Holiday Cheer

Spice up your holidays! Make that special someone in your life stand up and take notice!

This time of year we usually reflect on the previous year and find the bright spots and the regrets. We are thankful for the bright spots and look to see what caused the regrets. Often, we find that the spark may be going out of our relationship. Life has it’s up and downs and it usually takes it toll on us and in turn on the ones we love. Whether it be a financial situation, the loss of a loved one, stress at work, etc.,  we tend to take it out on the one closest to us.

Take a step back, reevaluate and do something out of the ordinary to rekindle that spark. Think of something that would really turn your partner on.  Maybe he/she has been talking about trying something new. Maybe adding some sexual aids to your foreplay. Try it. It doesn’t have to be something like bondage. It could be something as simple as a flavored lubricant. Just the thought of trying something new could turn your partner on. But stay within your comfort zone. Don’t so anything that will make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes just changing the “routine” can do a world of good. Showing that you care enough to put the effort in can go a long way. And you might be surprised to find that by trying to please your partner you are pleasing yourself in the process. Have fun. Relax. Enjoy! It’s not just about the sex, it’s about the intimacy and the caring. Take the time to appreciate what you have and cherish it.

Make this holiday season not just about the hustle and bustle of shopping for the perfect gift. Make it about spending time with your partner and rediscovering each other. Try to remember what made you fall in love with him/her in the first place and go from there. Sometimes going back to the basics is the best bet. Remember what you love about him/her. What makes you smile when you think about being together?  Sometimes just putting some thought into a relationship is all it takes to spark it up.

After you’ve considered all of your options, act on it. Put on that sexy outfit. Or maybe just a bow. Surprise your lover with you for Christmas!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

A breakdown of sex toys.

There’s a lot of different kinds of sex toys out there.  So I thought I’d break some of it down for you, to help separate some of the toys, what they are, what they’re typically used for, and how they’re used.

The Dildo

Perhaps the most recognizable sex toy, the dildo has been around for longer than many people realize.  Dildos come in shapes from realistic (meaning it looks very much like a real penis, typically uncircumcised) to unrealistic, possibly looking like a rose or some other, non-penile shape.

Dildos are typically used for vaginal penetration, though some are also able to be used for anal penetration.  For safety purposes, only use dildos with a flared base and that are also non-porous (so that they may be sterilized) for anal penetration.

Typically non-intimidating, a dildo is often the first sex toy a woman will purchase.  They are simple to use, don’t usually require batteries and come in a wide variety of sizes, colors and shapes.

The Vibrator

Vibrators really are more than a dildo that vibrates. For the most part, vibrating dildos are simply dildos that have a slot for a small vibrator (typically a bullet.)  They are typically realistic in shape and made of a soft material.  Actual vibrators, on the other hand, are made around the motor and vibrator, meaning that the vibrator is not removable.

Vibrators come in endless colors, shapes and sizes, as well as types.  From rabbits to g-spot vibrators to clitoral vibrators there is a vibrator made for any purpose.  As they sound, g-spot vibrators are made with a “hook” or nub at the end of it, to help the user reach and then stimulate the g-spot.  The clitoral vibrators are round and thin, without much substantial size so that one may target the clitoris.  Many clitoral vibrators can sit snugly between the labia.  Rabbits have a shaft for internal vaginal stimulation as well as a clitoral stimulator, so that both areas may be stimulated simultaneously.

Typically run on batteries, many sex toy companies are getting on the green bandwagon and making their sex toys rechargeable.

Vaginal Balls

Vaginal balls are small, body safe balls that typically are hollow, with another weighted ball inside of them.  Most vaginal balls are two balls, connected by a string with another retrieval string at the end of one of the balls.   A few are single balls with a retrieval string, and also you can find some which have no retrieval string, that you remove by simply using your pc muscles.  Some, like the Luna Balls offer a couple different options, working with one or two balls of different weights.

Vaginal balls are excellent for women who have had children and/or who are experiencing difficult controlling their bladder.  The reason for this is that doing regular exercises with vaginal balls (or kegel exercises without the balls) most certainly help strengthen the pc muscles.  This will increase your continence and there are many instances where this increased muscle control will also increase the pleasure you receive during sex.

The vaginal balls strengthen muscles by you holding them in.  They are weighted, so you squeeze your muscles around the balls, holding them inside your vagina.  By squeezing your muscles, holding the balls in, then releasing your muscles you exercise the muscles just like you exercise any other body part.

Anal Plug

Anal plugs are anal safe sex toys that get inserted into the rectum and then kept there.  They come in several materials, from silicone which is best for beginners as it gives, to steel which is more advanced, as there’s no give to it. Typically they do not vibrate and simply sit there.  While this may seem unexciting, there are many good reasons to use anal plugs.

First, you can work your way up from small plugs to larger ones to get your bottom used to having something larger in there.  This is a great thing to do if you wish to experiment with anal sex at some point in time.  Secondly, it can simply be enjoyable for the different sensations having something in your bottom can give.  Thirdly, using an anal plug is an awesome way to experience double penetration for women; having something both in your butt and vagina.

Anal plugs are great because you can wear them for long periods of time.  You can put an anal plug in then go do your errands!  This is a lovely and erotic way to spend some time during your day as no one else will know you’ve stuck something in your bum!  This can be a naughty secret between you and your lover, or something only you know.

Anal Probe

Basically, anal probes are anal vibrators.  They come in many shapes and sizes and are made specifically for anal use.  It’s always important to ensure that they’re non-porous so you can fully clean and sterilize them as well as ensure there’s a large flared handle so that it won’t get stuck up there; you can’t push things out of your bottom the same way a woman can push something out of her vagina.

Many anal probes are made specifically for men and thus are designed to simulate the prostate.  This is a wonderful and healthy thing for men to do as it can give a unique orgasm all of it’s own; it also does not, in any way, mean someone is bi or homosexual.

