Despite our iPods, skyscrapers, and 9-5 jobs, human beings are still part of the animal kingdom. We are susceptible to changes in the weather, the waxing and waning of the moon, and all that garbage just like our four-legged friends. One would therefore expect that when one animal species awakens from hibernation and commences the breeding process, we all do. The female of the species engages in “spring cleaning”, ridding the cave or nest of winter’s store of goods, and the male “sows his seed” as much as possible to ensure his genetic survival for future generations. Yes, yes, I know that such a simple three sentences do not account for the less-than-traditional relationships of modern society (or female sexuality other than cleaning!). But we’re animals nonetheless.

So what is it about Spring as a season that gets us in the mood? Maybe it’s the budding trees, the flowering plants, the April showers, and the breath of new life cleansing away the cold and dead winter. Actually, all of that tends to cause severe allergic reactions in me, for which I take copious amounts of antihistamines. And hospitals administer antihistamines for priapism (look it up), so in that respect spring doesn’t exactly jive with being an aphrodisiac.

The Vernal equinox marks the finality of longer, darker nights, bringing us more sunshine and longer days as we approach summer. Why this is a sexy thing, I’m not sure, as most people prefer the lights off when doing “the deed”. Fewer births occur in the Spring than in any other season, while Summer takes the lead in babies born. Simple math and countless research would have us believe that more sex is had in the Winter than in any other season. (Anything to save money on your heating bill…) Additional research shows that sperm count peaks in the colder months and slowly declines as Summer approaches. Not being a research scientist myself, I won’t make any hard conclusions, but the case for Spring as an aphrodisiac so far isn’t looking good!

One time honored tradition that represents youth and virility is, of course, Spring Break. Thousands of college students from around the globe flock to warmer climates for one week during March with the promise of getting laid. This year’s big destination was Key West, Florida - the gayest beach community in America! Sexually frustrated co-eds consume larger-than-normal amounts of alcohol, decreasing inhibition while at the same time inhibiting…um…performance for many over-eager frat dudes. For those sunburned, body-conscious young adults - “Spring has [not] sprung”!

While I generally don’t make a point of arguing with Mother Nature, something has gone awry in the human relationship with Spring. Perhaps our animal brethren don’t have as many societal stresses and imposed expectations, where one day can easily feel like the previous despite the season. If this is indeed the case and it doesn’t matter, then I’d like to propose that Summer be the “New Spring”. It’s hot and sweaty, sperm count is lower (nature’s birth control!) and you don’t have to travel as south as Key West to find fuckable college students.