Sex expert Dr. Laura Berman recommends women buy vibrators for their teenage daughters.

“You’re teaching them about their own bodies and pleasuring themselves,” Dr. Berman said on a segment of Oprah this past spring. “They don’t need [a] boy – they don’t need another person — until they’re ready.”

She went on to say that using a vibrator may even make teenage girls safer, sexually-speaking, because it may encourage them to put off their sexual experience even longer.

Oprah’s best friend, Gayle King, shook her throughout the segment, arguing that it is “just too much information.” Kids are growing up fast enough, these days, she argued. Parents don’t need to add battery-operated fuel to the raging teenage hormonal fire.

The thought crossed my mind that, upon discovering how good sexual pleasure can feel with a vibrator, teenage girls may actually be more eager to find out about the real thing. (Only to be sorely disappointed by a first experience with an inexperienced boy their own age, of course… sending them running back to their vibrator… maybe Dr. Berman has the right idea?)

Dr. Berman says it’s about empowerment – teaching teens not only the basics of sex as well as how to be safe, but educating them about orgasm. Which we all know is an important part of sex. But I’m still not sure about vibrator-shopping with a teenage daughter.

Talking to Teens About Sex
I remember learning about masturbation from Judy Blume books. A few years later, I started learning about sex from Danielle Steele. We did not talk about sex in my house – at all. While my mom knew exactly what I was reading (after all, she read Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts, too) we never discussed it.

I know this is an extreme situation – the polar opposite of what today’s experts recommend. Certainly, I agree that parents should teach their teens about sex: the basic mechanics, safe sex for protection against disease and pregnancy, and the importance of not giving into peer pressure.

It’s also important to talk about the emotional connection forged after sex, which may surprise teenage girls who don’t fully understand the difference between love and lust; sometimes, those “feel-close” hormones can even throw grown women for a loop after a casual encounter.

Girls are giving blowjobs at 13 and 14 years old. (Note to the experts: Surprise! This is NOT a new phenomenon!) So it’s wise for parents to explain that STI’s can be transmitted through oral sex and condom use is important. Parents shouldn’t just pretend it’s not happening or even that it’s an atrocity.  It happens, has been happening probably since the dawn of time, and will continue to happen.  Sex education in schools, one-on-one conversations  at home, and buying sex toys for our teens won’t change that. The best we can do is educate teens on how to be safe and protect against disease and pregnancy. Well, that or chastity belts.

A Vibe for your Teen?
While I’m very much in favor of sex education and parents talking to their kids about sex, I also agree with Gayle King that to buy a teenage girl a vibrator is, indeed, “TMI.” I think discussions with teens about sex should lean toward the practical and the clinical. Of course, if a teenager has any questions, they should be answered open and honestly, and parents should make it clear that their kids can come to them with questions.

But I can imagine only one reaction if my mother ever brought up the topic of vibrators, masturbation or the specifics of orgasm: complete mortification. I can’t imagine it would be comfortable for many teenagers – or their parents. And I don’t see many benefits to it.

With all due respect, I think Dr. Berman is not giving enough consideration to the other reasons teenagers have sex, including the same reason vibrators don’t replace real-life lovers for grown-ups. Whether you’re 14 or 40, a sex toy—while fun—can never replace the intimacy of sex with someone you love (or even like a whole lot!)

8 Comments »

1. 

   My mom got her Masters in Sex Education when I was a teenager. She wanted to be my friend, discuss sex, and all that. However, the LAST person on Earth I wanted to talk about sex with is my Mother! Seriously, NOBODY wants to be open about the details of their sexuality with their parents! If you want to say to your daughter that she should feel great about her sexuality, leave it at that, don’t get into the details of what she likes or doesn’t like! Yuch!

   Comment by amy — November 20, 2009 @ 5:04 pm

2. 

   I agree. Both mom and dad wanted to talk to me and I wasn’t too keen on it. However, I got the safe sex talk and I see that as very important. Every parent should talk to their children about STI’s and how to avoid pregnancy.

   Comment by Rick — November 20, 2009 @ 6:18 pm

3. 

   I guess I’m in the minority, but I think giving a vibrator to your daughter is a good idea. It’s not like it has to be a big discussion. Since you have to be 18 to buy vibrators, I think it’s a nice gesture.

   Comment by Epiphora — November 20, 2009 @ 8:27 pm

4. 

   yes i would buy her a vibrator if she wanted one. i think safe sex is better. and to tell them about sex early is good to. they need to know this stuff sooner these day. mom my had 3 girl and we had the talk after mom talk to someone to get what to say and how to say it to us.i guess grandma never told her . and we didn’t think asking our friends was a good ideal.

   Comment by doris — November 20, 2009 @ 9:18 pm

5. 

   I think, like everything about sex, this is a personal decision. There is no one-size-fits-all. Some daughters would be glad while some would be mortified and I would hope parents would know their children well enough to make the right call. I was the type who hated talking to my mother about sex. In fact, I still have a hard time doing so with the folks I viewed as adults when I was younger.

   Comment by Adriana — November 20, 2009 @ 11:50 pm

6. 

   I happened to come accross with this discussion and I was aghast about the idea of a mother giving her daughter a vibrator. I’m really not into it, this matter can be discussed to her but never that my wife would suggest my daughter to use a vibrator. She can by herself if she wants to.

   Comment by Joseph — November 21, 2009 @ 4:35 am

7. 

   I THINK THAT THIS PERSON,ITS GIVING THE WRONG MESAGE WHITH THAT IDEA,SHE IS TOTALY PUTIRG A SIDE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING INTO THIS TOPIC WHISH IS COMMUNICATION.LETS CONSENTRATE INTO OURS CHILDS EDUCATION.

   Comment by hetor — November 23, 2009 @ 1:32 am

8. 

   Honestly! A child needs to know you are there for them, but I very much doubt if one should breach the bed barrier. Honestly, would you want to know how your parents do it/did it? I dont remember ever even considering it. Be there for them. Answer their questions honestly and openly when asked. but Puhlease, keep the privacy too. There is enough information out there.
   In any case, getting a vibe for a teenager is just asking for experimentation when they just might not even think about it - at 13-14 and might go for it nearer 18.

   Comment by Bevibrant — November 24, 2009 @ 2:54 am

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