Anal Beads

Anal beads are sort of like anal plugs, but they are smaller and longer.  Anal beads are  an excellent thing to start with if you’re a beginner to anal play.  They have several beads or bumps on a body safe string or piece of silicone.  You can pop one in then after a few seconds of acclimation go ahead and put in the next one, which is a tad bit bigger.  You can then keep going (each bead/bump is a tad bit bigger than the one before) until you’ve inserted them all, or until you’ve reached the largest one you wish to use.

Also similar to anal plugs, these can be worn for extended periods of time while you are having sex, doing chores or running errands.  Anal beads are wonderful to have in while having sex.  You can experience double penetration, but also, typically, the man can feel the beads on his penis through the vaginal/anal wall which will give him unique sensations and increase the uniqueness and pleasure during sex.

What makes sex good?

Now, I’m quite lucky in that I haven’t had much “bad” sex.  Basically, for me, any sex is good sex so long as it’s consensual and safe and all that.  So for me, a lot of it is a chosen mental state, rather than the actual quality of sex.  I suppose though, that there are physical factors of consensual intercourse that would cause it to be good versus bad.  So I suppose, in order for the sex to be good both parties would need to orgasm, yes?  Not really.  I think there needs to be more than that.

First off I think there needs to be fun.  Even if you’re having emotional make-up sex, or passionate been-teasing-each-other-all-day sex, you still need to be enjoying it.  Secondly, I think there needs to be more contact that just genital contact.  (Please keep in mind this is my opinion … )For me, if there’s no kissing or no caressing or things like that, it just removes something very ..intrinsic to a sexual encounter.  I may have the best orgasm ever, but there will still be something missing, something that’s really undefinable, something that’s probably more emotional than physical.  Not sure, body parts will graze each other, but for me it needs to be intentional touching/caressing.

I asked my boyfriend what, to him, does sex need to have in order for it to be “good” and he replied that first and foremost both parties would need to be satisfied to their own individual sexual gratification needs.  And I’d have to agree with him on that one.  As he pointed out, everybody has their own needs in order for sex to be ultimately satisfying for them.  For me, that’s deliberate touching, caressing and kissing.  For a good friend of mine, sex has to involve some sort of bdsm kink.  For my boyfriend it’s ensuring that I’ve had at least one full on, climax.  He’s unable to allow himself to have genuine sexual pleasure until I’ve had genuine sexual satisfaction.

For me I think that one of the most important things that really makes sex good for me is that my partner (my boyfriend now of course) is actually into it.  I know many who have gone to be solely because their partner was horny.  Now of course there is the aspect that a lot of the time I think you should try, at least see if a little foreplay can get you in the mood.  But if you’re not at that point mentally, then sex with a sense of obligation is one of those things that can lead to a whole host of unpleasantness.  But, sometimes you can simply oblige your partner by using a vibrator on them or giving a hand job or blow job.

Lastly I think, as does my boyfriend, that it’s important to always keep in mind that an orgasm or ejaculation does not mean “great” or “good” sex.  My boyfriend and I have had some of the most incredible sex that didn’t end with orgasm, climax or ejaculation.  You can have a huge ejaculation simply during masturbation.  Or even during sleep!  If you get too focused on the end result, you loose what’s happening in the now, and I can guarantee that you loose a lot of pleasure doing that.

In the end, what “good” sex is is not, in any way, universal. It’s all personal!  It’s what you find pleasurable and ensuring that you have that experience during your sexual encounters.  And because we each find different things pleasurable, and each of us finds different things pleasurable that ensures a lot of joy and variety in our sexcapades!

What, to you, is good sex?? Do share!

To laugh or not to laugh…

The last time my boyfriend and I had sex we enjoyed a lot of laughing.  So much laughing i was wondering if we were going to get pat it and actually get busy! It was fun though.  We poked at each other, picked on each other, laughed together and smiled a lot.  It was wonderful.

As much as slow, romantic situations are wonderful and passionate, spur of the moment quickies are incredible, it seems like that’s always what we want and we don’t let whatever happens, happen.  We get so wrapped up with everything having to be “just so.”   The thing is, the only “right” way to have sex is consensually.

One of my favorite things to do is to roll around in bed laughing with my boyfriend.  Whether or not we end up fornicating is not important.  It may take longer to get there, we may have a couple hiccups (last night I had grabbed onto his penis and then he turned away, though I didn’t know he was going to turn and I was laughing so I didn’t notice until it was too late and he goes “oowwwww”) but they create memories and things you can laugh at going forward.

The thing is, pretty sex doesn’t exist.  Sex is messy, usually loud, and involves exchanging bodily fluids.  You sweat, swear, scream, moan, maybe drool, get your make-up messed up, your hair becomes a mess and typically need a shower afterwards.  Not to mention, for women (especially if no condom is used) we get to enjoy having semen in us for a day of two, often dripping down our thighs.  Yea, sex is very messy.

My thought is that we need to worry less about it all and just enjoy what’s happening.  Don’t get caught up in “oh we were supposed to have sex!  Not laughing and making jokes!” or stuff like that.  Just go with the flow and enjoy spending time with your lover.  Believe me, the stress reduction will make all the difference.

Making time for sex…

What time is it?

Something I’ve noticed is that no matter how in the mood you are, sometimes there just isn’t time.  Whether it’s chores, work, familial obligations or getting together with friends it seems like there’s always something in the way of finding time to have sex or masturbate.  There was a time when I was “scheduling”, for lack of a better word, time for masturbation.  It was kind of fun because I was able to make a big production of it, with ambiance, a ton of toys, lubes and movies at my disposal so I could scratch whatever itch my body presented.  While doing things like that is certainly fun and has merit, it doesn’t really work in the long term.

I have a strong dislike for scheduling sex.  By scheduling sex I mean saying something to the effect that every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7:30pm is sex time.  Doing stuff like that creates a sense of obligation which can lead to resentment and stagnation.  Now, planning a romantic and sexy evening is one thing; that’s a special night, it’s something extra and probably won’t happen again for a while and if it does it’ll be different.  About the only time I can see actually scheduling sex being beneficial is if you’re trying to conceive.  Otherwise it becomes monotonous, lacks spontaneity and can breed resentment.

