional reminders of sexy things to come. Advancing these ideas in a public place may help you discover the exhibitionist or voyeur in the person you thought you knew so well.

Throughout your fast-paced days, take the time to slow down and be in the moment with the one you love. Listen to each other. Compromise. Be caring and compassionate. Above all else, be attentive to your partner’s needs, both in and out of the bedroom.