So what’s the key to finding time then?  I guess in the end it’s just knowing that you’re in the mood and going for it.  While some things like children can’t be set aside for an hour or so, other things like dishes, sending that e-mail and returning the phone call from your Mother can indeed be put set aside for some time so that you can get sexy with your partner.

The important thing to remember is that the grocery store will still be there.  Your Mom will understand a slightly delayed phone call and your chores area always going to be there, even if you do them at 8pm instead of 7pm.  Life will continue on, without glitch or delay, while you’re making love.

Intimacy

Intimacy is something that I think is sadly lacking in most relationships nowadays.  So often when I’ve been a part of a conversation about intimacy, be it a face-to-face discussion or online, people typically say “Ohh, we have a good sex life!” or “We have a lot of sex!” Well, intimacy is not sex!

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Sex IS intimate!  LOL You’re putting part(s) of one body inside another!  Your juices are mingling together, you’re causing each other indescribable pleasure.  You could possibly be making a baby!! Yea.  That’s intimate.  You’re also trusting one another to not go too far; I’ve heard from many men that it takes a lot of trust to let a woman give them head; the chance of getting bit is very scary for some men.

My boyfriend and I are not intimate in the sense of romance.  Neither of us is romantic, y0u won’t find him buying me flowers (which I’m thankful of; they just die anyway) or sprinkling petals leading me somewhere or anything like that.  And it’s fine with me because it works for us.  We don’t take baths together (though we regularly shower together and wash each other) or whisper lovey dovey stuff to each other.

However, we hold hands when we’re in bed together.  We hold hands while watching tv and almost always touch each other.  We listen to each other and do our best to always honor each other’s quirks, ticks and idiosyncrasies.  I’ve checked the definition of the word “intimacy” on more than one source and the main theme is that intimacy is actually a descriptor of very close relationships.   A relationship in which you are very close with the other person, such as siblings, best friends, parent/child and so forth.

I have intimate, non-sexual relationships with many, mostly female actually.  There’s actually a couple of females that I’m very close with, have very intimate relationships with, and it’s not at all sexual.  Sexuality and intimacy are, for the most part, exclusive.    A trusting, close relationship does not beget sex, and sex does not beget a close, trusting relationship.

More than anything though, I think it saddens me (actually often makes me angry) that so many people see sex a necessity for an intimate relationship.  Relationships with parents and siblings are getting more cold and distant, so many relationships with friends are nothing more than partying and then it’s like, once you get close enough with someone to actually be intimate, it’s suddenly seems to be a requirement that you also be sexual with them.  And the part that is really weird for me is how that assumed sexual requisite is sometimes not even from the people in the relationship!  It’s an assumption from those who  are not a part of the relationship and, for whatever reason, have a difficult time seeing close relationships between people who are not lovers.  It’s unfortunate, really.

For those that do have intimate, non-sexual relationships, they often get teased about it; being called gay, people assuming that you are indeed having sex with the person and not taking no for an answer (which can then lead to even more unpleasantness if someone says they’re lying), and so forth.

More and more, however, we are seeing non-sexual intimate relationships crop up.  From bro-mances to heterosexual lifemates (2 people of the same gender who are living together, have an intimate life-long companionship but are not sexual with one-another) it’s becoming more and more prolific.  H0pefully with how much more common it’s becoming the understanding of it will also become more common.

What are your thoughts on how intimacy and sex are two totally separate things?

Coming In From Behind

Nice Behind

It wasn’t long before I met my boyfriend that I began experimenting with anal play.  I was quite nervous, but thankfully had a really great anal probe to start with that was not intimidating and was a great size for a beginner. Similar to this vibrating anal probe it was great for a starter anal toy; it was thin, had a good thick base and was easy to use.  Plus it was non-porous, so I was able to keep it fully clean and sanitized.

Not long after that, I moved up to a set of anal beads and slowly but surely let my boyfriend play back there as well, using his fingers and then once, his mouth. (Which was awesome, by the way.)  Eventually I got to the point where I was in love with double penetration and wanted to expand to things larger than fingers and anal beads.

Thus began my exploration of anal probes and plugs.  Now, personally, I am not a fan of anal plugs.  I don’t know why, but no matter how awesome the plug is, I just prefer probes. I’m weird like that.  So I slowly started moving up in size with the toys I used anally, often using toys I already had that I knew I could sterilize; so pretty much anything that was 100% silicone.

Eventually we tried anal sex and we were able to get the entire head of his penis in, which was amazing.  I wasn’t able to take more than that so we abandoned it so I could get more practice taking toys anally.

Unfortunately we haven’t been able to try again since.  Since we’ve lost our sex drive and don’t have a real bed we aren’t able to get too terribly fancy with sex and sex play.  I’m still able to get anal play when I masturbate though!  I’ve found that if I go too long without doing something back there then, while I may not need to go all the way back down to beginner size, I still have to re-acclimate to the knowledge and sensation of something going up my butt.

Why do I like it though?  Why do I keep going back to it?  Well, it feels good!  I’ve had actual anal orgasms, which are incredible, by the way.  Absolutely amazing.  Plus, there’s the knowledge that it’s so taboo, so naughty that gives it that extra spice.  It’s a wholly unique sensation and I can use anal play to achieve double penetration, that is worth it in and of itself.

Do you enjoy anal play?  If so why?

Vibrator.com now carries Brandie’s favorite lube!!!

I’m so excited to let y’all know that Vibrator.com now carries my favorite line of personal lubricant; Climax Bursts!  YAYY!!  There are several varieties of it: Aphrodesiac , Cooling (my personal favorite), Warming , Anal and some of the best Sex Toy Cleaner that I’ve ever used.  They are great for both masturbation purposes and sex itself.

What’s really cool about these lubricants is that they are very thick, yet still water based.  Plus, they all have little beads of Vitamin E in them (thus the “bursts” in the name) that burst upon contact with our skin (you don’t feel it) and it releases that Vitamin E into your skin.  This helps keep our skin moist and the lube active.  The same beads are in the toy cleaner and that really helps your toys stay in good working condition and safe for use.

Not to mention the tops of the bottles look like nipples! LOL

Also, each variety is a different color. Cooling is blue, Anal is black, Sex Toy Cleaner is green, Aphrodesiac is orange and Warming is red.  Climax Bursts is an awesome lubricant and despite being water based (thus it’s safe to use with any kind of sex toy) it rarely needs re-applying unless you’re using it for a good half hour or more.

I *highly* recommend any and all of the Climax Bursts products.  My favorite is the cooling lube, and what we love to do with it is to put it in the fridge.  Hehehe

Anal Lube

Aphrodesiac, Cooling and Warming Lubricant

Sex Toy Cleaner

Plus Sized Sex

So often when reading about sex and sexuality and sex toys and all that, there are many issues which are addressed.  Different sexual orientations.  Issues resulting from sexual abuse.  Transgender issues.  It’s very rare though, to see someone talking about issues surrounding being plus sized.  Sure there’s plenty of discussion of self esteem and how it’s healthy to masturbate, but how often do you see suggestions on sex toys that are easier for larger women to use?  How often do you see suggestions on sex positions that are easier for plus sized people to get into?

Personally, I’ve only seen one book where plus sizes were addressed and the only suggestions on toys for plus sized women was a post written by me quite some time ago.  So, in the interest of promoting awesome masturbation for us plus sized girls, here’s a couple of my favorite toys, and some tips for us plus sized women!

Evolved Bendable You Too —  While this vibrator, unfortunately, doesn’t have Evolved’s standard rockin’ tins to keep it in, it’s bendy nature and lengthy size make it great for reaching hard to reach places!  It’s almost 9″ long, so when you have it elongated and not bent it can easily reach around extra flesh, it can easily fit inside thick labia and can help you reach if you’re unable to reach your fingers or hands down there.  Plus, with how bendable it is you can easily shape it exactly how you want and need it.  Not to mention the long cord for the power pack, so you don’t have to worry too much about where it is or how far away it is.

Share Dildo — Now, yes.  The intended purpose of this dildo is to be inserted into one female, and then that female has sex with someone else using the dildo as it’s inserted into her vagina.  However.  Look at the size and shape of this baby! That short end makes a perfect handle!  So it’s super easy for you to lay back, hold onto it and it’s size and length makes it easy to reach around extra flesh and still make it into your vagina so you can pleasure yourself.

TIPS:

Position aids, like the Liberator Wedge are really a girls best friend.  First off then can help you (anybody really) get into positions that may otherwise be difficult to achieve.  One thing though, to try, is if you’re in doggy style slap a pillow two under your belly. This will help to not only give your upper body some support so your arms dont’ have to take all the weight but also it can help give your stomach support so it’s not all pulling on your back.

If you want to have a leg or two in the air try laying on the couch and putting one up on the back of the couch.  By hooking a foot up there you can have a leg up without having to hold it up yourself or have your partner hold it for you.  That way you either don’t have to worry about that, or you and/or your partner can hold your other leg up and you can have the variety of position with a leg or two up.  This position sort of mimics doggy style and also makes it easier to achieve g-spot stimulation.

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Do you have any tips for plus sized people wanting to masturbate and have sex?  Or, are you plus sized and would like tips?  Please, leave a comment!!

Sex toys and Mom

So, recently my mother came to visit.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost a year so it was really exciting!  Thing is; I think I spent more time finding my sex toys and porn and hiding it all than I did cleaning!  And as things are wont to do when you spend so much time focusing on them, I realized a couple things.

Firstly I realized that my Mom already knows that I have sex toys.  While she doesn’t know I’m a reviewer, she knows I write for an adult website.  Secondly, my Mom knows that I’m a sexually active adult and thus would have a dildo or two anyway.  Granted, my collection of over 100 sex toys is a lot more than “a dildo or two”, when I was showing her this website I realized that it’s not a big of a deal to me as I was making it out to be.

There’s a couple reasons for this; the main one being that there’s not a damn thing to be ashamed about when it comes to using sex toys! It’s a totally normal thing, it’s in no way cheating and it doesn’t harm anyone or get anyone addicted to vibrators or anything like that.

I actually ended up showing her Icicles #21 glass dildo as she’d never heard of those and couldn’t imagine using something glass “down there” she said.  Plus, with as pretty as it is, she also couldn’t imagine that you’d want something so beautiful for sexual purposes.  To which my response was that you wouldn’t want something ugly! LOL

Anyway, when I first showed her the Icicles line and the post that went along with it her first worry about glass toys was that they’d break.  Which was why I dug out one of mine to show her how sturdy they are.   For one thing, there’s always that joy of shocking a parent, ya know?  LOL  Secondly though, it’s nice to be able to educate my Mom and I think that, in the end, being able to educate and possibly open a mind, even just a smidgen, is worth a little bit of discomfort or embarrassment.

Does your parent(s) know you use sex toys?  If so to what extent and how did they find out?  Share your stories!

Photo By: crimsonninjagirl

Sex drives

So, my boyfriend and I used to have a lot of sex.  A lot.  Every day, sometimes more than once a day, for an hour or two at a time.  It was incredible!  He loves to see where my limits are, for how many different types of pleasure I can take at once.  By this I mean clitoral stimulation, anal stimulation, nipple stimulation, etc.  One of his favorite toys to use is this triple egg/bullet vibrator I have, it’s very similar to this duo egg vibrator, except mine has one slim vibrator and two eggs, all attached to one power pack.   He loves this toy so much because it’s so easy to use and there’s only one power pack, for so many vibrators.

I remember one time he had nipple clamps on me, had the long bullet in my bottom, the two eggs in my vagina plus he used another vibrator on my clit.  Yea, we’re pretty certain the neighbors heard me that night.  I think he really loves the fact that eventually I needed to cry “uncle!” and have him remove some of the stimulations.

The last few months though, we haven’t been having much sex.  Stress has gotten in the way, it totally has sapped our sex drives.  My boyfriend’s went first, but mine quickly went after.  Prior to me loosing my sex drive it was really difficult for me to cope with the very infrequent sex.  Part of me felt like I wasn’t attractive to him anymore, part of me feared he didn’t love me anymore, though he always told me it wasn’t either of those.  He was dealing with some depression and stress, things of that nature.

I’m quite ashamed of how poorly I dealt with it though.  I felt like he should be more willing to use his fingers or mouth on me, or use some of my sex toys on me so that I can at orgasm.  I would blame him, for me not getting off, when all I had to do wasmasturbate.    Happily I got over myself and then eventually started loosing my own sex drive.

Thing is, I felt like since we used to have sex so much, we should always have sex that much.  This is so not the case.  We should have sex when we want it, not because we did yesterday, or two days ago.  Sex can’t be scheduled, that causes it to loose it’s specialness, it looses it’s spur-of-the-moment feel and becomes tedious, almost like a chore.  Makes it seem more like you’re having sex because it’s time to, or you have to, rather than you want to.

Happily, nowadays, we have our sex drive back, and we’re having sex when we want to again.  It’s nowhere near as frequent as it used to be, however it’s damn good when it happens!!

Photo By: music2work2

Just Talk About It

So a couple nights ago my boyfriend and I were talking.  I honestly can’t remember how the subject came up, but we ended up telling stories from our past, which I love; even if it involves discussion about exes, sex with other people, and so forth.  You can learn so much about yourself and each other talking about these things!

This discussion ended up with us talking about this couple from my boyfriend’s past who seem to be serial cheaters on each other.  This then lead to the discussion of people who cheat because they’re not sexually satisfied at home.

Now, I can totally, totally understand being worried about what your partner would think of a weird sex desire you have, or a fetish or something like that.  Been there, done that, ya know?  The trick is though, 100% honesty mixed with mature discussions.

My boyfriend and I have had many such discussions.  We have come to an agreement that should one of us have a need for something, that is a true need, but also that the other one of us can’t meet, due to things like not having the right body parts or something like that, that there may be a chance of seeking fulfillment outside of our relationship, so long as both partners approve of the other party.  And of course so long as it’s safe, clean and only for that one specific need.

Now, that arrangement may not work for everybody.  I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me it did.  However there are many other ways things like this can be overcome.  Perhaps the need is really a want, perhaps it’s something the other partner would like too but just hasn’t tried it yet and any other number of scenarios.

The key really is to talk about it, though; through whatever means necessary.  Maybe simply talking about it; maybe buying a book or movie and giving it as a gift, write a letter or e-mail, surprise your partner, there are so many ways to communicate your needs and wants!  By not doing so you’re doing a disservice to yourself, your partner and your relationship.  Not only that but you’re missing out on a hell of a lot of fun, pleasure and sex!!

Photo By: scoobsmx6

What’s normal in bed?

Something that I’ve noticed with many, many people is a difficulty in accepting one’s sexual desires.  So often we can get hung up whether or not something is “normal,” or what so-and-so would think if they knew we like to do this-or-that.

Now, sometimes I still fall into this pattern of thinking.  “I shouldn’t want to do this.”  “Why does this feel good, it’s not normal?”  “What would my friends think of me if they knew I liked this?”  Things like that.

Really though, the thing is that it’s no one’s business what I do in the privacy of my home, except my partner’s.  And if my partner has a problem with it, then that’s something we need to discuss, and we do.  And, as adults, we work at compromises so that both of us can get the sexual fulfillment and satisfaction that we need, want and deserve.

It really makes me wonder what is normal, though.  The word normal means something that adheres to a standard.  So in regards to sexuality that means that what’s normal is what everyone else does, on a whole.  The kicker of the fact is that everyone is different, especially when it comes to sex.  I do not know 2 people who like exactly the same things.  There may be a couple similarities, like a friend of mine and I both enjoy having our cervixes bumped during intercourse, but I know others who do not and some who like it only in certain situations.

I know people who like to add some pain in their sex and others for whom even a little spanking is an immediate turn off.  So really, when these thoughts come up for me, “Gods why do I like anal play??  It’s so weird and abnormal!”  I just run some of these thoughts through my mind and it helps me get stable again and remember something that’s very important.

There’s really only one normal thing about sex: consensual pleasure.  Past that it’s just splitting hairs and leading to nothing more than heart ache…and a distinct lack of orgasms!

Photo By: crasch

Five Ways to Get Your Body Ready for Sex this Summer

Diet and nutrition programs seem to be everywhere lately. I know of at least three “Biggest Loser” style contests on the Web right now, and those are just ones I’ve heard about from friends without doing a Google search.

Summer’s here, and that means less clothes. Whether or not you’re donning a swimsuit this summer, you still want to look good in shorts, capris, or even just short sleeves.

But there’s even more incentive to slim down or tone up — to get your body sex-ready. The good news? You don’t need to go on a starvation diet to do it.

Little changes make a big difference when it comes to sex and weight loss. And feeling sexy really is just a state of mind.

Here are a few suggestions to get (or stay) slim and sexy this summer.

Lose (just a few) pounds. The docs at WebMD say that the more body fat you have, the more SHBG (se hormone binding globulin) you have. This natural chemical binds to testosterone, which could lead to decreased sex in both men and women. Losing as few as ten pounds can raise testosterone levels and stimulate desire.

Eat healthier. Good news. The foods that help you lose weight also stimulate your sex drive naturally. I’m not talking about aphrodisiacs like oysters and strawberries — well, okay, the strawberries can help, especially if they’re covered in dark chocolate. But a diet rich in fruits and vegetables helps regulate blood sugar and control your cholesterol. And healthy really is sexy. Add natural, slow-burning carbs like whole grains and high-protein, low fat foods and you’ll also have more energy for sex.

Get moving. Whether it’s a morning walk on the beach, an afternoon bike ride, or your favorite extreme sport, summer provides lots of opportunities for exercise. Just 20 minutes of exercise a day, 3 times a week, has libido-boosting effects, say those in the know at WebMD.

Envision yourself thin. As you envision yourself with the perfect body — and act as if you have it — you’ll find yourself doing those things naturally to give you that body. And as you act sexy, you’ll attract more sex into your life. Does this sound like the old “chicken and the egg” argument? (As in, which came first?) Thoughts come before action, so as you begin living a life filled with sexy thoughts, soon you’ll be living a life filled with sex — whatever your size. Even if you don’t feel confident, act that way. Hold your head high.

Embrace yourself as you are. I’m not talking about masturbation — although that’s a great way to get your engine primed for a close encounter. I mean that, as you “think yourself thin” every day, you are also accepting your body completely for what it is right now. Accepting your body and your sexuality — whether you are a size 2 or size 20 — makes you feel more desirable and that is how to really get heads turning as you walk by on the beach.

Sex in a Heat Wave

Newsflash: It’s hot. Really, really hot. The upside to this, of course, is that you get to see girls clad in very short-shorts and tight tank tops or, if you live in the right area, those sexy little beach cover-ups.

There’s another benefit: Studies say that the warm weather, the sun beating down on our half-naked bodies, and all those lazy days by the pool lead to increased libido. That’s because sunlight leads to an increase in production of Melanocyte Stimulating Hormone, which has been shown to increase a woman’s sex drive.

The irony, here, of course, is that while sunny and warm weather increases our sex drive, when it gets this hot – 95 degrees before noon with approximately six zillion percent humidity – everybody’s already so hot and sticky it can be tough to get in the mood for activities that make you more sticky and sweaty.

How about these warm-weather tips to stay cool and sexy, while taking advantage of that libido-boosting sunshine?

Water, water everywhere. This is the kind of weather that makes you want to strip down naked and jump in the pool. Go for it! Convince your partner to do the same and enjoy your own private pool party. Use lots of silicone-based lubricant because water (ironically) washes away both natural lubrication and water-based lubricants.

Also remember that chlorine can potentially cause a condom to weaken and break. Don’t let all this put a damper on your fun, just be safe and stick with a monogamous partner for this one!

Ice is nice… Mmm… who needs air conditioning when you can rub ice cubes up and down your partner’s naked body? It’s cooling and stimulating and oh-so-sexy. Or use fresh frozen fruit (like strawberries) and then chow down. Many tantric sex practices incorporate fruit as foreplay, for its nutritive values and sensual scent and taste.

Icy cool oral sex. Give your partner a sexy blast of cool air by chewing peppermint breath mints or even fresh mint before a blow job. Gulping a cold beverage (make it a Mojito for the minty blast!) and then going down on him creates “just-cold-enough” sensations, too, for a unique pleasure experience. Even better, use the Good Head One Shots for the same cool sensation in a variety of delicious flavors. Yum!

Chill out. A cold shower may sound counter-intuitive for revving up your sex drive, but it could be just what you need to get cool and comfortable enough for a cuddle – and more! Don’t waste time drying off much… just grab each other and go for it!

Stay out of bed. The last thing we want is lie on a cushy mattress, surrounded by pillows, when it’s warm. How about sex on the coffee table, floors…? Any place flat will do. Or wait until after hours when temps drop and hit your backyard lawn?

Sunburned? Use aloe gel. Nothing puts a damper on nookie like sunburn. Turn treatment into foreplay by asking your lover to gently – very gently! – rub chilled aloe vera gel on your sore spots and see where all the gentle rubbing leads. (Just keep the gel away from your privates; there’s a reason the bottle reads: “for external use only.”

When the sun is hot, you should be, too. Use these creative tips – or come up with your own ideas to combine cold water play with hot sex.

Three Tips for Talking About Sex

Dr. Laura Berman states that 15 % of all married couples don’t have sex. Often these couples started out in happy relationships with healthy sex lives. But the demands of children, money woes and day-to-day life eventually got in the way and sex fell by the wayside. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The best way to keep the sex going in your relationship is to prevent any problems before they start. How can you do this? Talk about sex regularly.

I don’t mean talking dirty (although that can be fun, too!) but regular conversations about what’s working in your sex life — and what isn’t — will keep you both fulfilled and happy. Most importantly, it will keep sex at the forefront of your relationship. Whether you’ve been married for years and have a large family or are a couple living together with no kids, these three tips will help you talk about sex more easily.

1. Keep it out of the bedroom. I’m not talking about sex on the kitchen table (although I’m all for that, as long as you break out the Pledge wipes before you serve dinner).

The best time to talk about sex is … whenever you think of it. Okay, maybe not during dinner with the ‘rents. But any time the two of you are alone together, you can bring it up. The topic of conversation, I mean.

Here’s another hint: Guys are more comfortable talking in the car, because driving gives them something else to focus on. He won’t feel compelled to look at you during the conversation and you won’t long for eye contact. This will make everyone more comfortable.

You can also talk side-by-side on the living room sofa, with the television on if it makes him more comfortable. Trust us — if you’re talking about sex, he’s listening, even though it may not look like he is.

2. Focus on the positives. Critiquing someone’s sex moves — whether it’s the frequency or the technique — is a touchy subject. Starting the conversation with words like “We don’t have sex often enough,” or “I’ve never told you before, but I hate it when you…” puts him on the defensive. If he feels attacked, he’ll retreat or lash out. Either way, you won’t achieve the objective you desire — more frequent or better sex (or both).

The brain remembers instructions better when it’s focused on positives. How many times have you said to yourself, “I don’t want to be late?” — focusing on the act of being late. And then — just as you feared — you arrive late somewhere. Alternately, by focusing on the words, “I want to be on time,” that’s exactly what will happen.

This concept works with nearly everything. If you tell your partner what you love in the bedroom, what you’d like more of, or exactly how often you’d like to have sex, he’s more likely to remember. If you focus on the negatives, he’ll put so much attention on “not” doing something, he’ll continue to do it.

3. Have a plan. You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know exactly what you want. Maybe your sex life is boring and you want to spice it up, test new positions or introduce toys. Don’t just tell him, “I’m bored when we have sex lately.” Make a list of suggestions and share it with him.

Complaining about what’s wrong focuses on the negative and leaves him at a loss. You’re likely to get a reply such as, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” Or he might suggest something to make it more exciting that you have no interest in: “Why don’t invite your best friend to join us next time?” Not exactly what you planned.

To get what you want, you have to ask for it — which means you have to know what you want. It might help to make a list of ideas beforehand, and even practice the conversation. After you’ve verbalized your desires, ask him what he wants. With all ideas on the table, you can decide what appeals to both of you.

By keeping the lines of communication open, you can ensure an active and pleasing sex life as long as you’re together.

Seven Sexy New Year’s Resolutions

It’s the first full week of the New Year. That means it’s not too late to make a New Year’s Resolution! I hope no one has actually broken any of theirs yet, unless they were the kind meant to be broken. (Like giving up sex in 2010… definitely a bad idea!)

So, dear readers, what are your New Year’s Resolutions? I’m sure we have the lion’s share of “quit smoking,” “lose weight” and (my personal favorite) “quit procrastinating.” In 2010, your resident blogger has made a resolution to keep this blog up-to-date with exciting, fun and sometimes educational content – just for you.

In that vein, here are some suggestions for New Year’s Resolutions you won’t mind keeping all year long!

1. Do something new with your lover. You can break open the Kama Sutra and play with whatever position strikes your fancy, have sex outdoors, or make a foray into BDSM. Whatever you choose, do something that is a new experience for both of you.

2. Communicate with your lover. Take time, inside the bedroom or out, to reveal your innermost fantasies. What do you love best about his techniques? What do you wish he’d do more often? Here’s a tip, ladies – long talks during car drives work well. The lack of eye contact makes your man more comfortable and it helps that he has something else to focus on while still giving you the attention you need (and deserve!)

3. Buy a new toy. Expand your bedroom repertoire with the help of a new battery-powered friend. Go for something completely different. If you’ve never used a rabbit-style vibe, I recommend the new WOW series. Want something great for anal play? The Slimline Anal Explorer is a great beginner vibe at a great price.

4. Have more sex. Who couldn’t use a little more love in their life? Make arrangements for lunchtime rendezvous, quickies before breakfast, or long Saturday evening romps through every room in your house. If you’re an “only on weekends” couple, add a weekday into the mix. If you currently have sex once a week or less, aim for two or three times, just for a month, to see how you like it.

5. Make (and keep) a weekly date night. After the hubbub of the holidays, everyone begins to settle back into their normal routine. Why not make a weekly connection with your lover part of your regular 2010 schedule? If you have kids, line up a babysitter. If not – you have less of an excuse.

Date night doesn’t have to be expensive. Order Chinese food and then give each other massages by the fireplace. Use your imagination for low-cost, stay-at-home one-on-one time or splurge with a dinner out at your favorite restaurant. You can decide who, er – what’s – for dessert.

6. Do kegels. Kegels – easy little exercises that tone the PC (Pubococcygeus) muscles have well-documented health benefits. Not only do they help prevent incontinence, they can aid in childbirth. They also help women have more intense orgasms. You can do kegels anywhere, at any time (and no one will know). You can also use ben wa balls for a more intense experience.

7. Use a condom. If you’re not in a monogamous relationship, make 2010 the year you vow to practice safe sex with every partner and use a condom. You’ll find so many fun varieties here at Vibrator.com, you can even use a different style, color or flavor every day of the year!

Did Oprah’s Flight Attendants Have Sex on the Plane?

Oprah’s making headlines again, but it’s not about weight loss, bestselling books or giving away lots of money (although it may turn out that way.) According to  US Magazine, a flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey’s private jet filed a lawsuit late last week, after losing her job based on accusations that she had sex on the plane.

Flight attendant Corrine Gehrls said that fellow flight attendants Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus accused Gehrls of sex with chief pilot Terry Pansing. The accusations resulted in their termination. Although they passed lie detector tests, they were not re-hired. According to the US Magazine.com article, Gehrls is seeking “more than $75,000 in damages from Gooch, Bumpus and Harpo Inc., Oprah’s production company.”

My thoughts?
What kind of names are Gooch and Bumpus? Maybe they made the accusations out of jealousy; people with names like Gooch and Bumpus don’t strike me as the type to get laid on a plane (or anywhere else for that matter.)

But seriously… my next thought is that “more than $75,000” if you’re Oprah Winfrey really isn’t a lot of money to make this all go away. But it would set a dangerous precedent, because when does that type of thing stop?

And then, my mind wanders away from all this silliness as I drift into my own fantasy world… sex on a plane. Is it feasible?

The (apparently self-appointed) Minister of Common Sense says it’s not.  But the strength of his argument seems to lie in the fact that he doesn’t find it appealing, therefore, no one has ever done it. There are lots of things — from rubbing balloons on my private parts to watching puppets have sex — that don’t appeal to me. But that doesn’t mean some people don’t enjoy these fetishes. But back to sex on a plane…

How to have sex on a plane
The consensus seems to be the bathroom would be the most private place. Overnight (red-eye) flights are the best times. You should sneak out during drink service, when most people aren’t using the bathroom. Your partner should follow a minute later. Some people may notice and raise eyebrows, but, in all likelihood, no one will say anything. If a flight attendant catches you, one person should feign illness, thereby explaining why you’re crammed into the lavatory together. Hold your partner’s hand, request a ginger ale, and make your attempt on a different flight.

Once inside, (the bathroom, I mean) it won’t be comfortable. But you’re not doing this for the romance or the comfort, right? You want to join that exclusive group, the mile-high club. You’re on a quest!

With one partner straddling the toilet bowl, the other can penetrate from behind. Best of all, you have tissues and water at the ready for clean-up. That, in fact, may be the only good (or sanitary) thing about sex on a plane.

Keep in mind, if caught you can be charged with all sorts of embarrassing crimes, from disturbing the peace to “lewd and lascivious behavior.” It’s also illegal to disregard a flight attendant’s  orders. There is a chance, if you have sex on a plane, you’ll find police waiting for you at your destination. You probably won’t, as some people claim, get kicked out of the airplane, however.

Now that I’ve thought this through, I think I’d prefer to join the Mile-High Club this way: on a private plane with a bed, a bottle of champagne, and even a commemorative certificate.  Where else can you actually get an award for having sex?

The Link Between Sex and Death

As many readers and frequent customers to this website know, we are based in New York. Perhaps that’s why, eight years after the September 11 terrorist attacks, I feel compelled to write something – a memory, a tribute, some acknowledgment of the anniversary of an event that impacted not just New Yorkers, but all Americans.

What could 9-11 and sex possibly have in common? More than you might imagine, according to several sex researchers, including New Yorker Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Why Him, Why Her?

Chemical Attractions

Unusual experiences, or novelty, Fisher notes in an article in Obit Magazine, increases the release of dopamine in the brain, which then triggers an increase in testosterone. That hormone enhances the sex drive in both men and women. Death – the great unknown – is novel and unusual enough to cause the “funeral sex” effect in our brains.

Highlighted, and lampooned, in movies like The Wedding Crashers, post-funeral sex is actually quite common. When we look into that casket, we face our own mortality then seek to celebrate our life. Few things make you feel quite alive as truly great sex. Also, following funerals, we seek comfort, and that, too, can be found in the primal connection between two people.

Sex after September 11

Now consider a day like September 11, 2001 – few living Americans ever experienced a tragedy of that magnitude before (and hopefully never will again). Fear, danger and novelty abounded. Not surprisingly, then, in the weeks following the terrorist attacks of September 11, more New Yorkers were having sex, at least according to some accounts.

The LA Times ran an article in October of that year describing a phenomenon called “terror sex” or “end-of-the-world” sex. Some experts attribute it to a biological desire to procreate in the face of death; bad things are happening around us but the species must survive.

Other experts say people used sex as a means to cope with the fear and vulnerability we felt. We sought comfort in others, because we all had the same feelings: grief, sadness, anger, fear. Nearly everyone in the New York area experienced a mere two degrees of separation from someone who had been killed in the attack.

A third theory for the increased sex following September 11 cites people acting impulsively as they faced their own mortality. Thoughts of: “It could have been me” made people live more in the moment, sharing feelings they may not have shared otherwise and taking greater risks. In some cases, those risks involved sex with strangers. In others, it was finally marrying a long-time lover, starting a family, or leaving a secure career to pursue their passion.

Maybe that, eight years later, is the “good” we can take from the terror attacks that changed America. In a post-9-11 world, we still never know what lurks around the bend, individually or as a nation.

Take a risk. Follow your passion. Say, “I love you.” Have wild, uninhibited sex with a partner, or partners, of your choice (but be safe.) Celebrate life.

The Art and Craft of Writing Erotica

As a professional sex blogger, my job is to keep readers entertained and informed. In some posts, I seek simply to instruct, sharing an array of tips and tricks you can employ in your own bedroom.

But in my spare time, I’ve been known to pen some pretty creative erotica. I’m talking fantasies that make Penthouse letters look tame. Group sex, sex in public places, sex with celebrities, sex with elves… Okay, I’m kidding about the last part.

But you don’t need a BA in journalism or a fancy title like professional sex blogger to write stories that will entice your lover while giving depth, breadth and realism to your fantasies. If I had to share the biggest benefit to writing erotica, it’s the opportunity to lay out intricate fantasies on plain white paper, making them one step closer to reality.

How do you write erotica? The rules for writing good erotica are the same rules that apply to writing anything. These tips will make the entire process easier. But above all, don’t worry about the quality. Are you enjoying the process of writing? Does your lover enjoy reading it? That’s all that matters.

These five tips will help you get over any fears of the blank screen and permit you to pen pornographic prose that will delight readers – and yourself!

1. Be yourself. People think writing (any sort of writing) is difficult because they think it should sound different from how they talk. Just be yourself. Sit down and share a story.

2. Remember your characters. Most unpublished fiction falls flat because the characters don’t have personalities. Much amateur erotica doesn’t make the grade because the characters have no motivation other than to, by the end of the story, get Point A into Slot B.To avoid this common faux pas, write out a quick “character sketch” of your main characters. What is their history? What do they look like? What are their key personality traits and their motivations? Incorporate these details throughout the story to help create living, breathing characters. For beginners making a foray into erotica, you may wish to pattern the characters after yourself and your lover. Not only is this easy – it’s hot!

3. Give it a plot. It’s definitely okay to write to “get to the sex scene,” in the style of most porn flicks. But if you strive to raise your story above the level of “porn” to “erotica,” incorporate a plot. Let your imagination run wild. This is your fantasy, after all. Just remember, conflict drives your plot. The simplest version is: character A wants something. Character B is blocking them. Most plots derive from some variation of that basic formula. See? Writing is easy!

4. Show, don’t tell. If you’ve ever taken a creative writing course, you’ve heard this adage. But what does it mean? Use details to permit your story to unfold naturally.Telling: He climbed on top of her and they started fucking.Showing: He looked down at her naked body, glistening with sweat and sprawled spread-eagle across the downy white comforter. Her big brown eyes seemed to say, “Take me.” And he did. He wasted no time in bending over her form, pushing himself forcefully inside her. They both moaned with pleasure from the first penetration. The mattress seemed to groan from the added weight, and soon, his thrusts kept time with the squeaking springs.

5. Use all five senses. Sex is about so much more than visual and tactile sensations. There’s your lover’s unique scent. Gentle moans, soft groans, and loud squeals. And don’t forget the exciting tastes – lips, tongue, love juices. Write your story to appeal to all five senses… and soon, you’ll find your lover appealing to you to write the sequel – or maybe enact it in real life!